Convicting Feliny

SaltNPepa has been out of the picture for a while and I did not really get any messages from him during the week. Well, I do respect people for being busy and not being able to prioritize other things in their lives. Since the weekend was here, I finally negotiated with my ego to get myself to message SaltNPepa on Friday. We decided to meet this Sunday, which was today. To be exact, we decided to meet up for lunch near his place.

Of course, being the super thinker as I am, I have prepared myself for a potential dessert with this man, which I would not mind. And by dessert, I do not mean the sweet kind we put in or mouth (unless we define tastes of males genitals as sweet). And I kinda chose the place near him since I do not have the power or motivation to clean my room.

And yes, when the day actually came. SaltNPepa cancelled. How dare he? Well, it seems like he’s one of those people who works during the weekends and fair enough. I do get it to be honest. When you come back from work and especially when you’re too tired, the last thing you want to do is pick outfits to impress others. Or get your ass out of bed to go for lunch with a guy you got the number from at Palms night club two Fridays ago.

I was not angry to be honest. A little bit annoyed although with my newly unbroken injured nose, I was not in any mood to get out of my comfortable bedroom. He said he had to run a few errands at his place today and at first he was aiming to meet later in the evening but he cancelled. Without waiting for his confirmation, I met up with BroJ00 for our usual weekend intoxicating rendezvous at toms rooftop bar.

SaltNPepa asked me if it was possible to meet during the week days. Well, to be honest, my work shifts are from 11am until 7 pm this week and it was just a bit impossible to be able to make that work. Since it would be nearing 9 pm by the time I reach the city after work, it was just a bit not really workable. Regardless, I just asked him to message me when he wants to meet.

I call this the ‘cat’ move. Cats, unlike dogs, have this tendency to be attracted more to people who do not give a shit about them. My sister is a cat lover and she had this cute Persian for three years and the cat actually tries so hard to get the attention of her husband, who normally does not really give a hoot about its existence. Whenever my sister’s hubby feels like petting the cat, the cat would be on his natural high with his eyes closed, leaning its body towards the hubby.

mar26

Just like the Persian, I’m gonna leave the ball in SaltNPepa‘s court. I do not think he deserves to be given any attention until he is ready to actually meet up with me. Until he actually could motivate himself to meet up with me. Yes, being busy is something we all get webbed into in our lives but making time is also something that should be doable regardless. So yeah, watch me meow away purr-fectly away from you, mr!

In the end, if things are meant to be between me and SaltNPepa, be it partnership, relationship, friendship or fuckbuddyship (if that’s a word), one should not have to try this hard. So yeah, the ball’s in his court and this cat needs to focus on other things to spend his nine lives on. Especially after meeting this awesome guy yesterday evening. But ah well, I’ll have to leave the story about this guy for another day.

Desperation Summoned

It was all about convenience when I texted SaltNPepa today but I did not get any message back from him. It’s not like I am dying to get his attention and I am in no rush at all to meet up with him. However, it would be great to be acknowledged but then again, subconsciously, I have become a bit of a intense texter to this person.

It all started on Friday when I got SaltNPepa‘s number while I was at this gay pub called Palms. He never took me home because he said he had work on Saturday. Fair enough! He did mention how he would like to have dinner with me, which was also awesome. However, the trail of messages, when compared, made me look super desperate.

The message trail started on Friday when I got his number.

Sat 2:52 am,

Me : And this is Hein! As in Vein.

Me : You’re a good kisser by the way! 🙂

SaltNPepa : U too!

I should’ve stopped there but no! I just had to be super stupidly cheeky.

Me : Yeah! I youtub’d “best ways to kiss 101” haahaha

And there was no message from him.

Sat 1:40 pm,

Me: Is the last night drink doing you good today? Lol hope you’re having a good day, D!

Sat 6:02 pm,

SaltNPepa : Morning. Was nice to meet u.

Me : Did you just wake up lol

SaltNPepa : I woke up this morning, cleaned my house then went back to bed. Surfaced a couple hours ago. How are you holding up?

