The Fall of The Chameleon

dec17I was never an extreme tattoo fan but I do cherish having something permanently inked on my body, that would represent something in my life or something about me. One of my friends’ dad, who had 7000 tattoos on his body, used to say “our body is a museum and tattoos are the art we want to have on it that would represent milestones”, to which I admirably agree. So, I have always thought of having a tattoo of a chameleon on my body.

Why?? It all started around my mid-20’s when someone said to me I remind her of a chameleon. I asked her why and she said it’s because you are so good at adapting to situations and changes. You are so good at being normal and adjusting yourself to things around. Well, that was what she said. Not to sound arrogant but she does have a point. If I were an X-men, that would have been my super power.

At the age of 36, as I am now, I am beginning to lose that special power. One thing is to accept that as we grow older, we are unable to control the strength of the abilities we have. Muscles get weaker. Cells function slower. I do accept that. But this special power I used to have, the fall of this, has somewhat affected my emotions. And I would like to share with this blog entry that I am acknowledging it, whilst trying to not let it affect me. So, if by any chance you are in the same battlefield as I am in now, it’s good to know you are there and I hope my blog could somehow be of any good use to you.

Now that I am monogamously settled with a partner, the man I truly love, my life has been pretty much been hanging around him. In true words of Fleetwood Mac’s lyrics, “Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’, Cause I’ve built my life around you”, I have somewhat been his chihuahua. It’s not really because I’m clingy or I’m forcing myself to be like this but it’s more so because I love being around his friends as well. So, it was never a struggle for me to be with him.

However, we both have our limits as we have not really moved into a place together. We both have flatmates we respect. The last thing I would like to piss my flatmate off is by having my partner with me at all times at my place. Both my partner and I love sleeping on the living room couch watching TV. And we both know it’s not that good to always OWN that space and not share it with our flatmates. So, we always adjust how and when we will be meeting and where we will be meeting during the weekends. I guess I’m lucky but my partner’s flatmate usually travels a lot. So, at times, I could do week days at my partner’s place too.

Now, this adjustment comes with changes. Changes of scenes. Changes of environment. Changes of emotions. I do believe they have a word for this but I have this ‘after party’ syndrome, where, when everything shuts down, I get myself into this spiraling turmoil of mixed feelings, and sadly most of them is quite negative. I started feeling lonelier, lost or just numb to things around me. I tried so many ways to distract myself from it but it was never successful. On a brighter note, it would only last a day upmost until I feel ok again.

I was out with my partner and one of our best friends today, when the best friend said “Hey, you have been docile this morning”. I didn’t know what that word meant but then he explained that it’s synonymous to ‘calm’. Yeah, I was just quiet since I was not really ready to leave my weekend with my partner. I have this wedding dinner I have to attend out of obligations. Don’t get me wrong. I love the bridegroom and he’s one of my closest uni friends and I HAVE to be with him and his wife on this very day. However, it would just mean I would have to stop the weekend with my partner.

In my opinion, this thing, or sickness, or weakness (call it what you like), to me, has derived from my childhood. I was always on a change. Things were always changing around me until the point I was not even aware of how to feel. Maybe that was how I got myself to adapt to it. Change of schools. Change of friends. Change of addresses. Change of people. My grandparents would always have guests over my house as well and when they leave, it would affect me. These things have snowballed into this huge thing as I age.

You might think I’m being too clingy to my partner but it is not that. This happens with other things too. For example, I had the best time at work on Friday. We had a blast where I happened to be able to do something to make others smile. I was recognized, high-fived, cheered for and pretty much praised. Funny thing was I did not know how to react. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about attention seeking but knowing this would all end after that day, I was in constant fear of having to see the end of it. So, I forced myself not to get too deep into it. I would not want to drown in the whole euphoria of that moment, that would pass.

Normally, I would spend my entire weekend with my partner but today, as I would have to come back home to prepare for that wedding, I had to leave my best friend and my partner at Bondi, while I came back home wishing I was with them instead and just using what’s left of my time with my partner for this weekend. Knowing I would go nowhere feeling this way, I decided to blog again as it’s quite surprisingly therapeutic to write things down.

I used to dislike having doctors dig up with conditions that are named after several reactions or things we all do in our lives. In this modern age, it feels like every little thing we do is being analyzed. You look at kids in the playground, and some call it ‘early stage of pedophilia’ or some call it ‘loneliness’. I mean, in the end, you might just be tired and just happen to stop turning your views on things at a playground. BUT NO! There’s always an analysis to things.

