I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I was glad I went to the wedding last night. First of all, it was great to see my uni buddy progress to another phase in his life and his wife is a lovely girl. It was also good to see some of my uni friends there as well. I guess it’s best to have a balance of types of people that surrounds me. It was an intimate 17 people wedding dinner. It might sound a bit weird but it was what was needed. Few close friends who could just catch up and talk to each other about almost anything.

Of all the conversations I had, this one conversation with this guy, who is a good friend of the bridegroom, really blew my mind. We were talking about cheating in general, when he mentioned about what happened to him during high school. So, he was dating a girl and one day, he went to a play with another girl. They held hands for twenty minutes and the next day, he had to break up with his girlfriend because he felt guilty.

First of all, this shows a lot about this guy. I have this sudden respect for him since he did what he felt like he needed to do. Yes, it might seem selfish to decide to break up but then, he’s honest enough to not leave his girlfriend hanging on whilst he had a moment with this other girl, the girl he held hands with for twenty minutes. Well, the fact that he was honest is not the point of this blog entry here but the fact that he felt guilty after he just held the hands of this other girl.

He has a good point there. As much as we all get jealous with our significant others over sex with others and as much as I think I wouldn’t mind my partner holding hands with another guy, come to think of it, I do think it’s worse to hold hands with another guy than having sex with another guy.

Sex, despite the intimacy, can be a usage. It can be of a casual recreational activity between two adults, who can agree to not let anything other than physical attractions get into each other’s hand. If you play the cards right, if you have nothing to do with that person other than sex, it’s quite acceptable. I do not encourage it but it’s forgivable. Sex with friends is not cool though since you are already emotionally attached with that person.

On the other hand, the act of holding hand is made up of so much elements. It’s a thing you would do after you have broken ample layers of ice between each other. It’s a thing you get out of comfort. It’s a thing you get when you have found your way out of the awkward stage with someone you barely know, or even someone you know. It’s an act of comfort and that comfort level is much more stronger than sex.

It completely blew my mind actually. I have never thought about it that way. Having sex is easy with anyone, when compared to holding hands intimately with someone. While it seems like a trophy thing to get to bone others, I dare say it would be much more difficult to find that confidence to hold someone’s hand for twenty minutes. Once you get that confidence, there’s a thin line, over which you can cross to consider yourselves as something ‘more than friends’.

So yeah, after this conversation I had with this friend of mine, I would hope my partner or fiance-to-be will not ending holding the hand of someone else for more than twenty minutes. What do you think?

dec18

Dream from last night : I was peeing into this toilet that looks like there’s a washing machine connected to it from the top. Instead of aiming my pee at the bowl, I aimed it higher and my pee got into these clothes inside the washing machine above it. I don’t know why but I had the feeling (in my dream) that these were the clothes of my grandparents. I felt guilty as I peed into them and I had no idea why I did what I did. Also, I was in a house which I had no idea whose of and the toilet was so small I could just fit in standing up to pee.

Molly & Me

I know this might not come across as something I should be sharing with everyone of you readers as if it’s a good thing but it’s just something to put into record. I’m not that much of a risker but that has not stopped me from having that ‘I would try everything once’ attitude. Apart from stupid things like phone game apps or toy collection, I am not that much of an addictive person.

Having my trusted friend with me on a Friday night tonight, I decided to pop some pills with him. I have never done any pills before in my life. Well, I’ve done the one where my friend melt over a spoon to smoke it with a bong which does not allow me to sleep; like I’ve said, it didn’t get me addicted either. Did it once and that was it. So, getting back to today, I just wanna find out what it’s like to feel like these other pill poppers in clubs. It seems like there is this trend for this new culture of people who likes to enjoy bopping their heads in EDM festivals with some chemicals inside of them.

Without checking what it was, I just trusted my friend while he and I both popped a pill each before we entered the gay club, Arq. Another thing about me and drugs/pills is how it does not really affect me much, apart from LSD, although I have to admit I was still myself even on that. So, when I did weed with my buddies in Myanmar, they would be laughing their asses off. I would be laughing at some point but the most non-common thing that I had ever done on weed was converse non-step about how science is proportional to religion and stuffs like that.