Me : Thought you were working today haha. I was doing well the whole day. Woke up at 9 to go lunch with friends but the energy is getting sucked out of me gradually hahaa

SalNPepa : I couldn’t get there. Was too tired. Rest up, and let’s catch up soon.

Me : Hahaha yeah I could imagine. Let’s aim for next weekend? I work late on weekdays until 7 pm and I live all the way in Parramatta.

SaltNPepa : Ok sounds good. I live in camperdown.

Ok, everything was going well but this morning, I was just so in the mood for a hook up. It was one of those mornings I wish I have this phone with a proper easy bootie call. And then, I also remembered that my next weekend’s schedule was swamped with lots of meet ups with my friends. So, I thought to myself how it would be convenient to meet him up today. So I started today.

Sun 9:41 am,

Me : Working today mr?

And that was it. No reply from him. If he was to get sick of me or think I do come across as chatty, I cannot really blame him. I could see how much of a non-chatter he is and I could also see that I do become this retard with so much bubbles in my brain whenever I get excited about someone. As much as he was not a wow factor on my men’s list, I do value the way we met. We met in a pub and we talked and got to know each other in a pub. We traded numbers. For once, I did not have to depend on gay apps to get to know someone I could potentially have fun with. So, for that reason, he has become one of the most interesting men on my list. But alas, it so turned out that this had made me this chatty retard when he is just someone, who would chuck a cameo text every now and then.

mar19

I feel so silly to be honest. Never did I want to try this hard for a man. I have become too comfortable in my own bubble of being on my own but somehow, because of my thirst for some man to man action, I have become to turn out as if I was some teenage chatty gay man who seems to be excited over this guy after trading numbers with him.

The worst thing was… I stumbled across his Facebook profile today because I have his number on my phone and for some reason, SaltNPepa looks so much hotter than I remember he did. Damn it! I really suck at timing!

Ex Scars

Some people would think I am not over my ex. By ex, I meant the Indonesian cutie I was in serious long distance relationship for a year and a half. It’s my award winning relationship and the only relationship that lasted that long and the only relationship I ever made an extra effort to travel to where he is. It was the relationship of my life, where my friend thought this was it and I would die clutching his hand like the old couple in the movie “Notebook”.

It is not hatred and I am totally over him after the break up. In fact, it was me who broke up with him. It was definitely not hatred but the disgust was there. I broke up with him because he was not the guy I have thought he would be. I am sure he did not mean to lie to me or to fake himself into making me fall for him but he turned out to be someone he is not. The thing here is, there is a big difference between getting there, got there and not getting there at all. I do admire anyone for who they are and I do admire anyone for trying their hardest to get somewhere. However, when it comes to faking one self as if they got there, it would disgust me to my core.

The issue was not big but little things did build up until the point that I just had to let go. I fell out of love and the man I once loved was not there anymore. By faking himself as if he got there, I meant to say how effected my ex was by things around him until the point that he would fake to belong. This made him lack his favorite and his taste. He would like or want something just because it’s trendy or because people talk about it. What he likes, what he has in his mind or what he actually is, I will never know.

mar15

So, when I said little things bug me, I will give you an example of the littlest thing he would do that would really tick me off. He would post pictures on his instagram of things around him that looks good. Ok, when I put pictures on instagram or if anyone was to post pics on instagram, it would have to be spontaneous and it would have to be something that comes into the head. Yes, some of us actually plan things and try to make things look good but those come from our spontaneous thoughts in our head. My ex would actually take some good pics but then he would come up with really cheesy captions that sounds like a caption of a marketing campaign. For example, he would post a picture of a sunset and he would start writing things like “some are just passing by but some are actually stopping by and enjoyin this awesome and a bit shy sunset”. Ok, first of all, English is not his strongest language and I can let that pass but the thing that bugs me from this is how it sounds like a caption of a life insurance commercial.

Maybe I’ve totally fell out of love, flat down on my face. I mean him no harm and he does have a good heart but things like that instagram post makes me cringe.

mar15.2Today, on Tinder, I met my match. It was a guy from Bali who just reached here. I’m definitely not racist and I do not have any preference with the ethnicity of men. He looks pretty hot from his picture. After a short intro at each other, I asked him how his day was and to this, he answered “Beautiful day”. I cringed!

