Wendy’s Secret Garden

There were signs leading to this very day but I was not aware of it. From what I had known as a pragmatic grown up man, who’s also the love of my life, it was just so incredible to see the other side of him and what he did today, for me, has been a part of something that he not only outdid himself but he has outdone me.

In my relationship, I’m the mushy lovey dovey person and my partner is more of a real deal no bullshit skeptical person. He still shows his affection but he does it in small dosages or at random times, which I’ve grown accustomed to.

As I have mentioned, I have seen little things that led up to today. We went for a ring fitting and I knew he was going to propose. He has uploaded pics of our rings on Facebook tagging me. He has been asking me about my favorite place. He kept talking about going for a picnic on Christmas day. He has borrowed a picnic basket from one of his friends. He kept saying it’s a surprise. Our talk last night ended with him saying “I just want to make sure you’re in for the whole run”, by which he meant our relationship.

Finally, the day came and although it was a great plan to have a picnic on Christmas day, I was a bit nervous. It was because we both are the types that like to stay in or just stay around the comfort of our close friends. Anything that would bug us would ruin the mood and the last thing that I would want to happen today is to come back tired after a tiring day, picnicking.

It was a beautiful place, to which I had never been to. We took the ferry there and we saw the beauty of Sydney that has kept both of us to want to live here forever. It was called Wendy’s secret garden. As both he and I unpacked our picnic basket and poured each other glasses of champagne, he explained the story of this magical place.

So, we found the best spot to sit in front of an old oak tree. As tourists passed, it was fun to watch out for anyone that can take pics with us. It was so romantic and I could feel so grateful at this point. I must’ve done something good to this man, which made him want to do this for me. There was a huge house behind us, which belongs to Wendy Whiteley and her husband. Married to one of the most well-respected artist in Australia, Brett Whiteley, they have been able to own a large house with a large land in front of them. As a hobby or such, she has renovated and maintained this plot of land into this beautiful garden. It was not one of those gardens that boast different types of colorful flowers but it felt like this little enchanted forest in a fairy tale book.

As he was unpacking the basket, he said he’s got a little something for me. It was a little card. Now, I’m known as the sucker of this relationship who gives cards every month (I did miss one month haha) and on a Christmas day, this card from him was the best. I mean, the ferry ride and this picnic have already made me feel so grateful to have a man like him in my life and the card just made it all better until I got a bit sobbed up inside. While I was reading this card, he took out the ring and the card did say “I hope you say YES”

I burst into tears. I cried. I couldn’t care who was around us. I just cried like a little baby. He has a bad handwriting and he has managed to write a long paragraph in this card. He hates crowds and going out unnecessarily. He also hates planning but he took me out here to this magical place with this huge picnic basket. I knew this day was coming but I did not have my mindset ready for it to be today. I cried and cried and I hugged him tight.

“Thank you so much”

In all honesty, I was a bit worried about the whole proposal. He did go cold feet once when he verbally said he would propose to me on a certain day, which did not end up the way he had promised. I mean, it’s not about being proposed that matters for me and it was never about the ring but being told and not doing it on that day, it had somehow scarred me to worry a bit about us. He had soothed me down but I did tell him that constant fear will always be there.

After I found out he bought the rings from his Facebook post last few weeks ago, I was a bit happy but also hesitant on why he had not yet given me the rings. Was he going to refund them? We he uncertain again? Was this going to be like before where he would go cold feet? It has always been a war of nerves in my head.

I also found out later that he was nervous today for if I would’ve said no. It’s funny how things work. Two people in love within a short period of time. Two people ready to settle down. However, both uncertain because both care about each other so much that both does not want anything to ruin it.

Fransi has totally won me over again. Not like he needed to anyways but this day, on so many levels, will never be forgotten and I cannot think of anyways this day would, in anyways, be replaced by any other better days. Maybe our wedding? But yeah, words cannot describe how euphorically happy and feel so grateful for this man in my life.

While smoking on our balcony, I told him “So, today is the first day of the rest of our lives”

Open Sex-a-me

Being super old-fashioned, I was never a fan of open relationships and ‘being cheated on’ will be one of the big things that would make me think less of a partner. Yes, call me selfish or a jealous type but, to me, why even bother trying to find that ‘one’ in your life when you want to mingle intimately with others?

