I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I was glad I went to the wedding last night. First of all, it was great to see my uni buddy progress to another phase in his life and his wife is a lovely girl. It was also good to see some of my uni friends there as well. I guess it’s best to have a balance of types of people that surrounds me. It was an intimate 17 people wedding dinner. It might sound a bit weird but it was what was needed. Few close friends who could just catch up and talk to each other about almost anything.

Of all the conversations I had, this one conversation with this guy, who is a good friend of the bridegroom, really blew my mind. We were talking about cheating in general, when he mentioned about what happened to him during high school. So, he was dating a girl and one day, he went to a play with another girl. They held hands for twenty minutes and the next day, he had to break up with his girlfriend because he felt guilty.

First of all, this shows a lot about this guy. I have this sudden respect for him since he did what he felt like he needed to do. Yes, it might seem selfish to decide to break up but then, he’s honest enough to not leave his girlfriend hanging on whilst he had a moment with this other girl, the girl he held hands with for twenty minutes. Well, the fact that he was honest is not the point of this blog entry here but the fact that he felt guilty after he just held the hands of this other girl.

He has a good point there. As much as we all get jealous with our significant others over sex with others and as much as I think I wouldn’t mind my partner holding hands with another guy, come to think of it, I do think it’s worse to hold hands with another guy than having sex with another guy.

Sex, despite the intimacy, can be a usage. It can be of a casual recreational activity between two adults, who can agree to not let anything other than physical attractions get into each other’s hand. If you play the cards right, if you have nothing to do with that person other than sex, it’s quite acceptable. I do not encourage it but it’s forgivable. Sex with friends is not cool though since you are already emotionally attached with that person.

On the other hand, the act of holding hand is made up of so much elements. It’s a thing you would do after you have broken ample layers of ice between each other. It’s a thing you get out of comfort. It’s a thing you get when you have found your way out of the awkward stage with someone you barely know, or even someone you know. It’s an act of comfort and that comfort level is much more stronger than sex.

It completely blew my mind actually. I have never thought about it that way. Having sex is easy with anyone, when compared to holding hands intimately with someone. While it seems like a trophy thing to get to bone others, I dare say it would be much more difficult to find that confidence to hold someone’s hand for twenty minutes. Once you get that confidence, there’s a thin line, over which you can cross to consider yourselves as something ‘more than friends’.

So yeah, after this conversation I had with this friend of mine, I would hope my partner or fiance-to-be will not ending holding the hand of someone else for more than twenty minutes. What do you think?

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Dream from last night : I was peeing into this toilet that looks like there’s a washing machine connected to it from the top. Instead of aiming my pee at the bowl, I aimed it higher and my pee got into these clothes inside the washing machine above it. I don’t know why but I had the feeling (in my dream) that these were the clothes of my grandparents. I felt guilty as I peed into them and I had no idea why I did what I did. Also, I was in a house which I had no idea whose of and the toilet was so small I could just fit in standing up to pee.

Dirty February

feb1In comes the month of love. The month where flower shop owners get super excited and chocolate factories start revealing their thematic packaging, paved with pink or red color. It’s the month where boyfriends get busy with what gifts to buy for their girlfriends, and girlfriends start to wish or hope their boyfriends would at least send them flowers. It’s the month where couples start looking out for great places to wine and dine. It’s just that time of year expectations snowball into this huge load of stress for those who are crazily in love.

As for me, being single and pretty much not actively dating anyone at the moment, I ended up just trying to figure out who to have sex with this weekend. Do not get me wrong. I am not always this horny but since I have thought up of a great way to do things I enjoy whilst saving money, I have somewhat dug myself into this hole of lust. Funnily enough, just as I have got myself into this hole, it seems a bit harder to find lust these days. It’s like the price of gold in Myanmar. When you most want to re-sell your gold jewelry for profit, the lesser gold is worth and once you have sold it, the price would go up, only leaving you wishing you could’ve waited a little bit more.

With that in mind, although I have been actively searching for a bow-chik-a-wow-wow time, I try not to rush in. My aim is to look for potential regular buddies. If it’s just for a one time, he would have to be super good. The truth is it’s not that difficult to get laid in our gay world but it’s quite difficult to keep in touch or to plan things out. My gay dating app inboxes are swamped with men of different races, sizes and sexual positions they prefer. And I am not one of those sexy ass guys who get laid easily but it’s just the way it is. You put yourself out there and you get it. However, after all’s been talked out, it takes them so long to book an appointment for a sex drive. Here I am, ready with my engine, but it’s been taking these people forever to come let me ride them.

The month of February started with an offer. Yes, I do have offers from these gentlemen off the dating apps, which, as I have described above, are pretty much more talk than action. However, there was one offer today that was quite promising. But it comes from an ex. It’s not just an ordinary ex but it’s an online ex boyfriend. Here I am, feeling all stupid for having kept an online boyfriend, and there he was, still labeling me as his ex, as we talked today.

So, he was this guy I sort of put myself in a relationship with, when I was in Myanmar. He is in Australia of course, back then as well. We got ourselves into this mess of a relationship that was not there. I do not know what type of a guy he is but upon asking my friend to give him flowers on Valentine’s Day, I remember her describing him as someone nervous with shaking hands, probably from alcoholism. To make things a bit more worrying, he has a history of being kept in rehabs. All of these are happening of course, while we were both in an online Facebook relationship.

We lasted for a few good months, until he went to Indonesia and cheated on me with this Indonesian boy. Who was I kidding? A guy who I have not met and committed myself to via an online commute. Can I even call it cheating? Whenever I talk about him, I would always cringe. He was that boyfriend that never happened. However, when I came back here, we did meet for coffee and by then, he was with a boyfriend, to which he just wedded (yes, legally wedded in New Zealand, I believe) last year. I was invited to their wedding, which I did not go to, since I have no idea who’s who.

OnlineExBoyfriend contacted me today and asked me to meet up with him over the weekend. Thinking it was a normal meet-up, I was not that fuzzed about it. Then he mentioned something about wearing as little as possible. Well, ok. Maybe we might head to the beach? Then, it got weird when he actually wanted me to wear less, only so that he won’t have to strip a lot when we meet. Ok! First of all, isn’t he married?

At first I thought he was joking. A part of me thought he could’ve been sedated with some medication while he might have been back in rehab or something. However, he did sound convincing and I have to admit there were some points in our conversations that turned me on. He said “It would be great to have sex with an ex. That idea is hot” I have to admit, the idea IS hot. If I have to be fair, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend was harmless. I do not know him, as much as his husband. For all I know, I would just be another victim a guy cheated on his partner on. Yes, it sucks but it’s not really my fault to go around checking if they have partners or not.

However, even though it was an online thing, both he and I had been connected before and I have nothing but respect for him. Even if it’s not for him, I do believe his husband deserves some piece of respect from me. When I get married to a man, the last thing I would want is his ex coming back for a piece of his meat. Like I said, it’s not up to me to decide what’s right or wrong, but karma is a bitch and I would not want me to bite me in the ass in the future when I have my partner.

Cheating is not good but it’s been done. But I do believe that most people should avoid having sex with people who are already in a relationship, unless they lie about it or they say they are in an open relationship. If they had lied about it, what can you do? If they are in an open relationship, it’s all ‘go’ zone. But yeah, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend, no matter how hot it sounds, I am not going for it at all.

There goes the beginning of this month, the month we all worship ‘love’ a wee bit more than we would normally in the other eleven months of the year. Stained with this offer from an ex online boyfriend, who’s happily married. Gay life never ceases to amuse me, I guess.