Desperation Summoned

It was all about convenience when I texted SaltNPepa today but I did not get any message back from him. It’s not like I am dying to get his attention and I am in no rush at all to meet up with him. However, it would be great to be acknowledged but then again, subconsciously, I have become a bit of a intense texter to this person.

It all started on Friday when I got SaltNPepa‘s number while I was at this gay pub called Palms. He never took me home because he said he had work on Saturday. Fair enough! He did mention how he would like to have dinner with me, which was also awesome. However, the trail of messages, when compared, made me look super desperate.

The message trail started on Friday when I got his number.

Sat 2:52 am,

Me : And this is Hein! As in Vein.

Me : You’re a good kisser by the way! 🙂

SaltNPepa : U too!

I should’ve stopped there but no! I just had to be super stupidly cheeky.

Me : Yeah! I youtub’d “best ways to kiss 101” haahaha

And there was no message from him.

Sat 1:40 pm,

Me: Is the last night drink doing you good today? Lol hope you’re having a good day, D!

Sat 6:02 pm,

SaltNPepa : Morning. Was nice to meet u.

Me : Did you just wake up lol

SaltNPepa : I woke up this morning, cleaned my house then went back to bed. Surfaced a couple hours ago. How are you holding up?

Me : Thought you were working today haha. I was doing well the whole day. Woke up at 9 to go lunch with friends but the energy is getting sucked out of me gradually hahaa

SalNPepa : I couldn’t get there. Was too tired. Rest up, and let’s catch up soon.

Me : Hahaha yeah I could imagine. Let’s aim for next weekend? I work late on weekdays until 7 pm and I live all the way in Parramatta.

SaltNPepa : Ok sounds good. I live in camperdown.

Ok, everything was going well but this morning, I was just so in the mood for a hook up. It was one of those mornings I wish I have this phone with a proper easy bootie call. And then, I also remembered that my next weekend’s schedule was swamped with lots of meet ups with my friends. So, I thought to myself how it would be convenient to meet him up today. So I started today.

Sun 9:41 am,

Me : Working today mr?

And that was it. No reply from him. If he was to get sick of me or think I do come across as chatty, I cannot really blame him. I could see how much of a non-chatter he is and I could also see that I do become this retard with so much bubbles in my brain whenever I get excited about someone. As much as he was not a wow factor on my men’s list, I do value the way we met. We met in a pub and we talked and got to know each other in a pub. We traded numbers. For once, I did not have to depend on gay apps to get to know someone I could potentially have fun with. So, for that reason, he has become one of the most interesting men on my list. But alas, it so turned out that this had made me this chatty retard when he is just someone, who would chuck a cameo text every now and then.

mar19

I feel so silly to be honest. Never did I want to try this hard for a man. I have become too comfortable in my own bubble of being on my own but somehow, because of my thirst for some man to man action, I have become to turn out as if I was some teenage chatty gay man who seems to be excited over this guy after trading numbers with him.

The worst thing was… I stumbled across his Facebook profile today because I have his number on my phone and for some reason, SaltNPepa looks so much hotter than I remember he did. Damn it! I really suck at timing!

Ex Scars

Some people would think I am not over my ex. By ex, I meant the Indonesian cutie I was in serious long distance relationship for a year and a half. It’s my award winning relationship and the only relationship that lasted that long and the only relationship I ever made an extra effort to travel to where he is. It was the relationship of my life, where my friend thought this was it and I would die clutching his hand like the old couple in the movie “Notebook”.

It is not hatred and I am totally over him after the break up. In fact, it was me who broke up with him. It was definitely not hatred but the disgust was there. I broke up with him because he was not the guy I have thought he would be. I am sure he did not mean to lie to me or to fake himself into making me fall for him but he turned out to be someone he is not. The thing here is, there is a big difference between getting there, got there and not getting there at all. I do admire anyone for who they are and I do admire anyone for trying their hardest to get somewhere. However, when it comes to faking one self as if they got there, it would disgust me to my core.

The issue was not big but little things did build up until the point that I just had to let go. I fell out of love and the man I once loved was not there anymore. By faking himself as if he got there, I meant to say how effected my ex was by things around him until the point that he would fake to belong. This made him lack his favorite and his taste. He would like or want something just because it’s trendy or because people talk about it. What he likes, what he has in his mind or what he actually is, I will never know.

mar15

So, when I said little things bug me, I will give you an example of the littlest thing he would do that would really tick me off. He would post pictures on his instagram of things around him that looks good. Ok, when I put pictures on instagram or if anyone was to post pics on instagram, it would have to be spontaneous and it would have to be something that comes into the head. Yes, some of us actually plan things and try to make things look good but those come from our spontaneous thoughts in our head. My ex would actually take some good pics but then he would come up with really cheesy captions that sounds like a caption of a marketing campaign. For example, he would post a picture of a sunset and he would start writing things like “some are just passing by but some are actually stopping by and enjoyin this awesome and a bit shy sunset”. Ok, first of all, English is not his strongest language and I can let that pass but the thing that bugs me from this is how it sounds like a caption of a life insurance commercial.

Maybe I’ve totally fell out of love, flat down on my face. I mean him no harm and he does have a good heart but things like that instagram post makes me cringe.

mar15.2Today, on Tinder, I met my match. It was a guy from Bali who just reached here. I’m definitely not racist and I do not have any preference with the ethnicity of men. He looks pretty hot from his picture. After a short intro at each other, I asked him how his day was and to this, he answered “Beautiful day”. I cringed!

It’s not the language. It’s not about where he was from. It’s not about judging that person. But I have to admit. The next person that I fall in love with would have to internally connect with me. Yes, you can say I do have high standards and maybe I am quite picky. And, I am not saying this guy is going to be my next boyfriend or anything but I guess it’s the scar of my ex’s past cringe-worthy habits that things like these make me cringe and they pretty much turn me off.

As someone who gets turned on by intellect, persona and personality, things like this kinda just make me lose interest. There is nothing wrong with saying ‘beautiful day’. Please don’t get me wrong. It’s just that when he said that, it reminds me of this retired 62 year old man sitting on a bench looking into a view from the top of a hill. It’s either that or it reminds me of my ex’s Instagram captions.

I have added the Bali guy from Tinder on my Whatsapp but I have yet to find out what will come out of this.