The best thing about being with Fransi is how we can talk openly about each other. We were just having a breezy evening at his balcony, smoking on our ciggies, when we have reached that topic of ‘open relationships’. He asked “Why do you think people go for open relationships?” It does seem like a test question or that moment where I would have had to make sure I have the perfect answer since whatever I answered, be it correct or not, would state a mark on our relationship.

However, Fransi doesn’t play games and I’ve always been honest with Fransi. I did hesitate a bit before answering since I do want to ask myself “Why do people go for open relationships”

dec24I do not mean to offend anyone and I do respect anyone who practices this on their own circumstances. I have also seen happy couples who does open relationships. So, whatever I am going to say below, is NOT the right answer. It’s not even my view to be honest but it’s just how I feel and what I practice.

If there is a pattern between those couples who does open relationships, there is this pattern of re-considering why they are together in the first place. I mean, some of us are infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship. Some of us find it a necessity to be in a relationship or have someone near them before they die. Call me crazy but I do not have that ideology of having to be in a relationship.

I do admit it used to be a fantasy of mine to want to be in a relationship. Being raised in a family and culture where we all feel the necessity to find love or get married and have kids, I have always been a huge fan of being with someone or ending up with someone. Slowly it faded. It first started from the cynical side, edged by a bit of bitterness. The chances of me being able to find that someone who can easily be in a relationship had thinned and I was just at the point of giving up.

Then, this bitterness turned out to be an embrace. I told myself that I would rather want to find that someone I want to spend my whole time with, without stress or drama. I had been doing really well on my own and I have always been able to be around good people and the last thing I need is to be with someone who I cannot lead a happy life with. So, that idea of being in a relationship has faded, but it was not being bitter but it was out of good will and good intention of being able to make it or not at all.

Before I met Fransi, I was doing well. Fransi was doing well as well. We both DID NOT need each other. But slowly, we both felt like we wanted each other. And that, to me, is the trigger of a healthy relationship. Now that we have each other, what is the point of having to be with someone else for sex? And of course before I gave myself up to this man I love, having good sexual contact was one of the factors of whether we could be together or not.

Another reason that I can think of is ‘ego’. Some of the friends I know have lost their mojo with their loved ones. They linger on together because they are afraid to be alone and the whole ‘getting older’ crisis gets in the way. With Fransi and I, we feed on each other support and compliments. He finds me as someone he has wanted his whole life and I feel the same.

With that, I told Fransi how that was my idea of ‘open relationship’. I don’t feel the need to because I have what I want and need with him. Good sex. Good person. And then I find it impossible to have to find someone to make me feel good about myself. And I am a lucky man because he agrees. Things can be so simple like that sometimes if we only take some time to analyze how these things commenced in the very beginning. Just sit down and ask yourself, I guess.

Past Irrelevancy Summoned

Some people never grow up. Yes, there is always a tiny version of our mindsets in our systems for most of us but we do strive on in life with as much maturity as we possibly can. Maybe it’s the best tool we can think of to equip ourselves with in life. Maybe it’s important for some of us to appreciate maturity and embrace it. Maybe it’s just essential for us. Regardless, we all age with grace most of the time.

However, it’s pretty sad that some of us just loves to dwell on the past and linger. What started from a comment from one of my high school friends on one of my high school friends’ picture on Facebook accumulated to this ball of our high school past we are not proud of. It was not called for and it was triggered by the one of us who hasn’t grown up and we have no reasons to feel bad about it. But, being responsible adults, it was an ultimate buzzkill of the evening.

It was a post, posted by my Highschoolfriend2. It was a Starbucks coffee cup with the name “Ben Dover” on it. I laughed at his post and loved it since I am one of those people as well who gives weird names at Starbucks. My last one was Ted Mosby and that made the coffee maker of Starbucks to get off his register to come shake my hand. We truly were fans of “How I Met Your Mother”. But yeah, sticking to this post now.

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So, Highschoolfriend1 made some comments on it, which was not really that bad and it was funny. And I JUST had to yap underneath, making fun of how he tends to outgay me everytime. That stunt was a BIG MISTAKE. A bit of a history first here.

