The Fall of The Chameleon

dec17I was never an extreme tattoo fan but I do cherish having something permanently inked on my body, that would represent something in my life or something about me. One of my friends’ dad, who had 7000 tattoos on his body, used to say “our body is a museum and tattoos are the art we want to have on it that would represent milestones”, to which I admirably agree. So, I have always thought of having a tattoo of a chameleon on my body.

Why?? It all started around my mid-20’s when someone said to me I remind her of a chameleon. I asked her why and she said it’s because you are so good at adapting to situations and changes. You are so good at being normal and adjusting yourself to things around. Well, that was what she said. Not to sound arrogant but she does have a point. If I were an X-men, that would have been my super power.

At the age of 36, as I am now, I am beginning to lose that special power. One thing is to accept that as we grow older, we are unable to control the strength of the abilities we have. Muscles get weaker. Cells function slower. I do accept that. But this special power I used to have, the fall of this, has somewhat affected my emotions. And I would like to share with this blog entry that I am acknowledging it, whilst trying to not let it affect me. So, if by any chance you are in the same battlefield as I am in now, it’s good to know you are there and I hope my blog could somehow be of any good use to you.

Now that I am monogamously settled with a partner, the man I truly love, my life has been pretty much been hanging around him. In true words of Fleetwood Mac’s lyrics, “Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’, Cause I’ve built my life around you”, I have somewhat been his chihuahua. It’s not really because I’m clingy or I’m forcing myself to be like this but it’s more so because I love being around his friends as well. So, it was never a struggle for me to be with him.

However, we both have our limits as we have not really moved into a place together. We both have flatmates we respect. The last thing I would like to piss my flatmate off is by having my partner with me at all times at my place. Both my partner and I love sleeping on the living room couch watching TV. And we both know it’s not that good to always OWN that space and not share it with our flatmates. So, we always adjust how and when we will be meeting and where we will be meeting during the weekends. I guess I’m lucky but my partner’s flatmate usually travels a lot. So, at times, I could do week days at my partner’s place too.

Now, this adjustment comes with changes. Changes of scenes. Changes of environment. Changes of emotions. I do believe they have a word for this but I have this ‘after party’ syndrome, where, when everything shuts down, I get myself into this spiraling turmoil of mixed feelings, and sadly most of them is quite negative. I started feeling lonelier, lost or just numb to things around me. I tried so many ways to distract myself from it but it was never successful. On a brighter note, it would only last a day upmost until I feel ok again.

I was out with my partner and one of our best friends today, when the best friend said “Hey, you have been docile this morning”. I didn’t know what that word meant but then he explained that it’s synonymous to ‘calm’. Yeah, I was just quiet since I was not really ready to leave my weekend with my partner. I have this wedding dinner I have to attend out of obligations. Don’t get me wrong. I love the bridegroom and he’s one of my closest uni friends and I HAVE to be with him and his wife on this very day. However, it would just mean I would have to stop the weekend with my partner.

In my opinion, this thing, or sickness, or weakness (call it what you like), to me, has derived from my childhood. I was always on a change. Things were always changing around me until the point I was not even aware of how to feel. Maybe that was how I got myself to adapt to it. Change of schools. Change of friends. Change of addresses. Change of people. My grandparents would always have guests over my house as well and when they leave, it would affect me. These things have snowballed into this huge thing as I age.

You might think I’m being too clingy to my partner but it is not that. This happens with other things too. For example, I had the best time at work on Friday. We had a blast where I happened to be able to do something to make others smile. I was recognized, high-fived, cheered for and pretty much praised. Funny thing was I did not know how to react. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about attention seeking but knowing this would all end after that day, I was in constant fear of having to see the end of it. So, I forced myself not to get too deep into it. I would not want to drown in the whole euphoria of that moment, that would pass.

Normally, I would spend my entire weekend with my partner but today, as I would have to come back home to prepare for that wedding, I had to leave my best friend and my partner at Bondi, while I came back home wishing I was with them instead and just using what’s left of my time with my partner for this weekend. Knowing I would go nowhere feeling this way, I decided to blog again as it’s quite surprisingly therapeutic to write things down.

I used to dislike having doctors dig up with conditions that are named after several reactions or things we all do in our lives. In this modern age, it feels like every little thing we do is being analyzed. You look at kids in the playground, and some call it ‘early stage of pedophilia’ or some call it ‘loneliness’. I mean, in the end, you might just be tired and just happen to stop turning your views on things at a playground. BUT NO! There’s always an analysis to things.

To make things a bit more complicated, I come from a culture where we are not educated on things. Even the word ‘depression’ sounds like something we just make up. To most people in a developed environment, it’s a study. It’s a condition that can be cured. It’s a thing we all have to look into. To us, it’s just a phase we have to just ignore and keep on living. It’s also a bit unhelpful when Buddhism practiced in Myanmar capitalizes ‘fate’ and ‘reincarnation’, we usually chuck these mishaps on the bad things we had done in the past.

