Dick Bicycle

You know how back in our teenage years, we would always sing along to those songs in top 40 charts. We would always learn the lyrics. We would always sing together with our friends. We would put these songs on repeat when going on road trips. Word by word, we would just keep repeating it to ourselves and as we grow up, it would stick in our heads.

As we grow older, we stopped learning new songs. We stopped caring about new songs. We stopped listening properly and carefully to lyrics of songs from Top 40 charts. We would even rebel against majority pop hits and tend to start looking for other songs that we can personally be founders of. We would have this short attention span whenever we listen to these pop songs and we would think we know the lyrics but we do not.

There is a song on the radio called “Side to Side” by Ariana Grande featuring Nicki Minaj. I do have to admit it’s such an addictive song and the more I listen to it, the more I end up singing the chorus. Every time I hear this song, I just want to sing along to it. And whenever Nicki Minaj raps, I would start mouthing some part of it but alas, I never noticed what she was singing!

So, for Nicki’s part, she sang “Wrist icicle, ride dick bicycle.” Now, according to urban dictionary, dick bicycle means riding the dick all night long until you get sore the next day. And apparently the whole song is about having sex so hard you cannot walk the next day. I am not one of those haters who would hate on pop music just because a Nickelodeon pop starlet starts singing about sex. Let the kid grow up and she has every rights to sing whatever she wants.

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All I am really surprised is how I never actually even knew Nicki Minaj sang “Wrist Icicle, ride dick bicycle”. It was only during the weekend getaway when my friends brought this topic up about this lyric of the song that I noticed it was there in the song. I do not know what to think of it but I still like that song and I still adore Nicki and Ariana.

Picking Antonio

I have mentioned this before. On how I do believe in psychics and fortune tellers but I do not rely on them. I do have one regular tarot card reader and a regular palm reader/spirit medium, who could predict my future and I have to admit, they both do a pretty awesome job. However, sometime ago back in around 2012, one of my best friends in Myanmar contacted me if I wanted to see this fortune teller.

This fortune teller is one of those that is called upon from oversea by one of the big shots in Myanmar. I am not supposed to say out the name of this big shot and thank God I have actually forgotten who it was. Apparently, this fortune teller is so spot on and I just had to go see him. I finally did and I instantly clicked with him. He’s a flamboyant gay in his late 30’s and he was one of those dead pan readers.

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He does not care about what’s right or wrong and he just say it to the face of those who asked him about the future. He read my future. 2012 was the year I have become somewhat cynical about returning to Australia. The fortune teller told me that I would still be going back. How would that even be possible? Given I had not heard from my lawyer who was working on my offshore ‘permanent residency’ application and given there was huge change in the political scene in Sydney, I was a bit hesitant to believe him. Then, he mentioned about how the love of my life is a man I will meet in Australia and he would have a weird European name like “Antonio” or something along that line.

feb5-2Of course, I just kept what he said in my mind and I never really relied on it. However, look at me now! It’s been two years since I got back to Sydney and I am currently holding my PR legally! I never thought I would get back here but here I am.So what are the odds of me meeting the man of my dream, Antonio? Honestly, it’s not that easy to find Antonio’s out there and every time I dated someone whose name is not Antonio, I would always think twice on whether the guy I was dating back then would actually be the man of my life.

I guess I had not found my Antonio since I am still super single. However, whenever an Antonio chat with me, my heart would jump and I would get extremely excited to find out if he was the one. Unfortunately, the only “Antonio” I have talked to within these two years of my stay in Sydney was this guy I chatted from Grindr.

He sounds like a bitter guy who’s having a huge crisis with love. When we first talked, he mentioned that he was here to chat and he does not do sex just like that. Only minutes later, without me asking him, he sent me pictures of his cock. I found that super weird since I had not challenged him anything about hook ups and he defended about how he was on this dating app to have a proper chat and not sex at first meet, only to follow by pictures of his cock. What were those for then? I might not be a super major horny bastard but I do have my standards of being honest with what I want. Wanna fuck? Let’s do it. No drama. Wanna have coffee? Let’s do that! No drama. On the other hand, Antonio just like to dance around the table aimlessly.

