Ex Scars

Some people would think I am not over my ex. By ex, I meant the Indonesian cutie I was in serious long distance relationship for a year and a half. It’s my award winning relationship and the only relationship that lasted that long and the only relationship I ever made an extra effort to travel to where he is. It was the relationship of my life, where my friend thought this was it and I would die clutching his hand like the old couple in the movie “Notebook”.

It is not hatred and I am totally over him after the break up. In fact, it was me who broke up with him. It was definitely not hatred but the disgust was there. I broke up with him because he was not the guy I have thought he would be. I am sure he did not mean to lie to me or to fake himself into making me fall for him but he turned out to be someone he is not. The thing here is, there is a big difference between getting there, got there and not getting there at all. I do admire anyone for who they are and I do admire anyone for trying their hardest to get somewhere. However, when it comes to faking one self as if they got there, it would disgust me to my core.

The issue was not big but little things did build up until the point that I just had to let go. I fell out of love and the man I once loved was not there anymore. By faking himself as if he got there, I meant to say how effected my ex was by things around him until the point that he would fake to belong. This made him lack his favorite and his taste. He would like or want something just because it’s trendy or because people talk about it. What he likes, what he has in his mind or what he actually is, I will never know.


So, when I said little things bug me, I will give you an example of the littlest thing he would do that would really tick me off. He would post pictures on his instagram of things around him that looks good. Ok, when I put pictures on instagram or if anyone was to post pics on instagram, it would have to be spontaneous and it would have to be something that comes into the head. Yes, some of us actually plan things and try to make things look good but those come from our spontaneous thoughts in our head. My ex would actually take some good pics but then he would come up with really cheesy captions that sounds like a caption of a marketing campaign. For example, he would post a picture of a sunset and he would start writing things like “some are just passing by but some are actually stopping by and enjoyin this awesome and a bit shy sunset”. Ok, first of all, English is not his strongest language and I can let that pass but the thing that bugs me from this is how it sounds like a caption of a life insurance commercial.

Maybe I’ve totally fell out of love, flat down on my face. I mean him no harm and he does have a good heart but things like that instagram post makes me cringe.

mar15.2Today, on Tinder, I met my match. It was a guy from Bali who just reached here. I’m definitely not racist and I do not have any preference with the ethnicity of men. He looks pretty hot from his picture. After a short intro at each other, I asked him how his day was and to this, he answered “Beautiful day”. I cringed!

It’s not the language. It’s not about where he was from. It’s not about judging that person. But I have to admit. The next person that I fall in love with would have to internally connect with me. Yes, you can say I do have high standards and maybe I am quite picky. And, I am not saying this guy is going to be my next boyfriend or anything but I guess it’s the scar of my ex’s past cringe-worthy habits that things like these make me cringe and they pretty much turn me off.

As someone who gets turned on by intellect, persona and personality, things like this kinda just make me lose interest. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘beautiful day’. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s just that when he said that, it reminds me of this retired 62 year old man sitting on a bench looking into a view from the top of a hill. It’s either that or it reminds me of my ex’s Instagram captions.

I have added the Bali guy from Tinder on my Whatsapp but I have yet to find out what will come out of this.

Hein in the backseat

The month of February gets a lot more interesting today. After the creepy return of the ex online boyfriend comes the return of two potentials. Maybe these returns are due to the fact that I am, in fact, going to have something happening on Valentine’s Day this year? One can only assume so.

The first return comes from someone I forgot was in my life. He was one of the matches on Tinder and we matched last November I guess. We chatted for some time and we stopped. I guess the chat was just so mediocre that I almost forgot who he was when he messaged me on Tinder today. Normally, I would not really take time blogging about every guy I chat on Tinder but coming back on chat after two months of absence was quite interesting for me.

