Friend On The Fence

apr3It’s one thing to be at the other end of the fence and it takes me a while to realize how things can be different if you are making things up in your head. I read somewhere once that at times we do not really know what is really there since all of us have different perspectives towards the same thing. In the end, it does not really matter what is right or wrong, when things can be seen in so many different perspectives from different point of views.

There is this one guy at work. He’s actually really cute and I would not hesitate to have a go at him if only he plays in the same team as me, and of course if he is interested in me. I do not really think he plays on the same team as me but he seems super friendly and we always catch each other’s glances. Maybe it’s the way I stare but it’s not really such a surprise that I have had straight guys stare at me. I’m sure it’s not because I look awesome or if I have something stuck in my teeth. I think it’s probably because of the way I would subconsciously stare at them.

So, while taking my break in the kitchen at work, this dude at work just happened to come in. And he started talking. We introduced each other. This is something very wrong, yet right, about people in Australia. They are just so nice to each other you can hardly tell who’s straight or gay. Back in my country, it takes a lot of men to warm up to each other and it’s often gay men that would warm up faster. Even then, there would be some other gay men who would take forever to mingle.

Him being all friendly to me somewhat made me think that there is a small chance that he might be gay. We talked for a while and of course, loving attention, I found it quite fun and nice to be able to converse with him. This could be my new friend at work. New friend I might have a chance to sleep with since he was a cutie. And there, it caught me with a thought.

I am not so sure if this guy is gay but let’s just say he is, hypothetically. If he was gay, let’s just say he was actually flirting with me. Would I stop him? No. Would I continue the flirt and even throw some cheeky liners his way? Yes. Would I sleep with him? Yes. Do I like him enough to actually chase him for something more than friends? Not at all!

Then, it hit me there what if Mr747 could have been this way with me. We slept? Yes. We had sex? Yes. We enjoyed each other’s company? yes. We flirt? Yes. But, regardless, this does not always necessarily mean that he is into me for something more than a friend, doesn’t it? It’s not like I am hoping Mr747 will be into me but I cannot hide the fact that I really like him and I would like to get to know him more than just being his friend. In fact, it would be good if we could own each other one day.

So, reality bites! As much as I can daydream about how each and everything that happens between me and Mr747 sparks some potentials between us, it’s not so certain unless I can get myself into his head to figure out how he is looking at things around him. Don’t get me wrong. For all I know, the dude at work might not even be gay and even if he was, I will never be sure if he is into me. And for all I know, I do not even know if I might end up liking Mr747 as someone more than just friends. So, there is no assumption here but it’s funny how our perspectives, when unmatched, can be amazingly suitable for both point of views, yet so different!

Concord Or 747

“Concord or 747”? That was the first line that got us together.

I was having one of those toey days and I was just surfing Grindr for a potential quickie. At first, I didn’t really have any plans to talk with him but something lured me into talking with him. His picture looks cute but it did not catch my eyes. Blinded by thousands of half naked man or pictures of male crotches wrapped around lycra, although I was not really into them, his sweet face meant nothing for me. After all, I was toey and I was looking for someone without any intentions of a good chat.

Both of us were conversing away on Grindr. Normally I would not really chat that much unless I know I’m locked into getting my Mojo off with someone. I would not really chat that much unless I can see something happening between us. This man I was passionately talking with was a man who ended a seven year marriage with his ex-wife and just recently got out of a relationship with his ex boyfriend during Mardi Gras.

“I am not looking for anything.” I was aware of this and I was also a bit hesitant about our meet up since I do not know what got me agreeing to meet him up for a couple of beer. Maybe I miss the old fashioned drinks that we normally get ourselves into among my younger years from these dating apps. Maybe I miss intimacy with a normal guy to be friends with. Maybe I was thirsty for a gay friend. Not that I do not have any but it would just be great to actually have to meet someone whose first agenda isn’t sex.

Ironic eh? Especially for someone who’s looking for sex, it’s funny how I succumb to being defeated to agree to have a conversational meet up with this intelligent soul.

When I finally met him, I was amazed. I would always minus the quality of a person from their dating apps profile pics. There can always be a possibility of great filters used and people would always upload pics from the best looking angles. This guy, on the other hand, looks so much cuter in real life.

Looking so cute, same age as me, and having this ability to converse with me almost about anything, it was a great meet up. There has been a few times where he kept repeating about how we think so alike. I felt good. It was pure. It was clean. I was not expecting anything. I could put myself in his shoes as someone who has been pretty much scarred from relationships in the past. It’s not like I’m in his position but I can totally respect that he was not looking for anything.

