Molly & Me

I know this might not come across as something I should be sharing with everyone of you readers as if it’s a good thing but it’s just something to put into record. I’m not that much of a risker but that has not stopped me from having that ‘I would try everything once’ attitude. Apart from stupid things like phone game apps or toy collection, I am not that much of an addictive person.

Having my trusted friend with me on a Friday night tonight, I decided to pop some pills with him. I have never done any pills before in my life. Well, I’ve done the one where my friend melt over a spoon to smoke it with a bong which does not allow me to sleep; like I’ve said, it didn’t get me addicted either. Did it once and that was it. So, getting back to today, I just wanna find out what it’s like to feel like these other pill poppers in clubs. It seems like there is this trend for this new culture of people who likes to enjoy bopping their heads in EDM festivals with some chemicals inside of them.

Without checking what it was, I just trusted my friend while he and I both popped a pill each before we entered the gay club, Arq. Another thing about me and drugs/pills is how it does not really affect me much, apart from LSD, although I have to admit I was still myself even on that. So, when I did weed with my buddies in Myanmar, they would be laughing their asses off. I would be laughing at some point but the most non-common thing that I had ever done on weed was converse non-step about how science is proportional to religion and stuffs like that.

It was a great night actually but the effect was not that noticeable. I did notice I was dancing so much. Kept dancing and dancing. I was friendlier to people. I had more confidence in approaching people but this was not really unlike me since I am a social person. But it was more like I did not give a fuck about what others think. I was dancing with others and for some reason, the other people seems so friendly and the music was just so good. I had no idea what they were playing but it felt good and I was just so on top there. I kept drinking and drinking with my friend and it felt like one of those ‘hot shot’ nights where everything just seemed so right.

But to be honest, I was aware of everything. It was not like I was drunk. I enjoyed every minute of it. I remembered most of it although I was pretty curious if there were any time that I was not myself and I had slipped to somewhere else without knowing. My friend told me I seemed just happy and fine. It was a good night and that’s all I remembered. If I had to pinpoint the bad thing about this was the fact that I chewed my inner cheeks a lot. I asked my friend what the game was and it was Molly!

Like I’ve said, I’m positively sure I will not get addicted and I would not stop anyone from doing it if only they would promise that this will not be a habit. It’s a risk to be honest. So, take it only if you can win over your mind like me. For me, it’s a tick off my bucket list and it’s nothing more. I might do it again but not on a regular basis or not enough to waste my life away.

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Different Ball Game

It was a different ball game today with Mr747. As usual, we decided to meet for dinner after work and as usual, I was looking forward to this. It seems like we both cannot get enough of each other and it was just so nice to have someone so compatible. We went and had dinner at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant.

As usual, we decided to walk around a bit after our dinner. We walked through this University of Western Sydney and checked out some stuffs they put up on the wall. It was some woodwork decor which he was going on and on about it, to which I thought was adorable. Then, we both decided to sit down at the staircase of some office building, which was parallel to the train tracks. In front of us, we could see the trains whooshing past. Then, something happened. We held each other’s hands.

“I feel so comfortable with you. I like this feeling of being able to hold your hand” What can I say to this? I like it too. We both had one of those quiet moments as we held each others’ hands and watched the train passed by us at full speed. Then, he decided to walk me home. When we said goodbye, I could see that he was being a bit hesitant to leave. To this, I said “Here we go. I know you want to.” And I opened up my hands in a welcoming position for a hug, to which he hugged me tight. Then, we kissed a bit. And, as usual, he said “I should not do this”. I moved away. Then, at the point where it was both our cue to say goodbye and walk away, he was just standing there again. To this, I joked “I can read your mind that you still want to give me another hug”. I was not sure but he gave in and gave me another tight hugs.

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As he ran off into the darkness to his way home, I went back up feeling all happy about this completely turn of roles between us. I was not so sure to secure my feelings towards him but it does feel like we were progressing to becoming more than friends. So, I decided to give him this text.

Me: By the way, reality check. You can’t be scared of hurting others, mr. Cos it’s both ways. You can’t always blame yourself for that. To me, the real deal is not the result. It’s the journey. I’ll never force you but take my hand while it’s there.

Him: I know. But I value you too much already. So many have walked away. I want to be friends and then maybe develop that to more.

Me: You think I don’t value you? It aches that I can’t do what I please with you cos I’m worried I might go against your rule book. Though it’s cute it’s you who’s been breaking it.