After thinking about it on the train ride today, I think it’s important to be analyzed. We can simply NOT ignore these symptoms of ourselves. We go to doctors or we researched on the internet as we would normally do. I have not found what my condition is but I do believe it exists! It’s not as bad as being bipolar and not as serious as depression. But I thought to myself I have to accept it.

So, I have not found a cure to this and I don’t want to be able to. I’m not a doctor. But I am someone who wants to make sure I’m living things right. And according to the meaning of ‘right’, I mean being happy. Some of my friends, who have undergone depression, were able to cure themselves. But some dangerously are in the umbrella of this impression that repeating ‘positivity’ in their lives forcefully has cured them. I am aware of those who screams ‘I AM SO POSITIVE’ or ‘THE SKY IS BLUE’, whilst struggling so hard to adjust themselves to the way they are supposed to think and the way they are actually reacting towards it. To me, that’s not being cured. That would even force them to become worse.

So, this is what I had done today and if it’s of any help to you, so be it. It’s quite simple. I thought I have failed to adjust to changes around me as this almighty chameleon and I might have. But somehow, I think adjusting comes with acceptance. I mean, in the end, life goes on. I will see my partner again next week. I will have euphoric times like the one on Friday at other events. It’s only fair that there’s some intervals in between. I just have to accept that this is part of the whole package and I just have to go with the flow and change my colors again accordingly.

With that thought, it does feel good to be back to blogging. And once again, I wanna thank everyone who reads my blog and I hope, in one way or another, I could inject at least some good things towards your life.

Friend On The Fence

apr3It’s one thing to be at the other end of the fence and it takes me a while to realize how things can be different if you are making things up in your head. I read somewhere once that at times we do not really know what is really there since all of us have different perspectives towards the same thing. In the end, it does not really matter what is right or wrong, when things can be seen in so many different perspectives from different point of views.

There is this one guy at work. He’s actually really cute and I would not hesitate to have a go at him if only he plays in the same team as me, and of course if he is interested in me. I do not really think he plays on the same team as me but he seems super friendly and we always catch each other’s glances. Maybe it’s the way I stare but it’s not really such a surprise that I have had straight guys stare at me. I’m sure it’s not because I look awesome or if I have something stuck in my teeth. I think it’s probably because of the way I would subconsciously stare at them.

So, while taking my break in the kitchen at work, this dude at work just happened to come in. And he started talking. We introduced each other. This is something very wrong, yet right, about people in Australia. They are just so nice to each other you can hardly tell who’s straight or gay. Back in my country, it takes a lot of men to warm up to each other and it’s often gay men that would warm up faster. Even then, there would be some other gay men who would take forever to mingle.

Him being all friendly to me somewhat made me think that there is a small chance that he might be gay. We talked for a while and of course, loving attention, I found it quite fun and nice to be able to converse with him. This could be my new friend at work. New friend I might have a chance to sleep with since he was a cutie. And there, it caught me with a thought.

I am not so sure if this guy is gay but let’s just say he is, hypothetically. If he was gay, let’s just say he was actually flirting with me. Would I stop him? No. Would I continue the flirt and even throw some cheeky liners his way? Yes. Would I sleep with him? Yes. Do I like him enough to actually chase him for something more than friends? Not at all!

Then, it hit me there what if Mr747 could have been this way with me. We slept? Yes. We had sex? Yes. We enjoyed each other’s company? yes. We flirt? Yes. But, regardless, this does not always necessarily mean that he is into me for something more than a friend, doesn’t it? It’s not like I am hoping Mr747 will be into me but I cannot hide the fact that I really like him and I would like to get to know him more than just being his friend. In fact, it would be good if we could own each other one day.

So, reality bites! As much as I can daydream about how each and everything that happens between me and Mr747 sparks some potentials between us, it’s not so certain unless I can get myself into his head to figure out how he is looking at things around him. Don’t get me wrong. For all I know, the dude at work might not even be gay and even if he was, I will never be sure if he is into me. And for all I know, I do not even know if I might end up liking Mr747 as someone more than just friends. So, there is no assumption here but it’s funny how our perspectives, when unmatched, can be amazingly suitable for both point of views, yet so different!

Full Time Me

mar20It was just before I took the Friday off on the first week of this month that I realized that I was not a full time employee at my job. That’s just me actually. I would hear other people’s conversations that are not important. I would remember small things that don’t really matter. I would know details that does not really amount to anything but important details such as this I do not know of.