To make things a bit more complicated, I come from a culture where we are not educated on things. Even the word ‘depression’ sounds like something we just make up. To most people in a developed environment, it’s a study. It’s a condition that can be cured. It’s a thing we all have to look into. To us, it’s just a phase we have to just ignore and keep on living. It’s also a bit unhelpful when Buddhism practiced in Myanmar capitalizes ‘fate’ and ‘reincarnation’, we usually chuck these mishaps on the bad things we had done in the past.

After thinking about it on the train ride today, I think it’s important to be analyzed. We can simply NOT ignore these symptoms of ourselves. We go to doctors or we researched on the internet as we would normally do. I have not found what my condition is but I do believe it exists! It’s not as bad as being bipolar and not as serious as depression. But I thought to myself I have to accept it.

So, I have not found a cure to this and I don’t want to be able to. I’m not a doctor. But I am someone who wants to make sure I’m living things right. And according to the meaning of ‘right’, I mean being happy. Some of my friends, who have undergone depression, were able to cure themselves. But some dangerously are in the umbrella of this impression that repeating ‘positivity’ in their lives forcefully has cured them. I am aware of those who screams ‘I AM SO POSITIVE’ or ‘THE SKY IS BLUE’, whilst struggling so hard to adjust themselves to the way they are supposed to think and the way they are actually reacting towards it. To me, that’s not being cured. That would even force them to become worse.

So, this is what I had done today and if it’s of any help to you, so be it. It’s quite simple. I thought I have failed to adjust to changes around me as this almighty chameleon and I might have. But somehow, I think adjusting comes with acceptance. I mean, in the end, life goes on. I will see my partner again next week. I will have euphoric times like the one on Friday at other events. It’s only fair that there’s some intervals in between. I just have to accept that this is part of the whole package and I just have to go with the flow and change my colors again accordingly.

With that thought, it does feel good to be back to blogging. And once again, I wanna thank everyone who reads my blog and I hope, in one way or another, I could inject at least some good things towards your life.

Heiny’s Day Out

Things did not end there yesterday. As I have mentioned before, Mr747 and I were to meet up for lunch. After my medical check up yesterday, I texted him with no expectations. I mean, it’s one thing to plan something ahead but given we broke all of his rules the night before, I was not sure if he would still want to meet up with me for anything, be it breakfast or lunch.

When I texted him, Mr747 was about to go to a house inspection in Lane Cove. At first, he asked me if I wanted to come but knowing it would take me an hour to get to him and since he had to go for inspection at that time when I texted, we decided to meet up only after that. It was sweet that he insisted on picking me up from my place to go to house inspection together with me. So, the plan was to meet up at Lane Cove. By the time I get there, he would be finished with his house inspection and we could meet for lunch.

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View from Waverton

When I got to the city, which was like a 20 minutes bus ride from Lane Cove, he was done with inspection and he decided to come pick me up at where I was. Then, we both went to this place I had never been called Waverton. We had coffee at that suburb and after a few coffee, we walked around. It was a bit of a last minute hike at some sight that used to be a coal mine. If I had not mentioned it earlier in my blog, Mr747 is one of those people who never stays still and he would be trotting from one place to another. To him, this was pleasure. To me, it was tiring but not as tiring since I was enjoying my time with him.

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the coal mine tunnel

After our little trip around the coal mine sight, we went to another house inspection. We were met up by a real estate agent and Mr747 just took me while he looked around this place, which could potentially be his future home. I am not really imagining or expecting things but we both sure looked like a couple looking for a place together to stay together in. It was either a couple or two housemates but we both looked like as if we were moving in together.

Then, we decided to go home and he took me home. The way home was quite interesting actually since I started to play around with his car stereo and checked out the songs he had. I knew most of the songs he has on his playlist. To me, this is just another semi music quiz since I love almost any types of music but to him, he was happy that I knew most of the songs that he knows.  We started to sing together to his playlist on the way home and we had a Thelma and Louise moment as he drove home.

He actually drove to his place and we decided to go have some beer. We went to this bar near the riverside and had some beer. Then, he went back home for dinner and I went back to mine.

We chatted the whole day today even though we did not meet. Out of nowhere during our chat, he asked me if I wanted to come with him to Trivia with his housemate. Well, I still do not know what’s happening here as much as I do enjoy spending time with him, but I will be meeting up with his housemate on Tuesday. Honestly, I am a bit nervous about it.

It’s a bit confusing because Mr747 and I are just friends but we both have been very couply in the past few days. Having learnt from experience, I just tried not to think much about it and just to enjoy my time with him. Just because I had a great weekend with someone does not necessarily means that we are going through stages. But I cannot help really craving for his company again. And according to what one of my closest friends, Amore, said, “Give him best moments he’ll remember you by when you are with him” and I guess that’s what I am to do.

