I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I was glad I went to the wedding last night. First of all, it was great to see my uni buddy progress to another phase in his life and his wife is a lovely girl. It was also good to see some of my uni friends there as well. I guess it’s best to have a balance of types of people that surrounds me. It was an intimate 17 people wedding dinner. It might sound a bit weird but it was what was needed. Few close friends who could just catch up and talk to each other about almost anything.

Of all the conversations I had, this one conversation with this guy, who is a good friend of the bridegroom, really blew my mind. We were talking about cheating in general, when he mentioned about what happened to him during high school. So, he was dating a girl and one day, he went to a play with another girl. They held hands for twenty minutes and the next day, he had to break up with his girlfriend because he felt guilty.

First of all, this shows a lot about this guy. I have this sudden respect for him since he did what he felt like he needed to do. Yes, it might seem selfish to decide to break up but then, he’s honest enough to not leave his girlfriend hanging on whilst he had a moment with this other girl, the girl he held hands with for twenty minutes. Well, the fact that he was honest is not the point of this blog entry here but the fact that he felt guilty after he just held the hands of this other girl.

He has a good point there. As much as we all get jealous with our significant others over sex with others and as much as I think I wouldn’t mind my partner holding hands with another guy, come to think of it, I do think it’s worse to hold hands with another guy than having sex with another guy.

Sex, despite the intimacy, can be a usage. It can be of a casual recreational activity between two adults, who can agree to not let anything other than physical attractions get into each other’s hand. If you play the cards right, if you have nothing to do with that person other than sex, it’s quite acceptable. I do not encourage it but it’s forgivable. Sex with friends is not cool though since you are already emotionally attached with that person.

On the other hand, the act of holding hand is made up of so much elements. It’s a thing you would do after you have broken ample layers of ice between each other. It’s a thing you get out of comfort. It’s a thing you get when you have found your way out of the awkward stage with someone you barely know, or even someone you know. It’s an act of comfort and that comfort level is much more stronger than sex.

It completely blew my mind actually. I have never thought about it that way. Having sex is easy with anyone, when compared to holding hands intimately with someone. While it seems like a trophy thing to get to bone others, I dare say it would be much more difficult to find that confidence to hold someone’s hand for twenty minutes. Once you get that confidence, there’s a thin line, over which you can cross to consider yourselves as something ‘more than friends’.

So yeah, after this conversation I had with this friend of mine, I would hope my partner or fiance-to-be will not ending holding the hand of someone else for more than twenty minutes. What do you think?

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Dream from last night : I was peeing into this toilet that looks like there’s a washing machine connected to it from the top. Instead of aiming my pee at the bowl, I aimed it higher and my pee got into these clothes inside the washing machine above it. I don’t know why but I had the feeling (in my dream) that these were the clothes of my grandparents. I felt guilty as I peed into them and I had no idea why I did what I did. Also, I was in a house which I had no idea whose of and the toilet was so small I could just fit in standing up to pee.

The Fall of The Chameleon

dec17I was never an extreme tattoo fan but I do cherish having something permanently inked on my body, that would represent something in my life or something about me. One of my friends’ dad, who had 7000 tattoos on his body, used to say “our body is a museum and tattoos are the art we want to have on it that would represent milestones”, to which I admirably agree. So, I have always thought of having a tattoo of a chameleon on my body.

Why?? It all started around my mid-20’s when someone said to me I remind her of a chameleon. I asked her why and she said it’s because you are so good at adapting to situations and changes. You are so good at being normal and adjusting yourself to things around. Well, that was what she said. Not to sound arrogant but she does have a point. If I were an X-men, that would have been my super power.

At the age of 36, as I am now, I am beginning to lose that special power. One thing is to accept that as we grow older, we are unable to control the strength of the abilities we have. Muscles get weaker. Cells function slower. I do accept that. But this special power I used to have, the fall of this, has somewhat affected my emotions. And I would like to share with this blog entry that I am acknowledging it, whilst trying to not let it affect me. So, if by any chance you are in the same battlefield as I am in now, it’s good to know you are there and I hope my blog could somehow be of any good use to you.

