La Livre Noire

jan30

At some points in our single lives, the word ‘regular’ does not really work much. Especially if you’re one hell of a horn bag, it is pretty much impossible to have a one stop shop that would be as convenient as a 24 hours shop, when it comes to your sex buddies. If I have to make it sound better, we may call it these lovely people our ‘friends’ with benefits.

This has happened before last year when this one hell of a good fuck sounded so promising but it turned into a no show. I never understood the reason why. The hook up was one of the best and the guy kept saying how he wanted to do this more often. After that one time, there was no catch up later. For the first few weeks, I did try to make an effort to set the time and place for me and him to meet but he pretty much shoved off these invitations with the ‘busy’ card. I intend to believe him although my ego was pretty much stained by this subconscious assumption that he had just grown tired of fucking me, after just one time.

During these days, the only potential fwb for me is Leprechaun. Two meet ups with nothing but good sex and a bonus post-sex ‘lie in bed and talk about nothings’ connection, he seems to be hitting high in my little black book. However, it’s only fair that he’s not always available. For instance, he was not really free the day before and yesterday. I do completely understand and I do not expect him to always be there for me during every weekend. Especially when I will be off for a weekend getaway for my friend’s birthday next week, it’s only fair that I take his reasons for his busy schedules seriously and assume they are spoken out of ultimate honesty.

So what do we do when we face these things? It has never occurred to me actually. Especially given I am not that dumb to have never thought of this, it does drive me up the wall how this has never come up in my head. Why have I limited myself with just one regular buddy? Why not have more than one? Maybe it’s my clinginess talking but it seems like I get drawn to stick to one guy even for sex. Alas, dear me!

So, it was time for me to look at my little black book, aka my Whatsapp chat history. I saw some potentials but I stumbled across an old friend I have stopped meeting. I have no idea why I have stopped meeting him when the last sex we had was quite good and he lives pretty close to the city. BieberMan (yep, I shall call him this) and I met some time last year when we were both frisky. We met up.

For some reason, I went to his place right after work and my shoes had started to stink my feet. It was quite embarrassing but when I took off my shoes, we could both smell my stinky feet. There came a point in our conversation when he started to joke “I don’t know if it’s my feet or yours but I do apologise if it is my feet that is causing this smell”.  Then, I remember having a shower at his place and I remember although he finished quite fast, it was still a good root! Given he had been to Myanmar before, BieberMan was a pleasure to be around. He made me feel comfortable and I have noted how I would like to meet him up again.

Maybe it was because I started to date after a few days I met up with him or something like that but we had not met up for some time. I finally opened a conversation with him and alas, he was quite responsive and pretty much more than happy to have me back on his fuck wagon once again! Yay, go me!

Sedatephobic

It’s crazy how this is true but I got to learn something about myself from two dates on Saturday. Yes, it was all about having fun and all that but there was a great old conversation between me and the two men I was with on Saturday. For some reason, both of us talked about the same thing without having to even start the topic. It was the topic about me and silence.

During short breaks in between our ‘sessions’, there would be time where both of us would be a bit too tired to say anything. Then, it would always be me breaking the silence. I did not notice it first but after two times, Leprechaun finally mentioned “You can’t stand silence, can you? I notice you are afraid of silence”

What he said really blew my mind because I never thought of it before and yes, the more I thought about it, the more true it becomes. I do, in fact, cannot stand silence! I had a think about it in my head while he was saying it and finally I could tell why. Back in the days when I was a kid, our house would always be full of guests. Having guests over, according to my grandparents, it’s the responsibility of the host to ensure the guests are kept well and the guests enjoy. So, we were pretty much taking care of the guests 24/7. Having guests also means we had a lot of different types of people coming into our house. So, when we have those shy ones who dare not speak up to ask for small things like water, my grandparents would always have to the first to reach out to ask if they needed anything.

I guess that’s where I got this sub-conscious obligation to make sure people around me are not left unattended and at times, my brain just happens to sub consciously treats silence as a gesture of not being taken care of.

MadonnaFan and I also encountered the same incident. He and I would stop talking for a while and I would feel like it was an awkward silence and I would need to always fill that void; again, it was always sub conscious of course. He noticed that as well and he said the same thing. “You don’t like silence, do you?”

jan23It’s kinda sad how people can read into you this deep at first meet. Not to mention, even the bootie call victim can guess your personality after the second time round. This silence phobic in me continues today. It’s been a while since I have dated someone or thought of investing more time and effort in getting to know someone, as opposed to just having sex with them. So, having woken up this morning, I felt this urge to message MadonnaFan.

In all honesty, I had nothing to say and I do not really want to message him with small nothings. However, the minor sedatephobia got the best of me and I had to break the silence in messaging him with “Did you end up watching any movie last night? Have fun at work.”, to which he just answered “You too Hein”

I do not want to read it from a bad point of view but I got a lot of ‘leave me alone’ vibe from that message. Or a ‘I have nothing to say to you’ vibe from that reply of his. I am not angry with him since honestly, I do not really have any strong feelings towards him but it’s quite annoying when someone’s effort doesn’t really pay off. Here I am, being understanding, texting him a message, while he just gave a generic reply, without even answering my question.

Sigh! The sedatephobia in me does get a hold of me and pretty soon it might even turn me into this desperate monster. Honestly, I feel nothing for him but my mind just can’t help this lack of communication between us. I felt as if the guest who is staying at my house has not been looked after well.