It’s not the language. It’s not about where he was from. It’s not about judging that person. But I have to admit. The next person that I fall in love with would have to internally connect with me. Yes, you can say I do have high standards and maybe I am quite picky. And, I am not saying this guy is going to be my next boyfriend or anything but I guess it’s the scar of my ex’s past cringe-worthy habits that things like these make me cringe and they pretty much turn me off.

As someone who gets turned on by intellect, persona and personality, things like this kinda just make me lose interest. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘beautiful day’. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s just that when he said that, it reminds me of this retired 62 year old man sitting on a bench looking into a view from the top of a hill. It’s either that or it reminds me of my ex’s Instagram captions.

I have added the Bali guy from Tinder on my Whatsapp but I have yet to find out what will come out of this.

PhuturePhobic

It’s almost like that movie where Will Ferrell’s character’s life started to depend on the character of a book some author was writing about. I forgot the name of that movie but knowing his character was going to die, he tried to chase up the author to make sure she does not let him die. In the same way, I guess I am blogging my life away, not knowing this has come to this.

I named my blog ‘millennial’s crisis’ to have a poke fun at looking as one of the early millennials living a life in his mid-thirty, whilst starting a new life. It’s not like I am good at regulary posting but it seems like my life has become somewhat that of a millennial’s crisis. I have reached this part in my life where I can’t even be bothered catching up on the blogs I have not yet covered.

Normally, I would keep an excel spreadsheet with lists of things to write about when I could find some time. However, I would have to backdate it and kinda put myself back in that place at that time, which won’t really do as much justice as it would as compared to word puking from my fingers as I am doing now. So yeah, as much as I would like to catch up with what was left of my February, I feel too stressed to even think of completing it, or thinking back on those days.

Things have been pretty much dull for me lately. It’s sloped downhill at a very moderately calm slope, inclined at a very small acute angle. It’s all about friends in Sydney. I am blessed to have good friends here but everyone’s in a rush here in Sydney. I was talking with my friend about this and what he said was correct. People in Sydney would try to solve puzzles and put things into place before letting themselves go. Yes, it’s always to think first before you do things but when it comes to spontaneously hanging out with friends, what’s good about trying to make sure we have to ‘pencil’ in a time gap in one of our schedule planner book. JUST to meet up with a friend.

Back in Myanmar, I would call my friends up and ask what they would be doing. Some of them would ask me to join right away. Here, they would be busy, which is fair, but then they would only mark that time for that certain thing they are doing with their certain friends. I would hate to think it’s the right thing to feel as I am feeling now and maybe this is something I would have to learn and to stop taking every friends’ availability for granted. But yeah, it is just so much easier to feel lonely here in Sydney. And I ain’t even talking about dating life. Yet!

The other thing I have found out is how people kept talking about driving to work and trying to buy house. I could hardly save enough money to get myself a new iphone. Yes I do have a job but I ended up using most of what I got paid and I could not get myself to save enough to even get me a new iphone, let alone a shelter. I am fortunate that one of my close friends have allowed me to live under his roof at a very generous rent fees. But then again, this is his house and I am sure he would want to live a proper ‘self house’ life one day. Knowing this, it also stresses me on how I would be living in a few years’ time.

Then, there is the citizenship. So, after five years, I would not be able to go back to my country easily, unless I have a citizenship and belong here. Well, I would still have to apply for a visa to go to my mother land, which seems a bit shameful but I am willing to give up my citizenship to Australia. I do miss my family and it scares me that I will not be able to live with them as much as I used to live with them before. They are ageing and so am I.

mar13

I am not so sure if I am living life right. I am going to be 36 this year and I do not feel like an adult yet. They say, we can always start life anew but I am in need of a motive and I need to be inspired to be able to want to live life right in my mid-thirties. It’s one thing to feel fortunate that I am thinking these things proactively but it is also another ongoing hard struggle to battle my fears away. Especially when time does not really help.

So, yes, I am actually having a crisis after all… when it comes to living right.