Last year around Christmas, my team leader at work was going on and on about how it’s important for all of us to give our annual leaves dates earlier. To this, I just ignored and thought of just accumulating for next year since my mom won’t be in Myanmar this year. Little do I know that I am not accustomed to paid annual leave. In fact, I could take as many day offs as I want but I will not be paid for it.

Adele’s concert was on during the first Friday of this month and I took that day off. I remember my boss telling me that even though I am not entitled to be paid for taking that day off, they will still pay me since I had been staying back more hours. I really appreciate what my boss did but that was then that I got super confused about how I was actually not a full time employee at my job as yet. Then, I thought to myself how this could be just my probational phase and that I would still have to prove that I’m worth keeping during this phase.

My team leader asked me for a small meeting last Friday and that was then that I found out that I was actually still on temporary but now they would like to shift me to become a full timer. As for the probation, it would start only as of now. This has been one of the best news that I have heard in a very long time. This means I will just have to keep doing the best I can without having to fear that I do not belong at a place. This means I am going to be just like the other people. This all came to a good beginning as my boss placed a “full time employee” contract on my cubicle desk as I was talking with a customer today.

Loving Right

When this thing called ‘love’ was created, whoever created it is pretty smart. Love is the worst thing that fucks us up, especially when it comes to bringing out the opposite of what everything is. It weakens a strong man. It can turn everything from white to black and from black to white. It makes nighttime appropriately the best time to wish for daylight and it makes daytime too bright to yearn for the stars to come out at night.

One of my close friends has found someone on Tinder and what started from a hook up has turned into an endless series of flirtatious chats. The only thing that was a bit unbalanced here was how my friend was the one who was writing essays, when the other dude was just writing in sentences that do not have more than seven words in each of them. My friend is pretty well known and well loved for his easy going free spirit and he’s not the one that has a bad self esteem like I would. However, alas, after meeting this hook up guy who has turned his person upside down, it’s easy to see how affected he has been by this thing called love.

My once strong friend was chatting with me and my other friend in a group chat on Facebook messenger, asking us what he should write next. Then, he would tell us how he would feel like he wanted to type more. At times, he would go in circles trying to fight this temptation to do more for this guy. I could see that inner battle as he sways from one decision to another on what to do next with this guy he is subconsciously interested in. I am not saying ‘love’ as yet but this is where ‘love’ starts anyways, right?

Funnily enough, watching my friend chase after his own tail, going in circles, I could so easily see how he was more interested in the other guy than that other guy was interested in him. But then again, if I were in his shoes, I would have been the same. It’s funny how we see things clearer as the third person, as opposed to looking at things from the first person’s point of view. As much as I can give him good advice and see things so clear about what is happening with him and the other guy, if I were him, I would’ve been so blinded by the light of these emotions that can lead to love in the later stages.

Love is not a bad thing. It is a great thing but it is only good with the right person. Loving the wrong person can hurt so much and just cause so much disastrous outcomes. As I have mentioned earlier, love does tip things over and bring out the most opposite things to one’s contents.

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But this is also what makes love so worth it and this is the reason why we all need to find the ‘right’ person. Because that feeling to enjoy this joyride with the right person is the most treasured valuable thing in our lives. What can turn a day into night and black to white, it is surely much more enjoyable with someone beside you who can shine brighter with you in the darkest of nights or block the intrusive rays to be able to see how bright the stars are at night.

The game of love is not about the thing called love itself. The game of love lies within finding that someone. The right someone. That ‘one’ catch in our lives that we all starve of love for. And with this, I still stick to what I believe. I rather be single than to be with a person who is never right for me. It’s either I find that person or I’m better off on my own.

PhuturePhobic

It’s almost like that movie where Will Ferrell’s character’s life started to depend on the character of a book some author was writing about. I forgot the name of that movie but knowing his character was going to die, he tried to chase up the author to make sure she does not let him die. In the same way, I guess I am blogging my life away, not knowing this has come to this.

I named my blog ‘millennial’s crisis’ to have a poke fun at looking as one of the early millennials living a life in his mid-thirty, whilst starting a new life. It’s not like I am good at regulary posting but it seems like my life has become somewhat that of a millennial’s crisis. I have reached this part in my life where I can’t even be bothered catching up on the blogs I have not yet covered.

Normally, I would keep an excel spreadsheet with lists of things to write about when I could find some time. However, I would have to backdate it and kinda put myself back in that place at that time, which won’t really do as much justice as it would as compared to word puking from my fingers as I am doing now. So yeah, as much as I would like to catch up with what was left of my February, I feel too stressed to even think of completing it, or thinking back on those days.