So, it has been about two months since we last chat since I gave up talking with someone with so much potential for being bipolar. Antonio came up on Grindr and talked to me today. He talked as if we had never talked before. He talked as if we never had that conversation where he flaunted his sugar coated standards and his penis pictures. I finally told him that we had talked before, to which he did not react much. And I even told him how he had even given me cock pics. I am not so sure if he remembered or not but we conversed about trying to meet up. He asked if he could come around tonight and drive me around. I was honestly tired and I said next time, to which he had said “let’s try Wednesday night”

I do think of this person as someone who is not sane. I do not mean he is retarded but he seems to be just not right. I do not know of his agenda, nor his persona or his plan. I do feel as if I am talking to a different person each time we talk. It has been the second time I talked to him only and I felt like I am talking to this whole new person, making plans and getting hopes up high on meeting up. I am so not into it but somehow, I wanted to test the water. I want to find out if he is ACTUALLY the Antonio of my life.

 

Depth of Popularity

It’s always been a push and pull when it comes to my view on ‘popularity’ and every time I get to a place, I would always get drawn back down by my own fear. I have never liked being number one or being on top, since it’s too lonely out there. However, even in the second place, sometimes I would always sub consciously question myself about those around me.

Like a lot of us, human beings, I have always been attracted to attention. I love it when people give me attention. And for some reason, I do a pretty good job when it comes to attracting others for attention. My friends would call me the people’s person and they always say I would do well in PR roles, if it comes to work. However, although I agree on some of the stuffs they say, I do have my limitations and I guess I can never fake or undo the way I feel towards ‘popularity’ or ‘attention seeking’.

It started from a scar back when I was 20. My grand-dad was a pretty well respected diplomat in Myanmar and he was so well respected that he could seek help or ask for favors from anyone outside the country. Studying in Singapore back then and being away from home for the first time, it was a crossover moment in my life from a spoilt brat to an independent young man. So, it always takes a lot of effort. Along the way, something happened that would always leave a scar in me.

Some staffs from the Burmese Embassy in Singapore was helping me move from one unit to another. They insisted on carrying the stuffs and as they were resting, I was going to hand them some glasses of water when I caught them saying something about me. Something I should have never heard. One of them said to the other, “If it was not for his grand-dad, I would never helped this kid out with the move. He’s such a spoilt brat.” I do not really know how to make translate what he said to something that is absurdly offensive but what he said really hurt me and it changed the way I look at things.

Call me naive but when someone says good stuffs about me, I tend to believe it. A part of me wants to believe it and a part of me is just so dumb or naive. No matter how experienced I have become in life, the conversation between these two gentlemen has always haunt me about how popularity or what others see of you are not always what they seem.

I got lucky I guess. During uni years, I gained popularity from the social group called revue. We product comedy skit shows. I got rejected when I first tried out for the cast role during my first year of uni. Two years later, I became a cast member, then a director. With each achievement I have gained, it became too easy to make friends in uni and it became a little bit too easy to get attention out of these people.

When I finally left Australia to go back to my country, with hopes of coming back yet unsure of whether I would or not, after two years, I have become a thing of the past to my friends in Sydney. They have moved on. On the other hand, I have become involved in larger things in life in Myanmar. I got my own radio show and I have become one of the top billed MC for a lot of bilingual events in Myanmar. With these achievements, I have gained popularity once again without asking for it.

Then, I got called back to Sydney with a permanent residency. I could not let that opportunity go but after giving up on what I had in Myanmar and coming back to Sydney after five years, it was difficult. The uni crowd has dispersed. I am a nobody. Worse than that, I was no longer in a community. No longer in a society club. Nor a uni. I was just all over the place with different people I see each and every day. The popularity I used to get before has dropped dramatically.

To be honest, it does not bother me since I feel like I have a much better life with good friends around me now. However, whenever I think about my past and the popularity back then, I would always cringe with shame. I somehow feel that I am not capable of achieving big things in life. I feel like I am a ‘has been’ and the last thing a ‘has been’ want to do is reliving the past and feeling good about it. Those times were over. I will always treasure it but I’m no longer that Hein anymore.