SimpleName (yes, he has one of the most boring names invented for men. In fact, it’s one of those names you would encounter on first page of introductory dialogues in English teaching books, if English was your second language), out of nowhere, said hi to me today on Tinder. At first, I had no idea who he was until I saw some chat history on top of his message. And to be honest, I cannot even recall that I had talked with him before. I checked his pictures and he is the type I would swipe right on but I seriously do not remember talking to him.

So, out of curiosity, I asked him why he had disappeared for two whole months. Before he could answer, I had some assumptions in my head. He could’ve been talking to a few number of guys simultaneously and he might have met up with one of them. Dating this other dude would stop him from chatting with the other guys like me. It’s quite normal actually. It’s called multi-dating, I guess. Why settle for one potential and waste time when you could get to know more and even make comparisons between them, right?

However, that was not the case. He said that he had been busy with Christmas and all that. It was not what I was expecting to hear but it sounded very honest and quite simple of him to say that. He did not make any excuses and he said it as if it was quite normal for any other guys to go AWOL during this time of the season from Tinder. It does make sense actually and with that, he won my attention.

The other guy, with a surprise return, was MadonnaFan. I actually really thought my sleep over at his place after trying to feel his dick in the dark to guess the size would have been the last time I was seeing him. It has been a week with no contact from him and I have even given up on expecting any messages from him. Out of nowhere, he texted me today. It was a pleasant surprise actually. His comeback made sense as well. Since he works in the PR field, it’s only fair that he’s been busy and the last thing he would want to do when he comes home from work is to check his phone for messages. For some reason, I could not really feel pissed off with him. Maybe it’s just me growing up or maybe I do not like him that much? But then, his comeback message does get a reaction from me.

Well, unfortunately, I will not be able to meet any of these men this weekend, since I will be packing my bags to go to Avalon beach for a getaway trip for my friend’s birthday. As much as I hate to say ‘no’ to these potential men, it sure does feel good to be busy for once when people ask me out since I have always been the driver of meet-ups. All my men gotta do is take a backseat while I make plans and initiate meet ups. This time around, Hein is taking a backseat as he sits patiently and watches who comes up with invites.

The perks of not having to drive the car any longer, one can’t complain for sure. *fingernails emoji*


Two Much

It’s not really surprising to me anymore how good things in life come in more than one simultaneously. Today marks the day I got closure from two men and although both of them have come from different dating apps and have different intentions, there was something very similar when it comes to the vibe I am getting from these two men. Yep, Heiny got lucky today, not just with one man, but with two men.

jan21First was this bootie call I have been looking forward to for some time. Last month before Christmas, I met up with this Irish guy, Leprechaun, for a bootie call. We really hit it off and I stayed at his place for more than three hours with him ‘finishing’ twice. It was one of those very comfortable sex but maybe it was because Leprechaun is not much of a chatter, both he and I kinda lost in touch.

Last week, I messaged him and asked if he would like to meet. I was ready for him to say ‘nah’ but to my surprise, he agreed to meeting up with me again for a bootie call. His place was in the middle of nowhere although it was in the city so I made sure I caught the bus earlier and as predicted, I reached his place earlier than I should. I gave him a hint while I was minutes away from his place. We were supposed to meet at 4pm but I was having lunch around his neighborhood at around 3pm. When I texted him that I was around, he said ‘Great! See you at 4pm’. Ok then. I tried to eat as slow as I could but even with the slow eating, I was 30 minutes early. I was a bit hesitant to message him but after waiting about five minutes in front of his place, I got impatient and messaged him. He was in the showers and I had to wait ten more minutes.

Seeing him felt great because I really like him. Unlike last time, he kissed me right away once I got into his living room. This was followed by good sex. This time around, he ‘finished’ three times in two hours. Even though we were two strangers meeting up for the second time to have sex, we had really good conversations in between the sex while we both rested for a few minutes. To me, it did not feel like a bootie call.