Him : I know. And I always do that. I know you value me. But I overthink.

Me : So do I.

Him : Not on purpose.

Me : Same here. I have little tiny voices saying stuffs.

Him : Just me.

Me : I respect that.

Him : Being kind of guarded is me.

Me : I understand. Being scared to make a mistake to lose you forever is me. That’s me overthinking.

Him : We’re so the smae.

Like I said, it’s a completely different ball game!

Friend On The Fence

apr3It’s one thing to be at the other end of the fence and it takes me a while to realize how things can be different if you are making things up in your head. I read somewhere once that at times we do not really know what is really there since all of us have different perspectives towards the same thing. In the end, it does not really matter what is right or wrong, when things can be seen in so many different perspectives from different point of views.

There is this one guy at work. He’s actually really cute and I would not hesitate to have a go at him if only he plays in the same team as me, and of course if he is interested in me. I do not really think he plays on the same team as me but he seems super friendly and we always catch each other’s glances. Maybe it’s the way I stare but it’s not really such a surprise that I have had straight guys stare at me. I’m sure it’s not because I look awesome or if I have something stuck in my teeth. I think it’s probably because of the way I would subconsciously stare at them.

So, while taking my break in the kitchen at work, this dude at work just happened to come in. And he started talking. We introduced each other. This is something very wrong, yet right, about people in Australia. They are just so nice to each other you can hardly tell who’s straight or gay. Back in my country, it takes a lot of men to warm up to each other and it’s often gay men that would warm up faster. Even then, there would be some other gay men who would take forever to mingle.

Him being all friendly to me somewhat made me think that there is a small chance that he might be gay. We talked for a while and of course, loving attention, I found it quite fun and nice to be able to converse with him. This could be my new friend at work. New friend I might have a chance to sleep with since he was a cutie. And there, it caught me with a thought.

I am not so sure if this guy is gay but let’s just say he is, hypothetically. If he was gay, let’s just say he was actually flirting with me. Would I stop him? No. Would I continue the flirt and even throw some cheeky liners his way? Yes. Would I sleep with him? Yes. Do I like him enough to actually chase him for something more than friends? Not at all!

Then, it hit me there what if Mr747 could have been this way with me. We slept? Yes. We had sex? Yes. We enjoyed each other’s company? yes. We flirt? Yes. But, regardless, this does not always necessarily mean that he is into me for something more than a friend, doesn’t it? It’s not like I am hoping Mr747 will be into me but I cannot hide the fact that I really like him and I would like to get to know him more than just being his friend. In fact, it would be good if we could own each other one day.

So, reality bites! As much as I can daydream about how each and everything that happens between me and Mr747 sparks some potentials between us, it’s not so certain unless I can get myself into his head to figure out how he is looking at things around him. Don’t get me wrong. For all I know, the dude at work might not even be gay and even if he was, I will never be sure if he is into me. And for all I know, I do not even know if I might end up liking Mr747 as someone more than just friends. So, there is no assumption here but it’s funny how our perspectives, when unmatched, can be amazingly suitable for both point of views, yet so different!

747 Touch Down

When push comes to shove, it escalates to an extreme with Mr747. So, finally we met up again last night. Instead of going out for drinks, we decided to go over to his place for wine. We drank wine at the balcony and as per usual, we talked about anything, while one topic clicks from one random to another. He opened a bottle of wine while he puts his favorite song “Go West” by Pet Shop Boys in the background. On the other hand, he started to show me his side-hobby, where he is trying to work on setting up room lighting with censor switches controllable from his handphone.

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It was when we started watching TV on his huge couch that we started to get cozy. The next thing we know, I was in his arms beside him, cuddling and snuggling up while we watched funny Youtube videos. While we were snuggled up, he said “I feel so comfortable with you. I don’t know why”. There were times where our face would get closer. Close enough to kiss but he would stop himself and say “I won’t do it”. I assured him it’s ok and there is no need to feel uncomfortable about it.

Mr747 also started mentioning about how he would think a lot before he ruins the moments with others because they would just leave the next day and they would not return. I told him I was going nowhere. I don’t know. It was pure comfort with no expectations. I was just feeling so comfortable with him and I am just enjoying every second of this night with him.