Highschoolfriend1, just like the rest of us, has always been doing things. Uncertain about future, like the rest of us, and always sensitive about his life, like the rest of us, we always try to be there for him. Maybe I am wrong but whenever I try to pep talk the shit out of him, he always seems to come back with a backlash. Like I said, we all go through phases in life we had to struggle. I’ve done my fair share but that doesn’t really mean I have accomplished. I still have lots to do and lots more to want to accomplish. Whenever I try to cope him down with minor pep talks, he would say things like “well you are lucky. You were born in a rich family” or like “Well, now that you’re an MC, you don’t have to care about life” Umm.. excuse me! No matter what or where I am in life, we all have issues. It’s a bummer when you try to be nice to someone but then they kinda swerve the whole intentions to a “How will you understand when you have reached some point in your life” passive aggressive treatment.

Highschoolfriend2 is a successful businessman in Myanmar with a beautiful wife, who’s a popular actress and Highschoolfriend3 is doing well in the States. These two gents seem to have a firm grip of life by the balls but that has never stopped me from being inspired or being proud of them. And that has never made me wanna look down on those that hasn’t quite make it in life too, including myself.

So, my ‘outgay’ comment has made Highschoolfriend1 to bring Highschoolfriend3 into our thread of comments for no relevant reasons. And, predictably, Highschoolfriend1 went on with the jokes we shared in school, some being quite offensive. We used to make fun of Highschoolfriend3’s dad baldness. And me coming out has somewhat been a target for punny punchlines (according to Highschoolfriend1). The truth is, we are over it and we’ve moved on.

I do admit I should not have commented that way. But, as a grown up man, I thought Highschoolfriend1 could take it and laugh at it. But no, he brought back all the insults and memories of the past. The ugly part of this is how they were not light things to say. When we were young, we would find ways to win each other in conversations or a verbal conflict without being ethical. The 36 years old me would NEVER make fun of people balding, especially of that of one of our friends’ dad.

The whole thread escalated to Highschoolfriend1 insisting we did gay mass orgy during sleepovers, which is a complete cheap shot. Of course, naturally, Highschoolfriend2, Highschoolfriend3 and I have shot back with the word “irrelevance”, since it SURE IS irrelevant on these things he brought up in the thread.

The last comment of this thread is a “Fuck you all” by Highschoolfriend1, which is sad and it’s quite a shame. In this game of humor, it’s either you start and finish with a win or you move on, appreciating the roast. If you want to roast me, you gotta out-roast me til the point that I would applaud with the appreciation of your humor, no matter how much of an insult you would have caused towards me. But JUST BE CLEVER and RELEVANT!

Like I said, it’s sad and it sorta ruined the mood! Good on you, Highschoolfriend1!

Dream from last night : Coming from someone like me who believes that dreams are actually things happening in an alternate universe, it sometimes scares me when things are relatably too real, especially Dream 2.
Dream 1: There was a demolition done to a building right beside my family’s suburb, Thuwana, in Myanmar. I hugged my grandmother and made sure my mom was ok since the whole demolition of that building felt like a 10 minutes earthquake of a huge Richter scale.
Dream 2: My current partner looked me in the eye and nervously said “If it’s ok to fuck another man for the last time” before we commit to ourselves. Before I could give an answer, I woke up.

4 Minutes Past 5

dec21As much as I do not really see this current job I’m in as something that is sustainable sufficient for my future, I do love my job. My bosses are great. I’m one of their golden children. My colleagues are awesome. Office politics is more of a family than the possible group of passive aggressive bitchism. But then, the job can get a bit weird at times.

Being a customer service agent, my schedule is tight. By tight, I have to be very pedantic about punctuality and break times. Constantly answering phone calls, our time in our cubicle is always recorded and it affects our performance on a monthly basis. I would always have this in mind as salesmen have KPIs in their head.

For some weird reason, my finish time is 6 past five. Yes, you read it right. Six minutes past five pm is my logout time. Once my boss explained to me on this six minutes but I do not really remember or get what she meant by it. Obviously, by the time the clock strikes 5 pm, I would be super ready to think about leaving work. As much as I am committed to what I do at work, I do like the idea of going home to binge-Netflixing. But,as luck has it, I’m quite known for getting calls one or two minutes before I’m supposed to leave.