Two Much

It’s not really surprising to me anymore how good things in life come in more than one simultaneously. Today marks the day I got closure from two men and although both of them have come from different dating apps and have different intentions, there was something very similar when it comes to the vibe I am getting from these two men. Yep, Heiny got lucky today, not just with one man, but with two men.

jan21First was this bootie call I have been looking forward to for some time. Last month before Christmas, I met up with this Irish guy, Leprechaun, for a bootie call. We really hit it off and I stayed at his place for more than three hours with him ‘finishing’ twice. It was one of those very comfortable sex but maybe it was because Leprechaun is not much of a chatter, both he and I kinda lost in touch.

Last week, I messaged him and asked if he would like to meet. I was ready for him to say ‘nah’ but to my surprise, he agreed to meeting up with me again for a bootie call. His place was in the middle of nowhere although it was in the city so I made sure I caught the bus earlier and as predicted, I reached his place earlier than I should. I gave him a hint while I was minutes away from his place. We were supposed to meet at 4pm but I was having lunch around his neighborhood at around 3pm. When I texted him that I was around, he said ‘Great! See you at 4pm’. Ok then. I tried to eat as slow as I could but even with the slow eating, I was 30 minutes early. I was a bit hesitant to message him but after waiting about five minutes in front of his place, I got impatient and messaged him. He was in the showers and I had to wait ten more minutes.

Seeing him felt great because I really like him. Unlike last time, he kissed me right away once I got into his living room. This was followed by good sex. This time around, he ‘finished’ three times in two hours. Even though we were two strangers meeting up for the second time to have sex, we had really good conversations in between the sex while we both rested for a few minutes. To me, it did not feel like a bootie call.

After the first time he ejaculated, he laid his head on my chest as we held hand and lie in his bed. The second time, I laid on his chest while he laid on his bed. It’s weird to be honest because once I got out of his house last time, we hardly chat and I could tell he’s not that much of a chatting app user. So, I never really knew whether he would like to see me again or not. This time around, I did ask him straight. “So, do you still want to see me again?”, to which he said “of course”. I do not know whether it’s a bootie call or not but the chemistry between us during the time I spent on his bed felt like sex between two ex-lovers, two good friends or even a committed couple. I try not to think much of this but I could not help feeling really comfortable and wanting to see him again.

Around 7pm, I got out of Leprechaun‘s house. He had to go to his friend’s dinner meet up and I had to head off to my date. It sure feels a bit weird to go on an actual date after a sex date. However, this guy is the guy I matched with on Tinder and he has actually stated that he is not just in it for NSA and he would like to get to know people and have a proper date. I was not expecting any sexual encounter and maybe just drinks for a get-to-know-each-other.

I was early again as I waited for him at Bank Hotel in Newtown. There were two ladies beside the table I was sitting at, in their late twenties. Normally, I would hear what others are talking about but I was a bit nervous about meeting with this guy. So, I just sat there and waited and he came into the bar. He looks way better in real life and that just made me more nervous. He spotted me and gave me his hands to shake. I responded to that with a small hug. Then, he said he would go get his drink and he went to the bar.

During this time, one of the two ladies have left the table and there was this really pretty lady in a red dress. We caught glances and she said “I hope you did not hear what I just said”. Honestly I did not. Like I said, I was out of focus, nervous and pretty much curious about how my date would turn out. I told her that and she questioned “Is this your first date?” Yes, I told her. “Did you guys meet on dating apps?” Yeah, where else, I told her. Then, I talked to her about how it would not be easy to meet gay guys in public to ask for dates. It would have to be in some gay venues (pubs and clubs), where most of the time these gay men would be drunk, or through dating apps. She seems to understand. She then said “Yeah I could tell this was your first date” I asked her, how so. “The way you guys greeted each other”. And I asked her “Do you think it looks like it’s going well”, to which she replied “Well, it looks good at the present”. I told her “Well, you be the judge as we progress in the night”. Sadly, the lady told me she had to leave right away but she wished me good luck. Good timing! My date, then, got back with his glass of beer.

He was not girly but he does have this fabulous edge, when he talks; it was one of those vibes where people could tell he’s gay from the first thing that comes out of his mouth. He has this really deep voice, which I find sexy, but the whole gay tone made him sound like a drag queen at times. He was not sassy, nor bitchy. He is funny and adorable actually and I kept looking into his graying blue eyes.

Leprechaun is 42 years old and this date of mine is 38. So, both men are of good age. After two beers and a wine bottle later, he offered to follow him home and to stay over. I was surprised. For someone who is not into “No string attached”, he seems to really like me enough to have invited me to his place. We both bought kebab and falafel to his place. We finally kissed. He is a soft kisser and a vulnerable one, where he would not use force into his kisses but it felt somewhat romantic.

After talking for a few minutes, he asked me to stay over at his place and the next thing we knew, we were both naked on his bed. We did not have sex although there was a lot of major heavy spooning involved. The next morning, he told me he really wanted to fuck me but he knew we were both tired. I was not tired actually but having eaten that falafel with chili sauce, I do not really think it would have been a great idea to have sex.

jan21-2Judging by lots of Madonna posters and artworks in his room, I finally found out that he is a big fan of Madonna. Originally from UK, my date was a MadonnaFan. The thing I really love about him was how we both seem to be so comfortable when it comes to interrupting our sleep. There were times he would just cuddle me out of nowhere as I was sleeping and whenever I cuddle him from behind while he would be sleeping, he would respond it with a kiss on my hand or by pulling my hands towards him. I really like that ease.

So yeah, two great men with potentials of becoming more that what we already have but here’s the thing. I am, once again, a bit confused about who I want. Leprechaun was doing so well and it was never meant to be this intimate until today with him and then MadonnaFan came along, with such great romantic gestures.

I’m not sure what would happen but it would be quite interesting to find out!