Convicting Feliny

SaltNPepa has been out of the picture for a while and I did not really get any messages from him during the week. Well, I do respect people for being busy and not being able to prioritize other things in their lives. Since the weekend was here, I finally negotiated with my ego to get myself to message SaltNPepa on Friday. We decided to meet this Sunday, which was today. To be exact, we decided to meet up for lunch near his place.

Of course, being the super thinker as I am, I have prepared myself for a potential dessert with this man, which I would not mind. And by dessert, I do not mean the sweet kind we put in or mouth (unless we define tastes of males genitals as sweet). And I kinda chose the place near him since I do not have the power or motivation to clean my room.

And yes, when the day actually came. SaltNPepa cancelled. How dare he? Well, it seems like he’s one of those people who works during the weekends and fair enough. I do get it to be honest. When you come back from work and especially when you’re too tired, the last thing you want to do is pick outfits to impress others. Or get your ass out of bed to go for lunch with a guy you got the number from at Palms night club two Fridays ago.

I was not angry to be honest. A little bit annoyed although with my newly unbroken injured nose, I was not in any mood to get out of my comfortable bedroom. He said he had to run a few errands at his place today and at first he was aiming to meet later in the evening but he cancelled. Without waiting for his confirmation, I met up with BroJ00 for our usual weekend intoxicating rendezvous at toms rooftop bar.

SaltNPepa asked me if it was possible to meet during the week days. Well, to be honest, my work shifts are from 11am until 7 pm this week and it was just a bit impossible to be able to make that work. Since it would be nearing 9 pm by the time I reach the city after work, it was just a bit not really workable. Regardless, I just asked him to message me when he wants to meet.

I call this the ‘cat’ move. Cats, unlike dogs, have this tendency to be attracted more to people who do not give a shit about them. My sister is a cat lover and she had this cute Persian for three years and the cat actually tries so hard to get the attention of her husband, who normally does not really give a hoot about its existence. Whenever my sister’s hubby feels like petting the cat, the cat would be on his natural high with his eyes closed, leaning its body towards the hubby.

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Just like the Persian, I’m gonna leave the ball in SaltNPepa‘s court. I do not think he deserves to be given any attention until he is ready to actually meet up with me. Until he actually could motivate himself to meet up with me. Yes, being busy is something we all get webbed into in our lives but making time is also something that should be doable regardless. So yeah, watch me meow away purr-fectly away from you, mr!

In the end, if things are meant to be between me and SaltNPepa, be it partnership, relationship, friendship or fuckbuddyship (if that’s a word), one should not have to try this hard. So yeah, the ball’s in his court and this cat needs to focus on other things to spend his nine lives on. Especially after meeting this awesome guy yesterday evening. But ah well, I’ll have to leave the story about this guy for another day.

Desperation Summoned

It was all about convenience when I texted SaltNPepa today but I did not get any message back from him. It’s not like I am dying to get his attention and I am in no rush at all to meet up with him. However, it would be great to be acknowledged but then again, subconsciously, I have become a bit of a intense texter to this person.

It all started on Friday when I got SaltNPepa‘s number while I was at this gay pub called Palms. He never took me home because he said he had work on Saturday. Fair enough! He did mention how he would like to have dinner with me, which was also awesome. However, the trail of messages, when compared, made me look super desperate.

The message trail started on Friday when I got his number.

Sat 2:52 am,

Me : And this is Hein! As in Vein.

Me : You’re a good kisser by the way! 🙂

SaltNPepa : U too!

I should’ve stopped there but no! I just had to be super stupidly cheeky.

Me : Yeah! I youtub’d “best ways to kiss 101” haahaha

And there was no message from him.

Sat 1:40 pm,

Me: Is the last night drink doing you good today? Lol hope you’re having a good day, D!

Sat 6:02 pm,

SaltNPepa : Morning. Was nice to meet u.

Me : Did you just wake up lol

SaltNPepa : I woke up this morning, cleaned my house then went back to bed. Surfaced a couple hours ago. How are you holding up?

Me : Thought you were working today haha. I was doing well the whole day. Woke up at 9 to go lunch with friends but the energy is getting sucked out of me gradually hahaa

SalNPepa : I couldn’t get there. Was too tired. Rest up, and let’s catch up soon.

Me : Hahaha yeah I could imagine. Let’s aim for next weekend? I work late on weekdays until 7 pm and I live all the way in Parramatta.

SaltNPepa : Ok sounds good. I live in camperdown.

Ok, everything was going well but this morning, I was just so in the mood for a hook up. It was one of those mornings I wish I have this phone with a proper easy bootie call. And then, I also remembered that my next weekend’s schedule was swamped with lots of meet ups with my friends. So, I thought to myself how it would be convenient to meet him up today. So I started today.