It was a great night actually but the effect was not that noticeable. I did notice I was dancing so much. Kept dancing and dancing. I was friendlier to people. I had more confidence in approaching people but this was not really unlike me since I am a social person. But it was more like I did not give a fuck about what others think. I was dancing with others and for some reason, the other people seems so friendly and the music was just so good. I had no idea what they were playing but it felt good and I was just so on top there. I kept drinking and drinking with my friend and it felt like one of those ‘hot shot’ nights where everything just seemed so right.

But to be honest, I was aware of everything. It was not like I was drunk. I enjoyed every minute of it. I remembered most of it although I was pretty curious if there were any time that I was not myself and I had slipped to somewhere else without knowing. My friend told me I seemed just happy and fine. It was a good night and that’s all I remembered. If I had to pinpoint the bad thing about this was the fact that I chewed my inner cheeks a lot. I asked my friend what the game was and it was Molly!

Like I’ve said, I’m positively sure I will not get addicted and I would not stop anyone from doing it if only they would promise that this will not be a habit. It’s a risk to be honest. So, take it only if you can win over your mind like me. For me, it’s a tick off my bucket list and it’s nothing more. I might do it again but not on a regular basis or not enough to waste my life away.

apr7

Different Ball Game

It was a different ball game today with Mr747. As usual, we decided to meet for dinner after work and as usual, I was looking forward to this. It seems like we both cannot get enough of each other and it was just so nice to have someone so compatible. We went and had dinner at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant.

As usual, we decided to walk around a bit after our dinner. We walked through this University of Western Sydney and checked out some stuffs they put up on the wall. It was some woodwork decor which he was going on and on about it, to which I thought was adorable. Then, we both decided to sit down at the staircase of some office building, which was parallel to the train tracks. In front of us, we could see the trains whooshing past. Then, something happened. We held each other’s hands.

“I feel so comfortable with you. I like this feeling of being able to hold your hand” What can I say to this? I like it too. We both had one of those quiet moments as we held each others’ hands and watched the train passed by us at full speed. Then, he decided to walk me home. When we said goodbye, I could see that he was being a bit hesitant to leave. To this, I said “Here we go. I know you want to.” And I opened up my hands in a welcoming position for a hug, to which he hugged me tight. Then, we kissed a bit. And, as usual, he said “I should not do this”. I moved away. Then, at the point where it was both our cue to say goodbye and walk away, he was just standing there again. To this, I joked “I can read your mind that you still want to give me another hug”. I was not sure but he gave in and gave me another tight hugs.

apr5

As he ran off into the darkness to his way home, I went back up feeling all happy about this completely turn of roles between us. I was not so sure to secure my feelings towards him but it does feel like we were progressing to becoming more than friends. So, I decided to give him this text.

Me: By the way, reality check. You can’t be scared of hurting others, mr. Cos it’s both ways. You can’t always blame yourself for that. To me, the real deal is not the result. It’s the journey. I’ll never force you but take my hand while it’s there.

Him: I know. But I value you too much already. So many have walked away. I want to be friends and then maybe develop that to more.

Me: You think I don’t value you? It aches that I can’t do what I please with you cos I’m worried I might go against your rule book. Though it’s cute it’s you who’s been breaking it.

Him : I know. And I always do that. I know you value me. But I overthink.

Me : So do I.

Him : Not on purpose.

Me : Same here. I have little tiny voices saying stuffs.

Him : Just me.

Me : I respect that.

Him : Being kind of guarded is me.

Me : I understand. Being scared to make a mistake to lose you forever is me. That’s me overthinking.

Him : We’re so the smae.

Like I said, it’s a completely different ball game!

Friend On The Fence

apr3It’s one thing to be at the other end of the fence and it takes me a while to realize how things can be different if you are making things up in your head. I read somewhere once that at times we do not really know what is really there since all of us have different perspectives towards the same thing. In the end, it does not really matter what is right or wrong, when things can be seen in so many different perspectives from different point of views.

There is this one guy at work. He’s actually really cute and I would not hesitate to have a go at him if only he plays in the same team as me, and of course if he is interested in me. I do not really think he plays on the same team as me but he seems super friendly and we always catch each other’s glances. Maybe it’s the way I stare but it’s not really such a surprise that I have had straight guys stare at me. I’m sure it’s not because I look awesome or if I have something stuck in my teeth. I think it’s probably because of the way I would subconsciously stare at them.

