Fate vs. Science

Those of you who knows me would know how much of a couch potato I am. I love watching TV and truth be told, the reason that I can speak presentable English, as much as I would like to think it’s all from growing up in an international school, it was more from the TV series and movies that I watch. Recently, I’ve been so drawn to this TV show called “Frequency” on Netflix.

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Derived from a movie, where this guy got to contact his dead dad from ten years back to save his dad from dying and go through several butterfly effects to save his whole family, the series tells the same story. Instead of a son, it’s a daughter, named Raims, this time around. In order to save her dad from dying, she changed her past by getting contact with her dad through this old ham radio. She was about to get engaged to her boyfriend. But, saving her dad caused some butterfly effect where her mom ended up dying in the present and how her fiance was someone she does not know and who was about to get married to another girl.

As the plot goes on, it so happened that Raims kept crossing path with her fiance (well, fiance in the other present that has changed for now). Raims has collection of two pasts, one that was the original one and the one that got out from her saving her dad from dying. In the present life where his dad was saved, she ended up going to the bar where she would always go with her fiance (from the other past) would go. She bumped into the fiance. Then, there would be time she would bump into her fiance in the underground subway. Long story short, and this is not a spoiler, no matter how her once-fiance is engaged to another girl from another life in the current present, both of them started to fall for each other again.

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If there is anything interesting about this TV series, it is the whole fair share of ‘tug of war’ balance between science and fate. There is just so much that we can change from our pasts but there is also so much that we can run away from fate. Often, I would think about the ‘what ifs’ of those people I have loved or dated in my life. There has not been any moment where I would go back to those I have been involved with and I do believe that this is only happening because I am meant to be with someone who I have not met. Maybe I have met him but I do not know as yet that he is the one for me.

It also makes me wonder how if I were to change something, from the future, of my present as of now, would I have met him then? Would I have known this person I will have yet to meet in this current present I am living in now? Fate, to me, is one big thing I believe in. I believe in karma and I do believe that no matter what I do or try to do anything, something always pulls me towards things I’m meant to be. Just like how I had to get deported from Australia once to be able to go back to Myanmar and become the first to host the opening and closing ceremony of the SEA Games, which started my high rank career as a successful MC, with my own radio show.  Just like how I had to go back to my country to connect with my family again before I got back here to Australia to live a more settled life.

Fate is, in fact, quite scary and unavoidable. It would suck to lose the one I love in the present just because I change a past but knowing one can never exit from fate, I feel quite comfortable that I will, in fact, meet the dude of my life through fate. I have not seen him in this current present yet. Maybe, in my other parallel present, I might have met him. I might have been married to him. I might even broken up with him. I don’t know. But however, I shall wait for fate to bring me that right ‘one’ person in my life, who is meant to be with me forever.

Three Of Us

Lately, I have been thinking lot of self-reflecting thoughts. It’s always been about the things around me. I guess I’m getting sick of changes in my life. I do not mind having a few changes here and there but as someone who’s always been on a move from one place to another and expected to have a very receptive adaptability with my every move, it’s become a bit tiring. It gets worse especially when I see my friends progressing and I always feel like I had to start from scratch again.

Walking to work, my iTune was playing Laura Pausini, an Italian singer I like. This made me think of last night where I was thinking of two of my soul mates back in Myanmar. Ok, soul mate, to me, need not necessarily be a man I am going to end my life with and have sex every night with. A soul mate, to me, is more of a friend I feel at home with. I am fortunate to have met a lot of good friends and close friends but I do have my fair share of those I can call my soul mates and these are the people I can just be myself around and always pick up where I leave off at any time without having to have to try hard. Before I moved back to Australia, I had two soul mates in Myanmar I was always around with. An Italian lady and a German girl.

Just like any good TV series, life does go on and the three of us are apart and we are pretty much in different continents and countries, leading our own lives. Maybe it was Laura Pausini or maybe it was my midlife crisis but this morning, I could not stop thinking about these two people in my life. Then, the more I think about them, the more I felt like I’m losing so much in my life without them. Well, of course, as all good friendship is made of, it’s pretty clear for the three of us that our friendship will never change and it will age like wine. However, physically, I do miss spending time with them. I miss meeting them out of nowhere. I miss waking up to looking forward to meeting them up. I miss retiring to each others’ arms after a long day of work.

As much as I do believe there will be more in the future, it does suck to not have it for the time being and as someone who’s always had things fade out of my life, I do sometimes ponder if this will just be another one of those milestones in my life that would just fade and stand pretty as an object of my past. Regardless of what stands in the way of our future, I decided that I would message both of them today.

