PhuturePhobic

It’s almost like that movie where Will Ferrell’s character’s life started to depend on the character of a book some author was writing about. I forgot the name of that movie but knowing his character was going to die, he tried to chase up the author to make sure she does not let him die. In the same way, I guess I am blogging my life away, not knowing this has come to this.

I named my blog ‘millennial’s crisis’ to have a poke fun at looking as one of the early millennials living a life in his mid-thirty, whilst starting a new life. It’s not like I am good at regulary posting but it seems like my life has become somewhat that of a millennial’s crisis. I have reached this part in my life where I can’t even be bothered catching up on the blogs I have not yet covered.

Normally, I would keep an excel spreadsheet with lists of things to write about when I could find some time. However, I would have to backdate it and kinda put myself back in that place at that time, which won’t really do as much justice as it would as compared to word puking from my fingers as I am doing now. So yeah, as much as I would like to catch up with what was left of my February, I feel too stressed to even think of completing it, or thinking back on those days.

Things have been pretty much dull for me lately. It’s sloped downhill at a very moderately calm slope, inclined at a very small acute angle. It’s all about friends in Sydney. I am blessed to have good friends here but everyone’s in a rush here in Sydney. I was talking with my friend about this and what he said was correct. People in Sydney would try to solve puzzles and put things into place before letting themselves go. Yes, it’s always to think first before you do things but when it comes to spontaneously hanging out with friends, what’s good about trying to make sure we have to ‘pencil’ in a time gap in one of our schedule planner book. JUST to meet up with a friend.

Back in Myanmar, I would call my friends up and ask what they would be doing. Some of them would ask me to join right away. Here, they would be busy, which is fair, but then they would only mark that time for that certain thing they are doing with their certain friends. I would hate to think it’s the right thing to feel as I am feeling now and maybe this is something I would have to learn and to stop taking every friends’ availability for granted. But yeah, it is just so much easier to feel lonely here in Sydney. And I ain’t even talking about dating life. Yet!

The other thing I have found out is how people kept talking about driving to work and trying to buy house. I could hardly save enough money to get myself a new iphone. Yes I do have a job but I ended up using most of what I got paid and I could not get myself to save enough to even get me a new iphone, let alone a shelter. I am fortunate that one of my close friends have allowed me to live under his roof at a very generous rent fees. But then again, this is his house and I am sure he would want to live a proper ‘self house’ life one day. Knowing this, it also stresses me on how I would be living in a few years’ time.

Then, there is the citizenship. So, after five years, I would not be able to go back to my country easily, unless I have a citizenship and belong here. Well, I would still have to apply for a visa to go to my mother land, which seems a bit shameful but I am willing to give up my citizenship to Australia. I do miss my family and it scares me that I will not be able to live with them as much as I used to live with them before. They are ageing and so am I.

mar13

I am not so sure if I am living life right. I am going to be 36 this year and I do not feel like an adult yet. They say, we can always start life anew but I am in need of a motive and I need to be inspired to be able to want to live life right in my mid-thirties. It’s one thing to feel fortunate that I am thinking these things proactively but it is also another ongoing hard struggle to battle my fears away. Especially when time does not really help.

So, yes, I am actually having a crisis after all… when it comes to living right.

Sedatephobic

It’s crazy how this is true but I got to learn something about myself from two dates on Saturday. Yes, it was all about having fun and all that but there was a great old conversation between me and the two men I was with on Saturday. For some reason, both of us talked about the same thing without having to even start the topic. It was the topic about me and silence.

During short breaks in between our ‘sessions’, there would be time where both of us would be a bit too tired to say anything. Then, it would always be me breaking the silence. I did not notice it first but after two times, Leprechaun finally mentioned “You can’t stand silence, can you? I notice you are afraid of silence”

What he said really blew my mind because I never thought of it before and yes, the more I thought about it, the more true it becomes. I do, in fact, cannot stand silence! I had a think about it in my head while he was saying it and finally I could tell why. Back in the days when I was a kid, our house would always be full of guests. Having guests over, according to my grandparents, it’s the responsibility of the host to ensure the guests are kept well and the guests enjoy. So, we were pretty much taking care of the guests 24/7. Having guests also means we had a lot of different types of people coming into our house. So, when we have those shy ones who dare not speak up to ask for small things like water, my grandparents would always have to the first to reach out to ask if they needed anything.

I guess that’s where I got this sub-conscious obligation to make sure people around me are not left unattended and at times, my brain just happens to sub consciously treats silence as a gesture of not being taken care of.

MadonnaFan and I also encountered the same incident. He and I would stop talking for a while and I would feel like it was an awkward silence and I would need to always fill that void; again, it was always sub conscious of course. He noticed that as well and he said the same thing. “You don’t like silence, do you?”

jan23It’s kinda sad how people can read into you this deep at first meet. Not to mention, even the bootie call victim can guess your personality after the second time round. This silence phobic in me continues today. It’s been a while since I have dated someone or thought of investing more time and effort in getting to know someone, as opposed to just having sex with them. So, having woken up this morning, I felt this urge to message MadonnaFan.

In all honesty, I had nothing to say and I do not really want to message him with small nothings. However, the minor sedatephobia got the best of me and I had to break the silence in messaging him with “Did you end up watching any movie last night? Have fun at work.”, to which he just answered “You too Hein”

I do not want to read it from a bad point of view but I got a lot of ‘leave me alone’ vibe from that message. Or a ‘I have nothing to say to you’ vibe from that reply of his. I am not angry with him since honestly, I do not really have any strong feelings towards him but it’s quite annoying when someone’s effort doesn’t really pay off. Here I am, being understanding, texting him a message, while he just gave a generic reply, without even answering my question.

Sigh! The sedatephobia in me does get a hold of me and pretty soon it might even turn me into this desperate monster. Honestly, I feel nothing for him but my mind just can’t help this lack of communication between us. I felt as if the guest who is staying at my house has not been looked after well.