Now that I am monogamously settled with a partner, the man I truly love, my life has been pretty much been hanging around him. In true words of Fleetwood Mac’s lyrics, “Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’, Cause I’ve built my life around you”, I have somewhat been his chihuahua. It’s not really because I’m clingy or I’m forcing myself to be like this but it’s more so because I love being around his friends as well. So, it was never a struggle for me to be with him.

However, we both have our limits as we have not really moved into a place together. We both have flatmates we respect. The last thing I would like to piss my flatmate off is by having my partner with me at all times at my place. Both my partner and I love sleeping on the living room couch watching TV. And we both know it’s not that good to always OWN that space and not share it with our flatmates. So, we always adjust how and when we will be meeting and where we will be meeting during the weekends. I guess I’m lucky but my partner’s flatmate usually travels a lot. So, at times, I could do week days at my partner’s place too.

Now, this adjustment comes with changes. Changes of scenes. Changes of environment. Changes of emotions. I do believe they have a word for this but I have this ‘after party’ syndrome, where, when everything shuts down, I get myself into this spiraling turmoil of mixed feelings, and sadly most of them is quite negative. I started feeling lonelier, lost or just numb to things around me. I tried so many ways to distract myself from it but it was never successful. On a brighter note, it would only last a day upmost until I feel ok again.

I was out with my partner and one of our best friends today, when the best friend said “Hey, you have been docile this morning”. I didn’t know what that word meant but then he explained that it’s synonymous to ‘calm’. Yeah, I was just quiet since I was not really ready to leave my weekend with my partner. I have this wedding dinner I have to attend out of obligations. Don’t get me wrong. I love the bridegroom and he’s one of my closest uni friends and I HAVE to be with him and his wife on this very day. However, it would just mean I would have to stop the weekend with my partner.

In my opinion, this thing, or sickness, or weakness (call it what you like), to me, has derived from my childhood. I was always on a change. Things were always changing around me until the point I was not even aware of how to feel. Maybe that was how I got myself to adapt to it. Change of schools. Change of friends. Change of addresses. Change of people. My grandparents would always have guests over my house as well and when they leave, it would affect me. These things have snowballed into this huge thing as I age.

You might think I’m being too clingy to my partner but it is not that. This happens with other things too. For example, I had the best time at work on Friday. We had a blast where I happened to be able to do something to make others smile. I was recognized, high-fived, cheered for and pretty much praised. Funny thing was I did not know how to react. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about attention seeking but knowing this would all end after that day, I was in constant fear of having to see the end of it. So, I forced myself not to get too deep into it. I would not want to drown in the whole euphoria of that moment, that would pass.

Normally, I would spend my entire weekend with my partner but today, as I would have to come back home to prepare for that wedding, I had to leave my best friend and my partner at Bondi, while I came back home wishing I was with them instead and just using what’s left of my time with my partner for this weekend. Knowing I would go nowhere feeling this way, I decided to blog again as it’s quite surprisingly therapeutic to write things down.

I used to dislike having doctors dig up with conditions that are named after several reactions or things we all do in our lives. In this modern age, it feels like every little thing we do is being analyzed. You look at kids in the playground, and some call it ‘early stage of pedophilia’ or some call it ‘loneliness’. I mean, in the end, you might just be tired and just happen to stop turning your views on things at a playground. BUT NO! There’s always an analysis to things.

To make things a bit more complicated, I come from a culture where we are not educated on things. Even the word ‘depression’ sounds like something we just make up. To most people in a developed environment, it’s a study. It’s a condition that can be cured. It’s a thing we all have to look into. To us, it’s just a phase we have to just ignore and keep on living. It’s also a bit unhelpful when Buddhism practiced in Myanmar capitalizes ‘fate’ and ‘reincarnation’, we usually chuck these mishaps on the bad things we had done in the past.

After thinking about it on the train ride today, I think it’s important to be analyzed. We can simply NOT ignore these symptoms of ourselves. We go to doctors or we researched on the internet as we would normally do. I have not found what my condition is but I do believe it exists! It’s not as bad as being bipolar and not as serious as depression. But I thought to myself I have to accept it.