Four minutes past five, I received a phone call today. It was from an angry customer. Angry and spoilt, if you ask me. She was expecting her delivery since the 19th but it has not got to her yet. Yes, I do understand  how frustrating it can be to not be able to get something you are expecting at a required time. But the mentality of most of our customers is that they are smart enough to care to call us once they could see that their deliveries have not reached them. For the case of this customer, the norm of what most of our customers would do is calling us by 21st the latest to let us know that they had not received their delivery. Well, this customer actually did call today.

Theoretically, if you’re a smart customer, you would know that we sometimes have other suppliers we use. And with suppliers, things that we can do with them are limited. The boxes of this customer might be at the depot of our partnering logistic company but that does not mean I can ask these people at their depot to push these boxes to be delivered right away. I mean, I do not have authorities and I do not have any power to make that happen. And, come on! Being a b-to-b company, although I do not expect my customer to be patient or good to us all the time, I would expect a bit of empathy. They are working in companies too and they all know how things work, especially in this first world country.

Australia, with its many abilities, as opposed to third world countries like mine, have a mentality that is based on procedure and an empathy that should not stress others out. The existence of such awesome abilities comes hand in hand with spoilt customers. In my country, there has been time when clients are overpromised and no one would even care about solving it. Customer service is poor and people don’t even feel the need to follow up. In Australia, in a country where you can refund a bought item within the 30 days of purchase, sometimes I wish I could remind these people of how fortunate they are.

But I do understand. With anything we are given, we are never content and we always keep wanting more. We give you a comfortable economy seat with what you can afford, you want a business class. We give you business class, you want a private jet. I get that.

So, it really sucks. It sucks more that I just happened to have three mugs of black coffee today and this has to happen two minutes before my home time. I tried to soothe this spoilt lady. Don’t get me wrong. I do understand her but I just wish she understands ‘reality’ more as opposed to crying out loud about what she wants like a baby in a diaper who just peed in her nappies. I will try hard for her for sure. She just has to shut up.

This drama shall continue tomorrow unfortunately. For all it’s worth, this too shall pass and it will be a five days holiday soon anyways.

Dream from last night : I noticed that the person you think was in your dream would change just after a 5 minutes nap. I woke up today and remembered this dream but I took a five minutes nap, only to realize after that I was not sure of who the person was in the dream. It’s not that I don’t remember. It’s just that I have no idea if it was person A or person B.
Dream 1: I was plotting of killing my friend, Aye Aung, for some reason. Finally I did manage to burn him alive but then, at this point, I remember that it was not him I burned alive. I burned P’Mod (my ex boss I love dearly) alive as if it was the plan I always had along.
Dream 2: Someone wrote a book or something. I was eating ice cream and cake. Suddenly I was talking with U Zaw Myint Oo. This dude was one of those work friends who used to work for a magazine and interviewed me during my hey days of being a celebrity back in Myanmar (fact!!)  For some reason I dreamt about him?
WEIRD SHIT: So, Soe San the guy from my dream two days ago, invited me to like his page on Facebook. This is weird because he and I are never kept in touch and after dreaming about him two nights before, he communicated me on Facebook. Maybe it was a group invite but it’s interesting how he just popped back into my life.

Let’s not kid ourselves

It was a bit of a really awesome reunion, when my uni friends and I decided to meet up for a pre-Xmas dinner. Even better, a uni-mate, who I haven’t met for almost 10 years, was back in Sydney from the States. Well, she used to be in Sydney but I haven’t met her since I came back to Sydney.

Meeting my uni friends means meeting the Brady couple. Ok, they are not that innocently goody two shoes but they are awesome people. Both the wife and the husband are our uni friends and they have an awesome two years old! I love this little toddler to bits and it’s always awesome to be able to see him and me, being a huge fan of good kids, I normally ended up spending more time with their kids than with them.

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I never thought I would end up saying the things I said tonight but as I thought about what I have said to my friends, I have come to realize how realistic I have become despite of what my fairy tale fantasy future look like. It started when my friends cornered me on the spot with the question “Will you have kids with Fransi?”. Oh yeah, Fransi is my partner’s name.

With that question thrown on the table, my answer was surprisingly “I don’t think so”. How is that possible? Often known as Uncle Heiny, the baby whisperer, baby magnets or pro bono babysitter, I even found myself quite startled to hear myself say that. Don’t get me wrong. I still love kids and it would be superb to have a loving husband in the future, with an adorable kids. How ideal! A lovely gay couple with an accepting kid, surrounded by the positive accepting environment this kid should ideally be brought up in. It’s easily said than done.