After a Monty Python and a few youtube clips, he asked if I wanted to sleep over. I didn’t mind. Then, afterwards, he mentioned something about having breakfast together the next morning. Knowing I had to go to medical check up this morning, I told him I would settle for lunch. We retired to his bed and I noticed that he started to fart. Ok, we were not on a date and this was the first time we were together in his bed. It was not gross and it was not stinky actually but we both laughed at him farting and he said “I don’t know why I did that but I feel so comfortable with you”

Back in his room, at first he was in his boxers. I was in my T shirt and boxer brief. Then, he asked me if I sleep in my T shirt. I said ‘not really’. I stripped. Then we started to cuddle a bit. By this time, we were almost spooning each other. Then, he asked me if I sleep in boxers. Not sure why but when I said ‘sometimes’, he reached for one of his boxers and both of us cuddled next in our boxers. It was about five minutes later that he decided to sleep naked with me. The next thing we knew, we were spooning each other nude.

Just like he was in the living room, he started to warm up to me but whenever his face got near my face, he would say “No. I am not going to do it”. I didn’t force him and I went with his flow but before we knew it, it escalated to a full make out. While we made out, he said “Do not expect anything, ok? We will not have sex”. Sure, I assured him. After pashing for some time, both of us fell asleep with his arm around me and me asleep in his arms.

It was 4 am when we both woke up out of nowhere. We were in our morning breath. For some reason, we started making out again and before I knew what was going on, both of us hit third base and then out of nowhere, the next thing I knew was him grabbing for his box of condoms. We hit homerun. I was pretty sure he had mentioned about him bottoming for other guys before and out of nowhere, he had become the top in this situation. Kinda works for a complete bottom like me. I can’t complain. I will not go into details but all I can say is even though he is not a good kisser, sex was good and I had fun. Maybe it was the intimacy we both built as well.

It was 6 am when we finished. I decided to go home since I had to get ready for my medical check up anyways. As I was dressing up, he asked me if I wanted him to drive me back home. It was a nice gesture. I mean, it was 6 am and who would, in his right mind, be awake enough to send someone he just had sex with home. Full of intrigue and with a head full of questions, I kissed him goodbye as I got off at my place.

I do not know what it is and I do not like to think what it is but I liked it and I don’t want to ruin it!

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Somewhat Human

mar28It’s really hard to find someone like Mr747 actually. So, yes, we have met. We have spoken on chat before. We have left impressions that we enjoyed each other’s company. I do understand there’s nothing there to expect between us and I do not even know if there is going to be sex between us, since that was the first intention of chatting up with him in the first stage. However, I am quite surprised to see a bit of a continuity.

Bored during break time at work, I just texted him for no reason and Alas, he replied. Maybe it kinda helps that he is from Melbourne and he’s living in Sydney like me, a Burmese guy living in Sydney. We are both loners and I do not know what it is about him but it was quite refreshing that he actually replied to my texts.

Yes, one might think that I’m throwing a woohoo over something so small but if you have used a dating app before, especially the gay dating apps, you would know how it is so difficult to gain that continuity of communication between two strangers who had met through an online platform.

It was just not a reply but he would continue the topical conversation. The topic was of nothing. I just happened to have to eat vegetables today as part of my Buddhist routine. From that topic, our conversation escalated to how he has friends in Brisbane who knows how to cook veggie dish. Then, we talked about how he should look into Randwick if he was to look for somewhere to live in. Then, out of nowhere, we started talking about his housemate cooking for him and then about how they were going to watch a movie called Uncle.

I do not really know what to make of this person but once in a while, it’s very refreshing to get to know someone human-like from Grindr.

Fate Overdose

Call me crazy but while we are fresh from the topic of fate from yesterday’s entry and since I’m still bingeing on the TV series called “Frequency”, it’s only natural that a person like me would start relating everything around me to the possibility of these non-fiction plots applying to the reality around me. But, you can’t blame me for how it is such a co-incidence in what I discovered today.

It started off with my umbrella. I have this funky transparent umbrella and everyone who has seen it loves the umbrella. Since it has been raining heavily lately, I would always leave my umbrella inside this wet umbrella container at the entrance along with other umbrellas. For some reason, someone from work had taken my umbrella. One of my colleague once asked me if this umbrella was mine or someone else’s. Of course it was mine and I remember she actually said she had the exact same umbrella and someone took her umbrella as well. It’s something about these umbrella that has this karma of getting stolen by others at my workplace I guess.

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RIP umbrella

After work today, I met up my close friends for a seafood buffet. Now, I had no clue where this place was and I just wanted to eat some buffet with my friends on a Friday night. But it so happened that I was here almost a year ago (last year June) in the same place for the same buffet. It was the same buffet but just with a different group of friends. I never noticed it was the same buffet, nor the same place, since I never gave it any thought to find out if I had actually been to this place.