So, I have not found a cure to this and I don’t want to be able to. I’m not a doctor. But I am someone who wants to make sure I’m living things right. And according to the meaning of ‘right’, I mean being happy. Some of my friends, who have undergone depression, were able to cure themselves. But some dangerously are in the umbrella of this impression that repeating ‘positivity’ in their lives forcefully has cured them. I am aware of those who screams ‘I AM SO POSITIVE’ or ‘THE SKY IS BLUE’, whilst struggling so hard to adjust themselves to the way they are supposed to think and the way they are actually reacting towards it. To me, that’s not being cured. That would even force them to become worse.

So, this is what I had done today and if it’s of any help to you, so be it. It’s quite simple. I thought I have failed to adjust to changes around me as this almighty chameleon and I might have. But somehow, I think adjusting comes with acceptance. I mean, in the end, life goes on. I will see my partner again next week. I will have euphoric times like the one on Friday at other events. It’s only fair that there’s some intervals in between. I just have to accept that this is part of the whole package and I just have to go with the flow and change my colors again accordingly.

With that thought, it does feel good to be back to blogging. And once again, I wanna thank everyone who reads my blog and I hope, in one way or another, I could inject at least some good things towards your life.

Molly & Me

I know this might not come across as something I should be sharing with everyone of you readers as if it’s a good thing but it’s just something to put into record. I’m not that much of a risker but that has not stopped me from having that ‘I would try everything once’ attitude. Apart from stupid things like phone game apps or toy collection, I am not that much of an addictive person.

Having my trusted friend with me on a Friday night tonight, I decided to pop some pills with him. I have never done any pills before in my life. Well, I’ve done the one where my friend melt over a spoon to smoke it with a bong which does not allow me to sleep; like I’ve said, it didn’t get me addicted either. Did it once and that was it. So, getting back to today, I just wanna find out what it’s like to feel like these other pill poppers in clubs. It seems like there is this trend for this new culture of people who likes to enjoy bopping their heads in EDM festivals with some chemicals inside of them.

Without checking what it was, I just trusted my friend while he and I both popped a pill each before we entered the gay club, Arq. Another thing about me and drugs/pills is how it does not really affect me much, apart from LSD, although I have to admit I was still myself even on that. So, when I did weed with my buddies in Myanmar, they would be laughing their asses off. I would be laughing at some point but the most non-common thing that I had ever done on weed was converse non-step about how science is proportional to religion and stuffs like that.

It was a great night actually but the effect was not that noticeable. I did notice I was dancing so much. Kept dancing and dancing. I was friendlier to people. I had more confidence in approaching people but this was not really unlike me since I am a social person. But it was more like I did not give a fuck about what others think. I was dancing with others and for some reason, the other people seems so friendly and the music was just so good. I had no idea what they were playing but it felt good and I was just so on top there. I kept drinking and drinking with my friend and it felt like one of those ‘hot shot’ nights where everything just seemed so right.

But to be honest, I was aware of everything. It was not like I was drunk. I enjoyed every minute of it. I remembered most of it although I was pretty curious if there were any time that I was not myself and I had slipped to somewhere else without knowing. My friend told me I seemed just happy and fine. It was a good night and that’s all I remembered. If I had to pinpoint the bad thing about this was the fact that I chewed my inner cheeks a lot. I asked my friend what the game was and it was Molly!

Like I’ve said, I’m positively sure I will not get addicted and I would not stop anyone from doing it if only they would promise that this will not be a habit. It’s a risk to be honest. So, take it only if you can win over your mind like me. For me, it’s a tick off my bucket list and it’s nothing more. I might do it again but not on a regular basis or not enough to waste my life away.

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Kinky Heels

I am not so sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing but when I really like someone, I tend to be tune myself into anything they want me to do, sort of unsure about whether I like it or not. I once was asked if there was an animal that I resemble and it took me a while to realize that I would so be a chameleon if I was an animal. Why? Because I easily blend into the surrounding whenever I’m comfortable.