Things have been pretty much dull for me lately. It’s sloped downhill at a very moderately calm slope, inclined at a very small acute angle. It’s all about friends in Sydney. I am blessed to have good friends here but everyone’s in a rush here in Sydney. I was talking with my friend about this and what he said was correct. People in Sydney would try to solve puzzles and put things into place before letting themselves go. Yes, it’s always to think first before you do things but when it comes to spontaneously hanging out with friends, what’s good about trying to make sure we have to ‘pencil’ in a time gap in one of our schedule planner book. JUST to meet up with a friend.

Back in Myanmar, I would call my friends up and ask what they would be doing. Some of them would ask me to join right away. Here, they would be busy, which is fair, but then they would only mark that time for that certain thing they are doing with their certain friends. I would hate to think it’s the right thing to feel as I am feeling now and maybe this is something I would have to learn and to stop taking every friends’ availability for granted. But yeah, it is just so much easier to feel lonely here in Sydney. And I ain’t even talking about dating life. Yet!

The other thing I have found out is how people kept talking about driving to work and trying to buy house. I could hardly save enough money to get myself a new iphone. Yes I do have a job but I ended up using most of what I got paid and I could not get myself to save enough to even get me a new iphone, let alone a shelter. I am fortunate that one of my close friends have allowed me to live under his roof at a very generous rent fees. But then again, this is his house and I am sure he would want to live a proper ‘self house’ life one day. Knowing this, it also stresses me on how I would be living in a few years’ time.

Then, there is the citizenship. So, after five years, I would not be able to go back to my country easily, unless I have a citizenship and belong here. Well, I would still have to apply for a visa to go to my mother land, which seems a bit shameful but I am willing to give up my citizenship to Australia. I do miss my family and it scares me that I will not be able to live with them as much as I used to live with them before. They are ageing and so am I.

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I am not so sure if I am living life right. I am going to be 36 this year and I do not feel like an adult yet. They say, we can always start life anew but I am in need of a motive and I need to be inspired to be able to want to live life right in my mid-thirties. It’s one thing to feel fortunate that I am thinking these things proactively but it is also another ongoing hard struggle to battle my fears away. Especially when time does not really help.

So, yes, I am actually having a crisis after all… when it comes to living right.

Sedatephobic

It’s crazy how this is true but I got to learn something about myself from two dates on Saturday. Yes, it was all about having fun and all that but there was a great old conversation between me and the two men I was with on Saturday. For some reason, both of us talked about the same thing without having to even start the topic. It was the topic about me and silence.

During short breaks in between our ‘sessions’, there would be time where both of us would be a bit too tired to say anything. Then, it would always be me breaking the silence. I did not notice it first but after two times, Leprechaun finally mentioned “You can’t stand silence, can you? I notice you are afraid of silence”

What he said really blew my mind because I never thought of it before and yes, the more I thought about it, the more true it becomes. I do, in fact, cannot stand silence! I had a think about it in my head while he was saying it and finally I could tell why. Back in the days when I was a kid, our house would always be full of guests. Having guests over, according to my grandparents, it’s the responsibility of the host to ensure the guests are kept well and the guests enjoy. So, we were pretty much taking care of the guests 24/7. Having guests also means we had a lot of different types of people coming into our house. So, when we have those shy ones who dare not speak up to ask for small things like water, my grandparents would always have to the first to reach out to ask if they needed anything.

I guess that’s where I got this sub-conscious obligation to make sure people around me are not left unattended and at times, my brain just happens to sub consciously treats silence as a gesture of not being taken care of.

MadonnaFan and I also encountered the same incident. He and I would stop talking for a while and I would feel like it was an awkward silence and I would need to always fill that void; again, it was always sub conscious of course. He noticed that as well and he said the same thing. “You don’t like silence, do you?”

jan23It’s kinda sad how people can read into you this deep at first meet. Not to mention, even the bootie call victim can guess your personality after the second time round. This silence phobic in me continues today. It’s been a while since I have dated someone or thought of investing more time and effort in getting to know someone, as opposed to just having sex with them. So, having woken up this morning, I felt this urge to message MadonnaFan.

In all honesty, I had nothing to say and I do not really want to message him with small nothings. However, the minor sedatephobia got the best of me and I had to break the silence in messaging him with “Did you end up watching any movie last night? Have fun at work.”, to which he just answered “You too Hein”

I do not want to read it from a bad point of view but I got a lot of ‘leave me alone’ vibe from that message. Or a ‘I have nothing to say to you’ vibe from that reply of his. I am not angry with him since honestly, I do not really have any strong feelings towards him but it’s quite annoying when someone’s effort doesn’t really pay off. Here I am, being understanding, texting him a message, while he just gave a generic reply, without even answering my question.

Sigh! The sedatephobia in me does get a hold of me and pretty soon it might even turn me into this desperate monster. Honestly, I feel nothing for him but my mind just can’t help this lack of communication between us. I felt as if the guest who is staying at my house has not been looked after well.