It was during breaktime that I saw my Italian friend, Amore, tagged me on a post on Facebook. It was one of those annoying little videos that Facbeook would make off to celebrate several years of friendship between friends on Facebook. Apparently, the friendship with me showed up on Amore‘s newsfeed today. But this is where it gets interesting. She actually dreamt of me last night that I hugged her so hard without letting go for a long time. She was so happy to see me and she started crying, only to wake up to find this on her Facebook. Now, freakily enough, my mind was crying out for her and GermanMama the night before. Maybe the universe heard my cry. Maybe, there was something in the air that got my message to them. Maybe, we three are indeed connected in this weird kind of way where we can sense each other in one way or another. Funnily enough, when I mentioned about this to Amore and about how I miss GermanMama too, Amore mentioned that she was in her dream too.

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It’s this kind of love that assures me that there is such thing as this kind of connection on this planet Earth. In a world where corruptions exist in unpredictable patterns, one can do nothing but cherish and treasure this kinda of priceless love that is shared between the three of us. I couldn’t stop smiling reading the message from them at work. The walk home from work to the bus stop that I catch to get home to is long and it was raining heavily. Under my umbrella and partially getting soaked, I gave a heavy sigh and cried a little bit since there was no one around me at 7 pm. It was not because I was sad or happy but I just could not stop missing those happy times I shared with both of them. Then, a few minutes later, I felt a bit stupid crying under an umbrella in the middle of a street and I started to smirk at myself for looking like this teenage girl in some Korean drama. Heavy rain! Violin in the background (yeah, my iTune was playing some classical violin music)! It was pretty much a Korean drama.

Loving Right

When this thing called ‘love’ was created, whoever created it is pretty smart. Love is the worst thing that fucks us up, especially when it comes to bringing out the opposite of what everything is. It weakens a strong man. It can turn everything from white to black and from black to white. It makes nighttime appropriately the best time to wish for daylight and it makes daytime too bright to yearn for the stars to come out at night.

One of my close friends has found someone on Tinder and what started from a hook up has turned into an endless series of flirtatious chats. The only thing that was a bit unbalanced here was how my friend was the one who was writing essays, when the other dude was just writing in sentences that do not have more than seven words in each of them. My friend is pretty well known and well loved for his easy going free spirit and he’s not the one that has a bad self esteem like I would. However, alas, after meeting this hook up guy who has turned his person upside down, it’s easy to see how affected he has been by this thing called love.

My once strong friend was chatting with me and my other friend in a group chat on Facebook messenger, asking us what he should write next. Then, he would tell us how he would feel like he wanted to type more. At times, he would go in circles trying to fight this temptation to do more for this guy. I could see that inner battle as he sways from one decision to another on what to do next with this guy he is subconsciously interested in. I am not saying ‘love’ as yet but this is where ‘love’ starts anyways, right?

Funnily enough, watching my friend chase after his own tail, going in circles, I could so easily see how he was more interested in the other guy than that other guy was interested in him. But then again, if I were in his shoes, I would have been the same. It’s funny how we see things clearer as the third person, as opposed to looking at things from the first person’s point of view. As much as I can give him good advice and see things so clear about what is happening with him and the other guy, if I were him, I would’ve been so blinded by the light of these emotions that can lead to love in the later stages.

Love is not a bad thing. It is a great thing but it is only good with the right person. Loving the wrong person can hurt so much and just cause so much disastrous outcomes. As I have mentioned earlier, love does tip things over and bring out the most opposite things to one’s contents.

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But this is also what makes love so worth it and this is the reason why we all need to find the ‘right’ person. Because that feeling to enjoy this joyride with the right person is the most treasured valuable thing in our lives. What can turn a day into night and black to white, it is surely much more enjoyable with someone beside you who can shine brighter with you in the darkest of nights or block the intrusive rays to be able to see how bright the stars are at night.

The game of love is not about the thing called love itself. The game of love lies within finding that someone. The right someone. That ‘one’ catch in our lives that we all starve of love for. And with this, I still stick to what I believe. I rather be single than to be with a person who is never right for me. It’s either I find that person or I’m better off on my own.

The Goldfish, The Wolves, The Grays

Sometimes, the easiest question makes it so hard for us to give the correct answer. It would be just as simple as a question even a five year old would be able to answer but at often times, we find ourselves unprepared to answer these questions.

I caught up with a group of friends today, who I have not met for a long time. Two girl-friends, who used to work with me ten years ago, and their husbands, and one mutual friend of ours and her daughter. It was one of those decent warm meet ups where everything was just so at ease.

The mutual friend, the lovely girl from New Caledonia, was going on about her gay friends. Then, she looked at me and said “You look really good. You are gay. Why are you single?” This was a very good time to boost my ego but I am so used to answering this question that it does not really bother me anymore. I answered “I have not found the right one.” Then, she continued. “My gay friend. All these gay men. They are so good looking and nice. But why are they mostly single?”

Unprepared would be the first expression my face naturally showed. This friend of mine is someone I do cherish and someone I would never feel uncomfortable talking about anything to. I was not uncomfortable about the question but I was more uncomfortable with myself because I could not think of an answer.