As weird and as unique as fetishes go, Mr747 has a fetish and his was kinda so unique. He’s into wearing heels and by ‘heels’, I mean girls high heels. He owns a pair and he told me how he would wear this at times when he was cleaning his room. And he also once mentioned tonight how he once wore this while having sex and the dude who was doing him was so turned on. I guess it’s the fact that I really like him that kinda shadow the fact that this was something I was too new to.

Once again, Mr747 and I met again and he invited me over to his place to watch Star Trek with him. Funnily enough, after a bit, he started wearing his fishnet underwear and showed me. He also added “I do not know why I am showing you this”. There was nothing wrong with the fish net underwear actually but then, he started wearing his lady’s high heels and the next thing I know, he was completely boning me with his heels on.

apr6It turned him on because he felt so comfortable with me being so cool with this. To be honest, I am not so sure if I am cool with this or as I have mentioned, I am just so in ‘like’ with him and it blinded me from the fact that I should be a bit weirded out by this. All in all, it was good sex and come to think of it, things have been escalating fast. He held my hands last night as we walked home and today, he had sex with me again.

 

Different Ball Game

It was a different ball game today with Mr747. As usual, we decided to meet for dinner after work and as usual, I was looking forward to this. It seems like we both cannot get enough of each other and it was just so nice to have someone so compatible. We went and had dinner at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant.

As usual, we decided to walk around a bit after our dinner. We walked through this University of Western Sydney and checked out some stuffs they put up on the wall. It was some woodwork decor which he was going on and on about it, to which I thought was adorable. Then, we both decided to sit down at the staircase of some office building, which was parallel to the train tracks. In front of us, we could see the trains whooshing past. Then, something happened. We held each other’s hands.

“I feel so comfortable with you. I like this feeling of being able to hold your hand” What can I say to this? I like it too. We both had one of those quiet moments as we held each others’ hands and watched the train passed by us at full speed. Then, he decided to walk me home. When we said goodbye, I could see that he was being a bit hesitant to leave. To this, I said “Here we go. I know you want to.” And I opened up my hands in a welcoming position for a hug, to which he hugged me tight. Then, we kissed a bit. And, as usual, he said “I should not do this”. I moved away. Then, at the point where it was both our cue to say goodbye and walk away, he was just standing there again. To this, I joked “I can read your mind that you still want to give me another hug”. I was not sure but he gave in and gave me another tight hugs.

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As he ran off into the darkness to his way home, I went back up feeling all happy about this completely turn of roles between us. I was not so sure to secure my feelings towards him but it does feel like we were progressing to becoming more than friends. So, I decided to give him this text.

Me: By the way, reality check. You can’t be scared of hurting others, mr. Cos it’s both ways. You can’t always blame yourself for that. To me, the real deal is not the result. It’s the journey. I’ll never force you but take my hand while it’s there.

Him: I know. But I value you too much already. So many have walked away. I want to be friends and then maybe develop that to more.

Me: You think I don’t value you? It aches that I can’t do what I please with you cos I’m worried I might go against your rule book. Though it’s cute it’s you who’s been breaking it.

Him : I know. And I always do that. I know you value me. But I overthink.

Me : So do I.

Him : Not on purpose.

Me : Same here. I have little tiny voices saying stuffs.

Him : Just me.

Me : I respect that.

Him : Being kind of guarded is me.

Me : I understand. Being scared to make a mistake to lose you forever is me. That’s me overthinking.

Him : We’re so the smae.

Like I said, it’s a completely different ball game!

Push Before The Shove

No matter how nerve-wrecking it seems, I have been waiting for today. It’s the day that I would get to meet Mr747‘s housemate and his housemate’s boyfriend. It’s not because I wanted to desperately meet them but it’s just nice that Mr747 seems to be comfortable with inviting me over to some event he normally shares with his friend. Yes, I cannot help myself. As much as I do not want to go around in circles imagining things in my head with this imaginary possibility that we can somehow be more than friends one day, life with Mr747 seems such a big deal in my life at this moment.