So, while taking my break in the kitchen at work, this dude at work just happened to come in. And he started talking. We introduced each other. This is something very wrong, yet right, about people in Australia. They are just so nice to each other you can hardly tell who’s straight or gay. Back in my country, it takes a lot of men to warm up to each other and it’s often gay men that would warm up faster. Even then, there would be some other gay men who would take forever to mingle.

Him being all friendly to me somewhat made me think that there is a small chance that he might be gay. We talked for a while and of course, loving attention, I found it quite fun and nice to be able to converse with him. This could be my new friend at work. New friend I might have a chance to sleep with since he was a cutie. And there, it caught me with a thought.

I am not so sure if this guy is gay but let’s just say he is, hypothetically. If he was gay, let’s just say he was actually flirting with me. Would I stop him? No. Would I continue the flirt and even throw some cheeky liners his way? Yes. Would I sleep with him? Yes. Do I like him enough to actually chase him for something more than friends? Not at all!

Then, it hit me there what if Mr747 could have been this way with me. We slept? Yes. We had sex? Yes. We enjoyed each other’s company? yes. We flirt? Yes. But, regardless, this does not always necessarily mean that he is into me for something more than a friend, doesn’t it? It’s not like I am hoping Mr747 will be into me but I cannot hide the fact that I really like him and I would like to get to know him more than just being his friend. In fact, it would be good if we could own each other one day.

So, reality bites! As much as I can daydream about how each and everything that happens between me and Mr747 sparks some potentials between us, it’s not so certain unless I can get myself into his head to figure out how he is looking at things around him. Don’t get me wrong. For all I know, the dude at work might not even be gay and even if he was, I will never be sure if he is into me. And for all I know, I do not even know if I might end up liking Mr747 as someone more than just friends. So, there is no assumption here but it’s funny how our perspectives, when unmatched, can be amazingly suitable for both point of views, yet so different!

747 Touch Down

When push comes to shove, it escalates to an extreme with Mr747. So, finally we met up again last night. Instead of going out for drinks, we decided to go over to his place for wine. We drank wine at the balcony and as per usual, we talked about anything, while one topic clicks from one random to another. He opened a bottle of wine while he puts his favorite song “Go West” by Pet Shop Boys in the background. On the other hand, he started to show me his side-hobby, where he is trying to work on setting up room lighting with censor switches controllable from his handphone.

apr1.2

It was when we started watching TV on his huge couch that we started to get cozy. The next thing we know, I was in his arms beside him, cuddling and snuggling up while we watched funny Youtube videos. While we were snuggled up, he said “I feel so comfortable with you. I don’t know why”. There were times where our face would get closer. Close enough to kiss but he would stop himself and say “I won’t do it”. I assured him it’s ok and there is no need to feel uncomfortable about it.

Mr747 also started mentioning about how he would think a lot before he ruins the moments with others because they would just leave the next day and they would not return. I told him I was going nowhere. I don’t know. It was pure comfort with no expectations. I was just feeling so comfortable with him and I am just enjoying every second of this night with him.

After a Monty Python and a few youtube clips, he asked if I wanted to sleep over. I didn’t mind. Then, afterwards, he mentioned something about having breakfast together the next morning. Knowing I had to go to medical check up this morning, I told him I would settle for lunch. We retired to his bed and I noticed that he started to fart. Ok, we were not on a date and this was the first time we were together in his bed. It was not gross and it was not stinky actually but we both laughed at him farting and he said “I don’t know why I did that but I feel so comfortable with you”

Back in his room, at first he was in his boxers. I was in my T shirt and boxer brief. Then, he asked me if I sleep in my T shirt. I said ‘not really’. I stripped. Then we started to cuddle a bit. By this time, we were almost spooning each other. Then, he asked me if I sleep in boxers. Not sure why but when I said ‘sometimes’, he reached for one of his boxers and both of us cuddled next in our boxers. It was about five minutes later that he decided to sleep naked with me. The next thing we knew, we were spooning each other nude.

Just like he was in the living room, he started to warm up to me but whenever his face got near my face, he would say “No. I am not going to do it”. I didn’t force him and I went with his flow but before we knew it, it escalated to a full make out. While we made out, he said “Do not expect anything, ok? We will not have sex”. Sure, I assured him. After pashing for some time, both of us fell asleep with his arm around me and me asleep in his arms.