Sun 9:41 am,

Me : Working today mr?

And that was it. No reply from him. If he was to get sick of me or think I do come across as chatty, I cannot really blame him. I could see how much of a non-chatter he is and I could also see that I do become this retard with so much bubbles in my brain whenever I get excited about someone. As much as he was not a wow factor on my men’s list, I do value the way we met. We met in a pub and we talked and got to know each other in a pub. We traded numbers. For once, I did not have to depend on gay apps to get to know someone I could potentially have fun with. So, for that reason, he has become one of the most interesting men on my list. But alas, it so turned out that this had made me this chatty retard when he is just someone, who would chuck a cameo text every now and then.

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I feel so silly to be honest. Never did I want to try this hard for a man. I have become too comfortable in my own bubble of being on my own but somehow, because of my thirst for some man to man action, I have become to turn out as if I was some teenage chatty gay man who seems to be excited over this guy after trading numbers with him.

The worst thing was… I stumbled across his Facebook profile today because I have his number on my phone and for some reason, SaltNPepa looks so much hotter than I remember he did. Damn it! I really suck at timing!

Picking Antonio

I have mentioned this before. On how I do believe in psychics and fortune tellers but I do not rely on them. I do have one regular tarot card reader and a regular palm reader/spirit medium, who could predict my future and I have to admit, they both do a pretty awesome job. However, sometime ago back in around 2012, one of my best friends in Myanmar contacted me if I wanted to see this fortune teller.

This fortune teller is one of those that is called upon from oversea by one of the big shots in Myanmar. I am not supposed to say out the name of this big shot and thank God I have actually forgotten who it was. Apparently, this fortune teller is so spot on and I just had to go see him. I finally did and I instantly clicked with him. He’s a flamboyant gay in his late 30’s and he was one of those dead pan readers.

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He does not care about what’s right or wrong and he just say it to the face of those who asked him about the future. He read my future. 2012 was the year I have become somewhat cynical about returning to Australia. The fortune teller told me that I would still be going back. How would that even be possible? Given I had not heard from my lawyer who was working on my offshore ‘permanent residency’ application and given there was huge change in the political scene in Sydney, I was a bit hesitant to believe him. Then, he mentioned about how the love of my life is a man I will meet in Australia and he would have a weird European name like “Antonio” or something along that line.

feb5-2Of course, I just kept what he said in my mind and I never really relied on it. However, look at me now! It’s been two years since I got back to Sydney and I am currently holding my PR legally! I never thought I would get back here but here I am.So what are the odds of me meeting the man of my dream, Antonio? Honestly, it’s not that easy to find Antonio’s out there and every time I dated someone whose name is not Antonio, I would always think twice on whether the guy I was dating back then would actually be the man of my life.

I guess I had not found my Antonio since I am still super single. However, whenever an Antonio chat with me, my heart would jump and I would get extremely excited to find out if he was the one. Unfortunately, the only “Antonio” I have talked to within these two years of my stay in Sydney was this guy I chatted from Grindr.

He sounds like a bitter guy who’s having a huge crisis with love. When we first talked, he mentioned that he was here to chat and he does not do sex just like that. Only minutes later, without me asking him, he sent me pictures of his cock. I found that super weird since I had not challenged him anything about hook ups and he defended about how he was on this dating app to have a proper chat and not sex at first meet, only to follow by pictures of his cock. What were those for then? I might not be a super major horny bastard but I do have my standards of being honest with what I want. Wanna fuck? Let’s do it. No drama. Wanna have coffee? Let’s do that! No drama. On the other hand, Antonio just like to dance around the table aimlessly.

So, it has been about two months since we last chat since I gave up talking with someone with so much potential for being bipolar. Antonio came up on Grindr and talked to me today. He talked as if we had never talked before. He talked as if we never had that conversation where he flaunted his sugar coated standards and his penis pictures. I finally told him that we had talked before, to which he did not react much. And I even told him how he had even given me cock pics. I am not so sure if he remembered or not but we conversed about trying to meet up. He asked if he could come around tonight and drive me around. I was honestly tired and I said next time, to which he had said “let’s try Wednesday night”

I do think of this person as someone who is not sane. I do not mean he is retarded but he seems to be just not right. I do not know of his agenda, nor his persona or his plan. I do feel as if I am talking to a different person each time we talk. It has been the second time I talked to him only and I felt like I am talking to this whole new person, making plans and getting hopes up high on meeting up. I am so not into it but somehow, I wanted to test the water. I want to find out if he is ACTUALLY the Antonio of my life.