After the first time he ejaculated, he laid his head on my chest as we held hand and lie in his bed. The second time, I laid on his chest while he laid on his bed. It’s weird to be honest because once I got out of his house last time, we hardly chat and I could tell he’s not that much of a chatting app user. So, I never really knew whether he would like to see me again or not. This time around, I did ask him straight. “So, do you still want to see me again?”, to which he said “of course”. I do not know whether it’s a bootie call or not but the chemistry between us during the time I spent on his bed felt like sex between two ex-lovers, two good friends or even a committed couple. I try not to think much of this but I could not help feeling really comfortable and wanting to see him again.

Around 7pm, I got out of Leprechaun‘s house. He had to go to his friend’s dinner meet up and I had to head off to my date. It sure feels a bit weird to go on an actual date after a sex date. However, this guy is the guy I matched with on Tinder and he has actually stated that he is not just in it for NSA and he would like to get to know people and have a proper date. I was not expecting any sexual encounter and maybe just drinks for a get-to-know-each-other.

I was early again as I waited for him at Bank Hotel in Newtown. There were two ladies beside the table I was sitting at, in their late twenties. Normally, I would hear what others are talking about but I was a bit nervous about meeting with this guy. So, I just sat there and waited and he came into the bar. He looks way better in real life and that just made me more nervous. He spotted me and gave me his hands to shake. I responded to that with a small hug. Then, he said he would go get his drink and he went to the bar.

During this time, one of the two ladies have left the table and there was this really pretty lady in a red dress. We caught glances and she said “I hope you did not hear what I just said”. Honestly I did not. Like I said, I was out of focus, nervous and pretty much curious about how my date would turn out. I told her that and she questioned “Is this your first date?” Yes, I told her. “Did you guys meet on dating apps?” Yeah, where else, I told her. Then, I talked to her about how it would not be easy to meet gay guys in public to ask for dates. It would have to be in some gay venues (pubs and clubs), where most of the time these gay men would be drunk, or through dating apps. She seems to understand. She then said “Yeah I could tell this was your first date” I asked her, how so. “The way you guys greeted each other”. And I asked her “Do you think it looks like it’s going well”, to which she replied “Well, it looks good at the present”. I told her “Well, you be the judge as we progress in the night”. Sadly, the lady told me she had to leave right away but she wished me good luck. Good timing! My date, then, got back with his glass of beer.

He was not girly but he does have this fabulous edge, when he talks; it was one of those vibes where people could tell he’s gay from the first thing that comes out of his mouth. He has this really deep voice, which I find sexy, but the whole gay tone made him sound like a drag queen at times. He was not sassy, nor bitchy. He is funny and adorable actually and I kept looking into his graying blue eyes.

Leprechaun is 42 years old and this date of mine is 38. So, both men are of good age. After two beers and a wine bottle later, he offered to follow him home and to stay over. I was surprised. For someone who is not into “No string attached”, he seems to really like me enough to have invited me to his place. We both bought kebab and falafel to his place. We finally kissed. He is a soft kisser and a vulnerable one, where he would not use force into his kisses but it felt somewhat romantic.

After talking for a few minutes, he asked me to stay over at his place and the next thing we knew, we were both naked on his bed. We did not have sex although there was a lot of major heavy spooning involved. The next morning, he told me he really wanted to fuck me but he knew we were both tired. I was not tired actually but having eaten that falafel with chili sauce, I do not really think it would have been a great idea to have sex.

jan21-2Judging by lots of Madonna posters and artworks in his room, I finally found out that he is a big fan of Madonna. Originally from UK, my date was a MadonnaFan. The thing I really love about him was how we both seem to be so comfortable when it comes to interrupting our sleep. There were times he would just cuddle me out of nowhere as I was sleeping and whenever I cuddle him from behind while he would be sleeping, he would respond it with a kiss on my hand or by pulling my hands towards him. I really like that ease.