It’s plain to see that I like Mr747 but I do have to tell myself again and again that there are no obvious symptoms that would lead both of us to share something more than a friend. By that, I do not mean we would have to be boyfriends or partners right away. I was referring more to a date that can blossom between us. What happens afterwards depends but it’s always there, that thought in my head, that we are somehow more than just friends.

I reached to the bar where we were all meeting up for trivia first. Mr747 finally got there with this really young guy with him. For one second, I was a bit jealous and a bit intimidated. It was only after that one second that I remember he would be coming with his flatmate and his flatmate’s boyfriend. Please let this be one of them. Please let this be one of them. And hopefully not someone who is a plus one from his end. After the introduction, I was relieved to find out that it was his flatmate’s boyfriend. You can’t blame me there. For all I know, I thought his flatmate and his flatmate’s boyfriend would have come together at the same time.

Later, his flatmate joined us and we started our trivia. At first, Mr747 was going to sit near his flatmate’s boyfriend and I would face him I guess. But the flatmate’s boyfriend told him how he would prefer sitting with his boyfriend, which means both Mr747 and I would be sitting together. It was a bench and halfway through the trivia, I started to poke Mr747 from under the table. He kept saying ‘don’t do it’ in a joking way but then he would keep poking me back with his finger as well. Then we would just be skin to skin. It was a cheeky tease between the two of us. I really enjoyed it because it was just fun and kinda cute that he responded to me as well.

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The trivia went well I guess and I have to admit, his flatmate and his flatmate’s boyfriend weren’t that bad. They seem to be decent guys and it was yet another great night with Mr747.

Friend On The Fence

apr3It’s one thing to be at the other end of the fence and it takes me a while to realize how things can be different if you are making things up in your head. I read somewhere once that at times we do not really know what is really there since all of us have different perspectives towards the same thing. In the end, it does not really matter what is right or wrong, when things can be seen in so many different perspectives from different point of views.

There is this one guy at work. He’s actually really cute and I would not hesitate to have a go at him if only he plays in the same team as me, and of course if he is interested in me. I do not really think he plays on the same team as me but he seems super friendly and we always catch each other’s glances. Maybe it’s the way I stare but it’s not really such a surprise that I have had straight guys stare at me. I’m sure it’s not because I look awesome or if I have something stuck in my teeth. I think it’s probably because of the way I would subconsciously stare at them.

So, while taking my break in the kitchen at work, this dude at work just happened to come in. And he started talking. We introduced each other. This is something very wrong, yet right, about people in Australia. They are just so nice to each other you can hardly tell who’s straight or gay. Back in my country, it takes a lot of men to warm up to each other and it’s often gay men that would warm up faster. Even then, there would be some other gay men who would take forever to mingle.

Him being all friendly to me somewhat made me think that there is a small chance that he might be gay. We talked for a while and of course, loving attention, I found it quite fun and nice to be able to converse with him. This could be my new friend at work. New friend I might have a chance to sleep with since he was a cutie. And there, it caught me with a thought.

I am not so sure if this guy is gay but let’s just say he is, hypothetically. If he was gay, let’s just say he was actually flirting with me. Would I stop him? No. Would I continue the flirt and even throw some cheeky liners his way? Yes. Would I sleep with him? Yes. Do I like him enough to actually chase him for something more than friends? Not at all!

Then, it hit me there what if Mr747 could have been this way with me. We slept? Yes. We had sex? Yes. We enjoyed each other’s company? yes. We flirt? Yes. But, regardless, this does not always necessarily mean that he is into me for something more than a friend, doesn’t it? It’s not like I am hoping Mr747 will be into me but I cannot hide the fact that I really like him and I would like to get to know him more than just being his friend. In fact, it would be good if we could own each other one day.

So, reality bites! As much as I can daydream about how each and everything that happens between me and Mr747 sparks some potentials between us, it’s not so certain unless I can get myself into his head to figure out how he is looking at things around him. Don’t get me wrong. For all I know, the dude at work might not even be gay and even if he was, I will never be sure if he is into me. And for all I know, I do not even know if I might end up liking Mr747 as someone more than just friends. So, there is no assumption here but it’s funny how our perspectives, when unmatched, can be amazingly suitable for both point of views, yet so different!