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I know I might be exaggerating if I say this. But, what if the umbrellas like mine and my colleague’s was not meant to exist in the workplace. What if umbrellas like those were meant to be stolen? What if that seafood place kept calling me to go there even without me consciously knowing? What if I am meant to go there? Normally, one would never spend 70 dollars at a buffet they have gone before. I would if the food is good but then again, knowing myself, I would’ve liked to try some places else. But no! I just had to not care about where I was going tonight. I just had to keep having to be in the same place again.

Of course, these are all just co-incidence and I should not have made such a big deal out of this but with that mind about fate fresh out of the oven from overdosing on a TV series I am heavily drawn to, I guess it’s only normal for me to think of it this way. Don’t worry. I am not extremely freaked out or mindblown by this but it sure as hell feels good to connect these dots sometimes, although the connection never makes sense or is meant to make any sense.

Three Of Us

Lately, I have been thinking lot of self-reflecting thoughts. It’s always been about the things around me. I guess I’m getting sick of changes in my life. I do not mind having a few changes here and there but as someone who’s always been on a move from one place to another and expected to have a very receptive adaptability with my every move, it’s become a bit tiring. It gets worse especially when I see my friends progressing and I always feel like I had to start from scratch again.

Walking to work, my iTune was playing Laura Pausini, an Italian singer I like. This made me think of last night where I was thinking of two of my soul mates back in Myanmar. Ok, soul mate, to me, need not necessarily be a man I am going to end my life with and have sex every night with. A soul mate, to me, is more of a friend I feel at home with. I am fortunate to have met a lot of good friends and close friends but I do have my fair share of those I can call my soul mates and these are the people I can just be myself around and always pick up where I leave off at any time without having to have to try hard. Before I moved back to Australia, I had two soul mates in Myanmar I was always around with. An Italian lady and a German girl.

Just like any good TV series, life does go on and the three of us are apart and we are pretty much in different continents and countries, leading our own lives. Maybe it was Laura Pausini or maybe it was my midlife crisis but this morning, I could not stop thinking about these two people in my life. Then, the more I think about them, the more I felt like I’m losing so much in my life without them. Well, of course, as all good friendship is made of, it’s pretty clear for the three of us that our friendship will never change and it will age like wine. However, physically, I do miss spending time with them. I miss meeting them out of nowhere. I miss waking up to looking forward to meeting them up. I miss retiring to each others’ arms after a long day of work.

As much as I do believe there will be more in the future, it does suck to not have it for the time being and as someone who’s always had things fade out of my life, I do sometimes ponder if this will just be another one of those milestones in my life that would just fade and stand pretty as an object of my past. Regardless of what stands in the way of our future, I decided that I would message both of them today.

It was during breaktime that I saw my Italian friend, Amore, tagged me on a post on Facebook. It was one of those annoying little videos that Facbeook would make off to celebrate several years of friendship between friends on Facebook. Apparently, the friendship with me showed up on Amore‘s newsfeed today. But this is where it gets interesting. She actually dreamt of me last night that I hugged her so hard without letting go for a long time. She was so happy to see me and she started crying, only to wake up to find this on her Facebook. Now, freakily enough, my mind was crying out for her and GermanMama the night before. Maybe the universe heard my cry. Maybe, there was something in the air that got my message to them. Maybe, we three are indeed connected in this weird kind of way where we can sense each other in one way or another. Funnily enough, when I mentioned about this to Amore and about how I miss GermanMama too, Amore mentioned that she was in her dream too.

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It’s this kind of love that assures me that there is such thing as this kind of connection on this planet Earth. In a world where corruptions exist in unpredictable patterns, one can do nothing but cherish and treasure this kinda of priceless love that is shared between the three of us. I couldn’t stop smiling reading the message from them at work. The walk home from work to the bus stop that I catch to get home to is long and it was raining heavily. Under my umbrella and partially getting soaked, I gave a heavy sigh and cried a little bit since there was no one around me at 7 pm. It was not because I was sad or happy but I just could not stop missing those happy times I shared with both of them. Then, a few minutes later, I felt a bit stupid crying under an umbrella in the middle of a street and I started to smirk at myself for looking like this teenage girl in some Korean drama. Heavy rain! Violin in the background (yeah, my iTune was playing some classical violin music)! It was pretty much a Korean drama.