It was 4 am when we both woke up out of nowhere. We were in our morning breath. For some reason, we started making out again and before I knew what was going on, both of us hit third base and then out of nowhere, the next thing I knew was him grabbing for his box of condoms. We hit homerun. I was pretty sure he had mentioned about him bottoming for other guys before and out of nowhere, he had become the top in this situation. Kinda works for a complete bottom like me. I can’t complain. I will not go into details but all I can say is even though he is not a good kisser, sex was good and I had fun. Maybe it was the intimacy we both built as well.

It was 6 am when we finished. I decided to go home since I had to get ready for my medical check up anyways. As I was dressing up, he asked me if I wanted him to drive me back home. It was a nice gesture. I mean, it was 6 am and who would, in his right mind, be awake enough to send someone he just had sex with home. Full of intrigue and with a head full of questions, I kissed him goodbye as I got off at my place.

I do not know what it is and I do not like to think what it is but I liked it and I don’t want to ruin it!

apr1

Somewhat Human

mar28It’s really hard to find someone like Mr747 actually. So, yes, we have met. We have spoken on chat before. We have left impressions that we enjoyed each other’s company. I do understand there’s nothing there to expect between us and I do not even know if there is going to be sex between us, since that was the first intention of chatting up with him in the first stage. However, I am quite surprised to see a bit of a continuity.

Bored during break time at work, I just texted him for no reason and Alas, he replied. Maybe it kinda helps that he is from Melbourne and he’s living in Sydney like me, a Burmese guy living in Sydney. We are both loners and I do not know what it is about him but it was quite refreshing that he actually replied to my texts.

Yes, one might think that I’m throwing a woohoo over something so small but if you have used a dating app before, especially the gay dating apps, you would know how it is so difficult to gain that continuity of communication between two strangers who had met through an online platform.

It was just not a reply but he would continue the topical conversation. The topic was of nothing. I just happened to have to eat vegetables today as part of my Buddhist routine. From that topic, our conversation escalated to how he has friends in Brisbane who knows how to cook veggie dish. Then, we talked about how he should look into Randwick if he was to look for somewhere to live in. Then, out of nowhere, we started talking about his housemate cooking for him and then about how they were going to watch a movie called Uncle.

I do not really know what to make of this person but once in a while, it’s very refreshing to get to know someone human-like from Grindr.

Fate Overdose

Call me crazy but while we are fresh from the topic of fate from yesterday’s entry and since I’m still bingeing on the TV series called “Frequency”, it’s only natural that a person like me would start relating everything around me to the possibility of these non-fiction plots applying to the reality around me. But, you can’t blame me for how it is such a co-incidence in what I discovered today.

It started off with my umbrella. I have this funky transparent umbrella and everyone who has seen it loves the umbrella. Since it has been raining heavily lately, I would always leave my umbrella inside this wet umbrella container at the entrance along with other umbrellas. For some reason, someone from work had taken my umbrella. One of my colleague once asked me if this umbrella was mine or someone else’s. Of course it was mine and I remember she actually said she had the exact same umbrella and someone took her umbrella as well. It’s something about these umbrella that has this karma of getting stolen by others at my workplace I guess.

mar24.1

RIP umbrella

After work today, I met up my close friends for a seafood buffet. Now, I had no clue where this place was and I just wanted to eat some buffet with my friends on a Friday night. But it so happened that I was here almost a year ago (last year June) in the same place for the same buffet. It was the same buffet but just with a different group of friends. I never noticed it was the same buffet, nor the same place, since I never gave it any thought to find out if I had actually been to this place.

mar24.2

I know I might be exaggerating if I say this. But, what if the umbrellas like mine and my colleague’s was not meant to exist in the workplace. What if umbrellas like those were meant to be stolen? What if that seafood place kept calling me to go there even without me consciously knowing? What if I am meant to go there? Normally, one would never spend 70 dollars at a buffet they have gone before. I would if the food is good but then again, knowing myself, I would’ve liked to try some places else. But no! I just had to not care about where I was going tonight. I just had to keep having to be in the same place again.

Of course, these are all just co-incidence and I should not have made such a big deal out of this but with that mind about fate fresh out of the oven from overdosing on a TV series I am heavily drawn to, I guess it’s only normal for me to think of it this way. Don’t worry. I am not extremely freaked out or mindblown by this but it sure as hell feels good to connect these dots sometimes, although the connection never makes sense or is meant to make any sense.