Out of nowhere, I explained to her how gay men are naturally competitive. They would come into a pub and see each other and most of the time, the first thing they would think of is how some other gay men are dressing better than them or just looking better than them. But I hesitated. That’s not true. Then, I told her most gay men have huge egos. They hate to be rejected and they seldom show others their interests upon other men they are attracted to and they would stretch it until the point that the other would give up trying for them and that’s when they would give in, too late. Then, I hesitated again.

That was not really for all gay men as well. Then, I thought about how there are gay men out there who do not necessarily have to be bitchy, competitive or egoistic. But then, that reminds me of those desperate ones. Those who would rush into a relationship or think the first time the eyes meet would symbolize ‘love’ and gesticulate the best love story ever told in the universe. Those who are impatient to look for others but just stretch and accept anything they can get, despite whatever they truly feel.

Then, I realized that was the problem. I do not speak on behalf of all gay men but from experience, there is hardly a gray area for gay men. We have those egoistic gay men, who are too proud to give in. Some of them love themselves more than they could give other some time to even be interested in. Some of these men would be in a relationship, only to actually appreciate being wanted by another man, or just to enjoy the attention. Once they get sick of it, it’s over.

Then, there are those I have mentioned earlier, who are just so desperate to jump into the commitment wagon, way before they even get to know the other man.

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It is quite true in my case since I have experienced from chats and dating apps how gay men would either rush into a relationship or just have this attention span of a goldfish. The goldfish will chat for a few minutes or days but they would never reach over the quota of a month. They would never make any effort to meet up. Maybe they are not sure. Maybe they cannot give time. But my point here is, why swipe right on tinder when they are not sure, or they cannot give time. They want to be impressed from the chat but how are we to impress them when they can’t even last a short while in a convo.

On the other hand, there are those hungry wolves, who are just major eager to date at first meet. Some of these people would get offended if you cancel a meet up. By cancellation, all I have done was to tell them I will let them know when I have time to hang out and not counting the weekdays, since we all work during weekdays, it would just take them two days to get impatient and start blaming the hell out of you for not showing efforts.

When can I meet that gray man of mine? Why can’t I have a consistent flow of good chats with some guy who will give me time to have a day off for a coffee. If they are too busy, why even bother coming on these apps? Fine! Maybe they want to just have a NSA play-around. But why would they take time deciding who to fuck with? I thought they don’t have time? Conflict much? And if they worship love, why not get to know someone to appreciate that person rather than rushing into something that is not even there.

I answered my friend with so much ‘umms’ and ‘errs’ she had to pretend she understood what I was saying. I do not know what she understood by my answer, when even I, myself, could not make head or tail of what I just responded to her.

Knowing love

I’ve been a little bit jaded lately when it comes to the word ‘love’, or to even fantasize the possibilities of love no matter how much I like a drop dead gorgeous guy. Maybe it’s a way to protect myself from hurting. Maybe it’s a way to avoid thinking something, that doesn’t actually exist there, exists. Maybe it’s just a way of growing thick skin, that often comes with a cynical side.

Don’t get me wrong. I do have my own certain goals when it comes to love. I want to find that someone. I want to be able to live with that someone through good and bad times. I want to be able to live and remember every minute and second of our lives together. I’m just more aware of reality more than before.

In fact, this realization of this so called reality makes me stronger and much more happier. Much more assured ironically as well, no matter how that thought of dying alone hangs by a thread. But at the same time, I have lost that faith in knowing how much I want to go with someone.

I used to be able to tell who I would want to live my life with. Maybe I have not found ‘the one’ lately but I have been pretty much not too enthusiastic whenever I spot a potential as I would normally be before. Maybe I’m sick of always having to be the first one to discover love. It’s just that having four failed relationships in my life always made me wonder what the point of feeling of having met someone was. Why did I feel so good when it always end up really bad?

So, these days, let alone opening up to someone I like about the way I feel, I have even lost that ability to know who I actually want. It’s pretty ironic how while I was feeling this way, I got a Faccebook message from somebody who has been stalking me. It’s a she, so it sure is going nowhere. She loves my smile and she has finally opened up to me this morning. The funny thing is we are not even Facebook friends.

 

Please don’t get me wrong. I am not making fun of this girl or shaming her. In fact, I envy her courage. Yes, it might not seem to be a wise idea to admit such strong feelings over someone you are not even Facebook friends with. But at the same time, the guts she has and the risk she took while writing this to me; it’s just so much more courageous than me going up to a hot guy at a gay bar to start a conversation. To make it worse, I rarely made it anyways to be able to reach out to strangers.

After reading what she wrote, a part of me wants to feel like that again. That feeling of love. That feeling of silly bravery. That strong gesture of really knowing what to do with who. I replied to her with an appreciative thanks and I told her I wish I was as brave as she was. I am sure she would know how I do not go for girls. Hopefully she does.

The question here is whether if I will have any guys who would want me that much or if I would ever find a guy who’s worth this much effort.