Let’s not kid ourselves

It was a bit of a really awesome reunion, when my uni friends and I decided to meet up for a pre-Xmas dinner. Even better, a uni-mate, who I haven’t met for almost 10 years, was back in Sydney from the States. Well, she used to be in Sydney but I haven’t met her since I came back to Sydney.

Meeting my uni friends means meeting the Brady couple. Ok, they are not that innocently goody two shoes but they are awesome people. Both the wife and the husband are our uni friends and they have an awesome two years old! I love this little toddler to bits and it’s always awesome to be able to see him and me, being a huge fan of good kids, I normally ended up spending more time with their kids than with them.

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I never thought I would end up saying the things I said tonight but as I thought about what I have said to my friends, I have come to realize how realistic I have become despite of what my fairy tale fantasy future look like. It started when my friends cornered me on the spot with the question “Will you have kids with Fransi?”. Oh yeah, Fransi is my partner’s name.

With that question thrown on the table, my answer was surprisingly “I don’t think so”. How is that possible? Often known as Uncle Heiny, the baby whisperer, baby magnets or pro bono babysitter, I even found myself quite startled to hear myself say that. Don’t get me wrong. I still love kids and it would be superb to have a loving husband in the future, with an adorable kids. How ideal! A lovely gay couple with an accepting kid, surrounded by the positive accepting environment this kid should ideally be brought up in. It’s easily said than done.

First, how mature is Fransi or me? We are both social addicts, with a happy lifestyle that feeds on attention from our friends and their existence. Never been one to say ‘no’ to catch-ups or pub crawls, we both compliment each other in such activities. The way we compliment each other is unlike the way the Brady couple compliment each other. The wife and husband usually take turns taking care of their little one. It would be the daddy’s turn to change the diaper. It would be mommy’s turn to drive him home. Fransi and I are good at coming to terms with agreement with each other but he doesn’t like being told what to do and I always rely on my mood status and do my own things most of the times.

Then, there’s this lifestyle. With every fortnights passed, barely saving money for ourselves and our future, both Fransi and I would be lucky if we could save some money for our house one day. Let alone house, we are even struggling to give time to save for our coming Burmese trip. Or maybe it’s just me who’s failing to save at the present, and he failing to save for the future.

Last but not least, I would want to surround my kid with positive vibes all around. And I do not want those fake positive vibes we tend to make up to remind ourselves of them. I want pure and simple positive things around us. It’s not that both Fransi and I do not have positive vibes around us. In fact, we are both fans of being positive and we both crave and work for it. However, it sure sucks up our energy and it’s not always easy to be able to possess that kind of positivity at all times. Both of us are emotionally sensitive and we have low tolerance when it comes to having to encounter any mishaps around us. I guess we both react too strongly towards bad things in life.

I am not saying it’s not possible. In fact, I do see Fransi as a beautiful dad and of course, no question needs to be asked how I can be an awesome dad to our kid, if we were meant to have any. I just think that once we are ready, we both would be too old to have a kid. I mean, Fransi is 42 now and I’m 36. Let’s say we have a kid when he’s 50 and me, 44. By the time our kids graduate from high school, Fransi would be 66 and me, 60. We would both be lucky if we could even survive that long.

There is a slight regret in me for not being able to prep myself up for a future mini-Hein. But I’m also glad that I am not rushing extremely to an ideology that keeps me thinking it is such an ideal to have to have kids. So what if we don’t have kids? So what if we don’t end up having kids? I just rather both Fransi and I are prepared, as opposed to succumbing to my ideal fantasy. It’s doable but let’s be realistic for now.

Like I said, it’s always interesting to meet my best friends from uni. There’s always something that would trigger my attention about life outside the “Fransi and Hein” bubble.

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Dream from last night : can’t remember.

 

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