Meanwhile, in the present, this little getaway with my friends this weekend consists of different generations of Revue. As my friends and I were having dinner, one of them came to me. He was a cast member in the show I directed. Two years after I left the country, he directed his own show. He sat near me and as he was talking about the past, I could not stop smiling to myself of the good times we had.

Then, he got a bit serious and said “If it was not for you and (the other two co-directors I worked with), I would have never joined revue”. “If it was not for you, I would not have met these awesome friends.” “If it was not for you, I would not have become a director” Call me a wuss but I could not stop holding my tears back. I did not end up crying but hearing this type of appreciation made me so grateful about having done what I had done.

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UNSW Med Revue back in 2009

In life, I do please a lot of people and sometimes I feel like I was brought into this life to please others. I make people happy but it has always been a one way deal and through experience, I had stopped expecting anything back and kept on giving. This time around, I am getting back an appreciation from a past cast member, who has flourished into a director on his own. I felt so assured about my self-esteem. It was a different kind of happiness I felt.

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the make up mirror before the show with messages from friends back in 2009

Popularity has always been measured upon quantity but never on the depth of each unit in this entity. Upon getting a confirmation of a depth from one unit feels so much better than ten times the quantity one would try to achieve.

Home away from Home

I am not surprised anymore why people likes to travel. As a kid, I had to travel a lot. I was pretty much on the plane to any places in Thailand, following my grand-dad and grand-ma around. Since grand-dad’s job involves traveling, I was pretty much immune to that awesome taste we would normally react to changes in our surroundings. To make things worse, I moved back to Myanmar and I studied abroad in two different countries in two different continents growing up. So, I had never been that much enthused to the though of traveling. In fact, I don’t even like it.

There is a Burmese saying about how we have a ‘travel’ print on our foot. Those who have these prints are bound to have to travel most of the time in their lives. A fortune teller once told me I have those prints and it’s no surprise. In order for me to get a permanent residency in Australia, I was asked to leave first, apply for it offshore and asked to come back five years later. It seems like I couldn’t just stay or settle at one place for more than six years. The long distance relationship with my Indonesian ex did not help either.

I try to avoid traveling as much as I can but today, it was different. I was invited to join a group of my ex-uni friends for a weekend getaway at an airbnb place, somewhere in the Northern area of Sydney. It was not away from the city but it was quite a distance from the city. This place is called Avalon and upon reaching there, it sure does feel like I was in another place.

Maybe it’s because I have been pretty much doing the routine weekend Friday clubbing with my gay brothers for quite some time but sitting in the car of my friend’s car while he drove us to the place of the getaway, I felt this sudden subtle sensation of being able to change the scenery around me. It felt like I was going somewhere away from the usual. It felt like I had something new to look forward to.

Finally, I reached the place we rented for two days. Couched up comfortable with my uni friends to play jackbox.tv, followed by this REALLY horrible movie called “The Room”, I found myself thoroughly enjoying every second of this. Is this age catching up? Or have I always been blind from the awesomeness of traveling? This is not even away from the city but still I felt nothing but calmness in my head. I was genuinely happy. It felt like a home far away from my home.

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Hein in the backseat

The month of February gets a lot more interesting today. After the creepy return of the ex online boyfriend comes the return of two potentials. Maybe these returns are due to the fact that I am, in fact, going to have something happening on Valentine’s Day this year? One can only assume so.

The first return comes from someone I forgot was in my life. He was one of the matches on Tinder and we matched last November I guess. We chatted for some time and we stopped. I guess the chat was just so mediocre that I almost forgot who he was when he messaged me on Tinder today. Normally, I would not really take time blogging about every guy I chat on Tinder but coming back on chat after two months of absence was quite interesting for me.

SimpleName (yes, he has one of the most boring names invented for men. In fact, it’s one of those names you would encounter on first page of introductory dialogues in English teaching books, if English was your second language), out of nowhere, said hi to me today on Tinder. At first, I had no idea who he was until I saw some chat history on top of his message. And to be honest, I cannot even recall that I had talked with him before. I checked his pictures and he is the type I would swipe right on but I seriously do not remember talking to him.