He did mention he felt like he has known me for a long time. He said we have so much in common and he did mention how he tells me things he would normally not tell others. Maybe it was the beer but I like to think that it was just that priceless amount of click between the two of us.

Will you believe me if I told you that meeting up with this man for one of the best conversations was so much more satisfying than great sex with someone I do not know. It was not because I was so hooked on him as well. I just felt this certain ease of tensionless good conversation between two men. No agenda, nothing but a potential friendship between me and Mr747.

His three questions were simple, except for the last one.

Beer or wine?

Tea or coffee?

Concord or 747?

He asked me think about the last question and we would talk about it when we met. After the meet up on Saturday, he said it was just a random question. I was not really sold that he was just asking it randomly. But yeah, the meet up went so well we both forgot to make more of why that question was asked.

Concord or 747? I guess I’ll know one day.

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Three Of Us

Lately, I have been thinking lot of self-reflecting thoughts. It’s always been about the things around me. I guess I’m getting sick of changes in my life. I do not mind having a few changes here and there but as someone who’s always been on a move from one place to another and expected to have a very receptive adaptability with my every move, it’s become a bit tiring. It gets worse especially when I see my friends progressing and I always feel like I had to start from scratch again.

Walking to work, my iTune was playing Laura Pausini, an Italian singer I like. This made me think of last night where I was thinking of two of my soul mates back in Myanmar. Ok, soul mate, to me, need not necessarily be a man I am going to end my life with and have sex every night with. A soul mate, to me, is more of a friend I feel at home with. I am fortunate to have met a lot of good friends and close friends but I do have my fair share of those I can call my soul mates and these are the people I can just be myself around and always pick up where I leave off at any time without having to have to try hard. Before I moved back to Australia, I had two soul mates in Myanmar I was always around with. An Italian lady and a German girl.

Just like any good TV series, life does go on and the three of us are apart and we are pretty much in different continents and countries, leading our own lives. Maybe it was Laura Pausini or maybe it was my midlife crisis but this morning, I could not stop thinking about these two people in my life. Then, the more I think about them, the more I felt like I’m losing so much in my life without them. Well, of course, as all good friendship is made of, it’s pretty clear for the three of us that our friendship will never change and it will age like wine. However, physically, I do miss spending time with them. I miss meeting them out of nowhere. I miss waking up to looking forward to meeting them up. I miss retiring to each others’ arms after a long day of work.

As much as I do believe there will be more in the future, it does suck to not have it for the time being and as someone who’s always had things fade out of my life, I do sometimes ponder if this will just be another one of those milestones in my life that would just fade and stand pretty as an object of my past. Regardless of what stands in the way of our future, I decided that I would message both of them today.

It was during breaktime that I saw my Italian friend, Amore, tagged me on a post on Facebook. It was one of those annoying little videos that Facbeook would make off to celebrate several years of friendship between friends on Facebook. Apparently, the friendship with me showed up on Amore‘s newsfeed today. But this is where it gets interesting. She actually dreamt of me last night that I hugged her so hard without letting go for a long time. She was so happy to see me and she started crying, only to wake up to find this on her Facebook. Now, freakily enough, my mind was crying out for her and GermanMama the night before. Maybe the universe heard my cry. Maybe, there was something in the air that got my message to them. Maybe, we three are indeed connected in this weird kind of way where we can sense each other in one way or another. Funnily enough, when I mentioned about this to Amore and about how I miss GermanMama too, Amore mentioned that she was in her dream too.

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It’s this kind of love that assures me that there is such thing as this kind of connection on this planet Earth. In a world where corruptions exist in unpredictable patterns, one can do nothing but cherish and treasure this kinda of priceless love that is shared between the three of us. I couldn’t stop smiling reading the message from them at work. The walk home from work to the bus stop that I catch to get home to is long and it was raining heavily. Under my umbrella and partially getting soaked, I gave a heavy sigh and cried a little bit since there was no one around me at 7 pm. It was not because I was sad or happy but I just could not stop missing those happy times I shared with both of them. Then, a few minutes later, I felt a bit stupid crying under an umbrella in the middle of a street and I started to smirk at myself for looking like this teenage girl in some Korean drama. Heavy rain! Violin in the background (yeah, my iTune was playing some classical violin music)! It was pretty much a Korean drama.