First, how mature is Fransi or me? We are both social addicts, with a happy lifestyle that feeds on attention from our friends and their existence. Never been one to say ‘no’ to catch-ups or pub crawls, we both compliment each other in such activities. The way we compliment each other is unlike the way the Brady couple compliment each other. The wife and husband usually take turns taking care of their little one. It would be the daddy’s turn to change the diaper. It would be mommy’s turn to drive him home. Fransi and I are good at coming to terms with agreement with each other but he doesn’t like being told what to do and I always rely on my mood status and do my own things most of the times.

Then, there’s this lifestyle. With every fortnights passed, barely saving money for ourselves and our future, both Fransi and I would be lucky if we could save some money for our house one day. Let alone house, we are even struggling to give time to save for our coming Burmese trip. Or maybe it’s just me who’s failing to save at the present, and he failing to save for the future.

Last but not least, I would want to surround my kid with positive vibes all around. And I do not want those fake positive vibes we tend to make up to remind ourselves of them. I want pure and simple positive things around us. It’s not that both Fransi and I do not have positive vibes around us. In fact, we are both fans of being positive and we both crave and work for it. However, it sure sucks up our energy and it’s not always easy to be able to possess that kind of positivity at all times. Both of us are emotionally sensitive and we have low tolerance when it comes to having to encounter any mishaps around us. I guess we both react too strongly towards bad things in life.

I am not saying it’s not possible. In fact, I do see Fransi as a beautiful dad and of course, no question needs to be asked how I can be an awesome dad to our kid, if we were meant to have any. I just think that once we are ready, we both would be too old to have a kid. I mean, Fransi is 42 now and I’m 36. Let’s say we have a kid when he’s 50 and me, 44. By the time our kids graduate from high school, Fransi would be 66 and me, 60. We would both be lucky if we could even survive that long.

There is a slight regret in me for not being able to prep myself up for a future mini-Hein. But I’m also glad that I am not rushing extremely to an ideology that keeps me thinking it is such an ideal to have to have kids. So what if we don’t have kids? So what if we don’t end up having kids? I just rather both Fransi and I are prepared, as opposed to succumbing to my ideal fantasy. It’s doable but let’s be realistic for now.

Like I said, it’s always interesting to meet my best friends from uni. There’s always something that would trigger my attention about life outside the “Fransi and Hein” bubble.

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Dream from last night : can’t remember.

 

Calling Truce

Every workplace has this certain common nemesis that brings a whole team together. It brings the whole department together. To be honest, the department in my workplace, I work in, is quite united. Maybe it’s the nature of our customer service, which involves people sitting in and talking on phone lines during their strict scheduled time. We rarely have time to bitch about each other and I don’t mean to be biased but I do have a good team. This does not really need this nemesis to unite us more but we DO have one common nemesis.

I am sure this girl is just doing her job and maybe she has so much on her plate but she works for one of our suppliers. She can come of as quite defensive, rude and irresponsible. She lacks persistency in following up and she rarely get things done. Unfortunately, I have been picked by my boss to liaise directly with her.

My boss thinks I’m too nice. My boss thinks I’m patient. My boss thinks I’m tolerant. But the truth is I want to get things done with. I want results. I want to be able to scratch things off my to-do-list and with this minor OCD that I have, I hate to see things on my to-do book unscratched as ‘done’ or ‘complete’. So I tried my hardest to tolerate with this girl that I had to work with from our supplier team.

This Christmas marks the first year that I have been with this company. Out of nowhere, I received a postcard today from our very own lovely nemesis. Don’t get me wrong. I guess, when you want something out of something, it’s only normal you get to learn to love your enemies. This girl has somewhat become really close to me. I still do not trust her, nor I think she’s good at what she does, but I have become quite empathetic and she has become a friend to me, although I had never seen her before.

That gesture of a postcard signed by her to wish our whole team “Merry Christmas” was sweet. It might be encouraged by her boss or her manager to do this. We might be one of the many companies she wrote a postcard to but it felt great to get it.

It felt even better when my boss and I had a one on one today as part of our monthly thing. She did compliment me on my achievements and how I was progressing well. And she pointed out that I had been liaising well with our supplier, even though it was not easy at all. I kinda scoffed, grabbing my boss down to reality, saying it was just one of them cards they would’ve sent to all their customers.