So yeah, two great men with potentials of becoming more that what we already have but here’s the thing. I am, once again, a bit confused about who I want. Leprechaun was doing so well and it was never meant to be this intimate until today with him and then MadonnaFan came along, with such great romantic gestures.

I’m not sure what would happen but it would be quite interesting to find out!


The Goldfish, The Wolves, The Grays

Sometimes, the easiest question makes it so hard for us to give the correct answer. It would be just as simple as a question even a five year old would be able to answer but at often times, we find ourselves unprepared to answer these questions.

I caught up with a group of friends today, who I have not met for a long time. Two girl-friends, who used to work with me ten years ago, and their husbands, and one mutual friend of ours and her daughter. It was one of those decent warm meet ups where everything was just so at ease.

The mutual friend, the lovely girl from New Caledonia, was going on about her gay friends. Then, she looked at me and said “You look really good. You are gay. Why are you single?” This was a very good time to boost my ego but I am so used to answering this question that it does not really bother me anymore. I answered “I have not found the right one.” Then, she continued. “My gay friend. All these gay men. They are so good looking and nice. But why are they mostly single?”

Unprepared would be the first expression my face naturally showed. This friend of mine is someone I do cherish and someone I would never feel uncomfortable talking about anything to. I was not uncomfortable about the question but I was more uncomfortable with myself because I could not think of an answer.

Out of nowhere, I explained to her how gay men are naturally competitive. They would come into a pub and see each other and most of the time, the first thing they would think of is how some other gay men are dressing better than them or just looking better than them. But I hesitated. That’s not true. Then, I told her most gay men have huge egos. They hate to be rejected and they seldom show others their interests upon other men they are attracted to and they would stretch it until the point that the other would give up trying for them and that’s when they would give in, too late. Then, I hesitated again.

That was not really for all gay men as well. Then, I thought about how there are gay men out there who do not necessarily have to be bitchy, competitive or egoistic. But then, that reminds me of those desperate ones. Those who would rush into a relationship or think the first time the eyes meet would symbolize ‘love’ and gesticulate the best love story ever told in the universe. Those who are impatient to look for others but just stretch and accept anything they can get, despite whatever they truly feel.

Then, I realized that was the problem. I do not speak on behalf of all gay men but from experience, there is hardly a gray area for gay men. We have those egoistic gay men, who are too proud to give in. Some of them love themselves more than they could give other some time to even be interested in. Some of these men would be in a relationship, only to actually appreciate being wanted by another man, or just to enjoy the attention. Once they get sick of it, it’s over.

Then, there are those I have mentioned earlier, who are just so desperate to jump into the commitment wagon, way before they even get to know the other man.


It is quite true in my case since I have experienced from chats and dating apps how gay men would either rush into a relationship or just have this attention span of a goldfish. The goldfish will chat for a few minutes or days but they would never reach over the quota of a month. They would never make any effort to meet up. Maybe they are not sure. Maybe they cannot give time. But my point here is, why swipe right on tinder when they are not sure, or they cannot give time. They want to be impressed from the chat but how are we to impress them when they can’t even last a short while in a convo.

On the other hand, there are those hungry wolves, who are just major eager to date at first meet. Some of these people would get offended if you cancel a meet up. By cancellation, all I have done was to tell them I will let them know when I have time to hang out and not counting the weekdays, since we all work during weekdays, it would just take them two days to get impatient and start blaming the hell out of you for not showing efforts.

When can I meet that gray man of mine? Why can’t I have a consistent flow of good chats with some guy who will give me time to have a day off for a coffee. If they are too busy, why even bother coming on these apps? Fine! Maybe they want to just have a NSA play-around. But why would they take time deciding who to fuck with? I thought they don’t have time? Conflict much? And if they worship love, why not get to know someone to appreciate that person rather than rushing into something that is not even there.

I answered my friend with so much ‘umms’ and ‘errs’ she had to pretend she understood what I was saying. I do not know what she understood by my answer, when even I, myself, could not make head or tail of what I just responded to her.