Ex Scars

Some people would think I am not over my ex. By ex, I meant the Indonesian cutie I was in serious long distance relationship for a year and a half. It’s my award winning relationship and the only relationship that lasted that long and the only relationship I ever made an extra effort to travel to where he is. It was the relationship of my life, where my friend thought this was it and I would die clutching his hand like the old couple in the movie “Notebook”.

It is not hatred and I am totally over him after the break up. In fact, it was me who broke up with him. It was definitely not hatred but the disgust was there. I broke up with him because he was not the guy I have thought he would be. I am sure he did not mean to lie to me or to fake himself into making me fall for him but he turned out to be someone he is not. The thing here is, there is a big difference between getting there, got there and not getting there at all. I do admire anyone for who they are and I do admire anyone for trying their hardest to get somewhere. However, when it comes to faking one self as if they got there, it would disgust me to my core.

The issue was not big but little things did build up until the point that I just had to let go. I fell out of love and the man I once loved was not there anymore. By faking himself as if he got there, I meant to say how effected my ex was by things around him until the point that he would fake to belong. This made him lack his favorite and his taste. He would like or want something just because it’s trendy or because people talk about it. What he likes, what he has in his mind or what he actually is, I will never know.

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So, when I said little things bug me, I will give you an example of the littlest thing he would do that would really tick me off. He would post pictures on his instagram of things around him that looks good. Ok, when I put pictures on instagram or if anyone was to post pics on instagram, it would have to be spontaneous and it would have to be something that comes into the head. Yes, some of us actually plan things and try to make things look good but those come from our spontaneous thoughts in our head. My ex would actually take some good pics but then he would come up with really cheesy captions that sounds like a caption of a marketing campaign. For example, he would post a picture of a sunset and he would start writing things like “some are just passing by but some are actually stopping by and enjoyin this awesome and a bit shy sunset”. Ok, first of all, English is not his strongest language and I can let that pass but the thing that bugs me from this is how it sounds like a caption of a life insurance commercial.

Maybe I’ve totally fell out of love, flat down on my face. I mean him no harm and he does have a good heart but things like that instagram post makes me cringe.

mar15.2Today, on Tinder, I met my match. It was a guy from Bali who just reached here. I’m definitely not racist and I do not have any preference with the ethnicity of men. He looks pretty hot from his picture. After a short intro at each other, I asked him how his day was and to this, he answered “Beautiful day”. I cringed!

It’s not the language. It’s not about where he was from. It’s not about judging that person. But I have to admit. The next person that I fall in love with would have to internally connect with me. Yes, you can say I do have high standards and maybe I am quite picky. And, I am not saying this guy is going to be my next boyfriend or anything but I guess it’s the scar of my ex’s past cringe-worthy habits that things like these make me cringe and they pretty much turn me off.

As someone who gets turned on by intellect, persona and personality, things like this kinda just make me lose interest. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘beautiful day’. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s just that when he said that, it reminds me of this retired 62 year old man sitting on a bench looking into a view from the top of a hill. It’s either that or it reminds me of my ex’s Instagram captions.

I have added the Bali guy from Tinder on my Whatsapp but I have yet to find out what will come out of this.

Dirty February

feb1In comes the month of love. The month where flower shop owners get super excited and chocolate factories start revealing their thematic packaging, paved with pink or red color. It’s the month where boyfriends get busy with what gifts to buy for their girlfriends, and girlfriends start to wish or hope their boyfriends would at least send them flowers. It’s the month where couples start looking out for great places to wine and dine. It’s just that time of year expectations snowball into this huge load of stress for those who are crazily in love.

As for me, being single and pretty much not actively dating anyone at the moment, I ended up just trying to figure out who to have sex with this weekend. Do not get me wrong. I am not always this horny but since I have thought up of a great way to do things I enjoy whilst saving money, I have somewhat dug myself into this hole of lust. Funnily enough, just as I have got myself into this hole, it seems a bit harder to find lust these days. It’s like the price of gold in Myanmar. When you most want to re-sell your gold jewelry for profit, the lesser gold is worth and once you have sold it, the price would go up, only leaving you wishing you could’ve waited a little bit more.