“This is the first time we got from them, Hein. And we got this after you started working with her”

It might still be a co-incidence that their company has come up with a brilliant idea this year to send a greetings post cards to all of their customers but what my boss said made me happy. My intention was just to get things done and to be able to have a good relationship with someone I would have to constantly work with and I guess I must have been pushing the right buttons but we got a greetings postcard for the first time. It sure, as hell, felt good 🙂

Dream from last night : these dreams seem like they all happen in one go but it felt like they had nothing in common or relevance with one another.
Dream 1: A friend I hardly know from Myanmar, Soe San, and this other guy, and I were in the same house. We were cooking noodles and I ate half of his noodle. For some reason, we were like really close friends.
Dream 2: Having a family outing at the movies. My grandad and grandmom were playing golf before that but they stayed home and slept. Dad was still alive and he was playing guitar. He plays really good guitar.
Dream 3: My grand-dad (from my mom’s side) wanted to hit the loo and I had to accompany him. For some reason, instead of toilets, he pooed in one of the food displays of one of the food stalls at the cinema lounge. For some reason, this was supposed to feel normal.
Dream 4: My sister threw a fit because she could not find a charger. For some reason, the next thing we know, we were at an earring shop. She bought a feather earring and I bought a bow and arrow earring.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I was glad I went to the wedding last night. First of all, it was great to see my uni buddy progress to another phase in his life and his wife is a lovely girl. It was also good to see some of my uni friends there as well. I guess it’s best to have a balance of types of people that surrounds me. It was an intimate 17 people wedding dinner. It might sound a bit weird but it was what was needed. Few close friends who could just catch up and talk to each other about almost anything.

Of all the conversations I had, this one conversation with this guy, who is a good friend of the bridegroom, really blew my mind. We were talking about cheating in general, when he mentioned about what happened to him during high school. So, he was dating a girl and one day, he went to a play with another girl. They held hands for twenty minutes and the next day, he had to break up with his girlfriend because he felt guilty.

First of all, this shows a lot about this guy. I have this sudden respect for him since he did what he felt like he needed to do. Yes, it might seem selfish to decide to break up but then, he’s honest enough to not leave his girlfriend hanging on whilst he had a moment with this other girl, the girl he held hands with for twenty minutes. Well, the fact that he was honest is not the point of this blog entry here but the fact that he felt guilty after he just held the hands of this other girl.

He has a good point there. As much as we all get jealous with our significant others over sex with others and as much as I think I wouldn’t mind my partner holding hands with another guy, come to think of it, I do think it’s worse to hold hands with another guy than having sex with another guy.

Sex, despite the intimacy, can be a usage. It can be of a casual recreational activity between two adults, who can agree to not let anything other than physical attractions get into each other’s hand. If you play the cards right, if you have nothing to do with that person other than sex, it’s quite acceptable. I do not encourage it but it’s forgivable. Sex with friends is not cool though since you are already emotionally attached with that person.

On the other hand, the act of holding hand is made up of so much elements. It’s a thing you would do after you have broken ample layers of ice between each other. It’s a thing you get out of comfort. It’s a thing you get when you have found your way out of the awkward stage with someone you barely know, or even someone you know. It’s an act of comfort and that comfort level is much more stronger than sex.

It completely blew my mind actually. I have never thought about it that way. Having sex is easy with anyone, when compared to holding hands intimately with someone. While it seems like a trophy thing to get to bone others, I dare say it would be much more difficult to find that confidence to hold someone’s hand for twenty minutes. Once you get that confidence, there’s a thin line, over which you can cross to consider yourselves as something ‘more than friends’.

So yeah, after this conversation I had with this friend of mine, I would hope my partner or fiance-to-be will not ending holding the hand of someone else for more than twenty minutes. What do you think?

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Dream from last night : I was peeing into this toilet that looks like there’s a washing machine connected to it from the top. Instead of aiming my pee at the bowl, I aimed it higher and my pee got into these clothes inside the washing machine above it. I don’t know why but I had the feeling (in my dream) that these were the clothes of my grandparents. I felt guilty as I peed into them and I had no idea why I did what I did. Also, I was in a house which I had no idea whose of and the toilet was so small I could just fit in standing up to pee.