With that in mind, although I have been actively searching for a bow-chik-a-wow-wow time, I try not to rush in. My aim is to look for potential regular buddies. If it’s just for a one time, he would have to be super good. The truth is it’s not that difficult to get laid in our gay world but it’s quite difficult to keep in touch or to plan things out. My gay dating app inboxes are swamped with men of different races, sizes and sexual positions they prefer. And I am not one of those sexy ass guys who get laid easily but it’s just the way it is. You put yourself out there and you get it. However, after all’s been talked out, it takes them so long to book an appointment for a sex drive. Here I am, ready with my engine, but it’s been taking these people forever to come let me ride them.

The month of February started with an offer. Yes, I do have offers from these gentlemen off the dating apps, which, as I have described above, are pretty much more talk than action. However, there was one offer today that was quite promising. But it comes from an ex. It’s not just an ordinary ex but it’s an online ex boyfriend. Here I am, feeling all stupid for having kept an online boyfriend, and there he was, still labeling me as his ex, as we talked today.

So, he was this guy I sort of put myself in a relationship with, when I was in Myanmar. He is in Australia of course, back then as well. We got ourselves into this mess of a relationship that was not there. I do not know what type of a guy he is but upon asking my friend to give him flowers on Valentine’s Day, I remember her describing him as someone nervous with shaking hands, probably from alcoholism. To make things a bit more worrying, he has a history of being kept in rehabs. All of these are happening of course, while we were both in an online Facebook relationship.

We lasted for a few good months, until he went to Indonesia and cheated on me with this Indonesian boy. Who was I kidding? A guy who I have not met and committed myself to via an online commute. Can I even call it cheating? Whenever I talk about him, I would always cringe. He was that boyfriend that never happened. However, when I came back here, we did meet for coffee and by then, he was with a boyfriend, to which he just wedded (yes, legally wedded in New Zealand, I believe) last year. I was invited to their wedding, which I did not go to, since I have no idea who’s who.

OnlineExBoyfriend contacted me today and asked me to meet up with him over the weekend. Thinking it was a normal meet-up, I was not that fuzzed about it. Then he mentioned something about wearing as little as possible. Well, ok. Maybe we might head to the beach? Then, it got weird when he actually wanted me to wear less, only so that he won’t have to strip a lot when we meet. Ok! First of all, isn’t he married?

At first I thought he was joking. A part of me thought he could’ve been sedated with some medication while he might have been back in rehab or something. However, he did sound convincing and I have to admit there were some points in our conversations that turned me on. He said “It would be great to have sex with an ex. That idea is hot” I have to admit, the idea IS hot. If I have to be fair, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend was harmless. I do not know him, as much as his husband. For all I know, I would just be another victim a guy cheated on his partner on. Yes, it sucks but it’s not really my fault to go around checking if they have partners or not.

However, even though it was an online thing, both he and I had been connected before and I have nothing but respect for him. Even if it’s not for him, I do believe his husband deserves some piece of respect from me. When I get married to a man, the last thing I would want is his ex coming back for a piece of his meat. Like I said, it’s not up to me to decide what’s right or wrong, but karma is a bitch and I would not want me to bite me in the ass in the future when I have my partner.

Cheating is not good but it’s been done. But I do believe that most people should avoid having sex with people who are already in a relationship, unless they lie about it or they say they are in an open relationship. If they had lied about it, what can you do? If they are in an open relationship, it’s all ‘go’ zone. But yeah, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend, no matter how hot it sounds, I am not going for it at all.

There goes the beginning of this month, the month we all worship ‘love’ a wee bit more than we would normally in the other eleven months of the year. Stained with this offer from an ex online boyfriend, who’s happily married. Gay life never ceases to amuse me, I guess.