So, out of curiosity, I asked him why he had disappeared for two whole months. Before he could answer, I had some assumptions in my head. He could’ve been talking to a few number of guys simultaneously and he might have met up with one of them. Dating this other dude would stop him from chatting with the other guys like me. It’s quite normal actually. It’s called multi-dating, I guess. Why settle for one potential and waste time when you could get to know more and even make comparisons between them, right?

However, that was not the case. He said that he had been busy with Christmas and all that. It was not what I was expecting to hear but it sounded very honest and quite simple of him to say that. He did not make any excuses and he said it as if it was quite normal for any other guys to go AWOL during this time of the season from Tinder. It does make sense actually and with that, he won my attention.

The other guy, with a surprise return, was MadonnaFan. I actually really thought my sleep over at his place after trying to feel his dick in the dark to guess the size would have been the last time I was seeing him. It has been a week with no contact from him and I have even given up on expecting any messages from him. Out of nowhere, he texted me today. It was a pleasant surprise actually. His comeback made sense as well. Since he works in the PR field, it’s only fair that he’s been busy and the last thing he would want to do when he comes home from work is to check his phone for messages. For some reason, I could not really feel pissed off with him. Maybe it’s just me growing up or maybe I do not like him that much? But then, his comeback message does get a reaction from me.

Well, unfortunately, I will not be able to meet any of these men this weekend, since I will be packing my bags to go to Avalon beach for a getaway trip for my friend’s birthday. As much as I hate to say ‘no’ to these potential men, it sure does feel good to be busy for once when people ask me out since I have always been the driver of meet-ups. All my men gotta do is take a backseat while I make plans and initiate meet ups. This time around, Hein is taking a backseat as he sits patiently and watches who comes up with invites.

The perks of not having to drive the car any longer, one can’t complain for sure. *fingernails emoji*

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Dirty February

feb1In comes the month of love. The month where flower shop owners get super excited and chocolate factories start revealing their thematic packaging, paved with pink or red color. It’s the month where boyfriends get busy with what gifts to buy for their girlfriends, and girlfriends start to wish or hope their boyfriends would at least send them flowers. It’s the month where couples start looking out for great places to wine and dine. It’s just that time of year expectations snowball into this huge load of stress for those who are crazily in love.

As for me, being single and pretty much not actively dating anyone at the moment, I ended up just trying to figure out who to have sex with this weekend. Do not get me wrong. I am not always this horny but since I have thought up of a great way to do things I enjoy whilst saving money, I have somewhat dug myself into this hole of lust. Funnily enough, just as I have got myself into this hole, it seems a bit harder to find lust these days. It’s like the price of gold in Myanmar. When you most want to re-sell your gold jewelry for profit, the lesser gold is worth and once you have sold it, the price would go up, only leaving you wishing you could’ve waited a little bit more.

With that in mind, although I have been actively searching for a bow-chik-a-wow-wow time, I try not to rush in. My aim is to look for potential regular buddies. If it’s just for a one time, he would have to be super good. The truth is it’s not that difficult to get laid in our gay world but it’s quite difficult to keep in touch or to plan things out. My gay dating app inboxes are swamped with men of different races, sizes and sexual positions they prefer. And I am not one of those sexy ass guys who get laid easily but it’s just the way it is. You put yourself out there and you get it. However, after all’s been talked out, it takes them so long to book an appointment for a sex drive. Here I am, ready with my engine, but it’s been taking these people forever to come let me ride them.

The month of February started with an offer. Yes, I do have offers from these gentlemen off the dating apps, which, as I have described above, are pretty much more talk than action. However, there was one offer today that was quite promising. But it comes from an ex. It’s not just an ordinary ex but it’s an online ex boyfriend. Here I am, feeling all stupid for having kept an online boyfriend, and there he was, still labeling me as his ex, as we talked today.

So, he was this guy I sort of put myself in a relationship with, when I was in Myanmar. He is in Australia of course, back then as well. We got ourselves into this mess of a relationship that was not there. I do not know what type of a guy he is but upon asking my friend to give him flowers on Valentine’s Day, I remember her describing him as someone nervous with shaking hands, probably from alcoholism. To make things a bit more worrying, he has a history of being kept in rehabs. All of these are happening of course, while we were both in an online Facebook relationship.

We lasted for a few good months, until he went to Indonesia and cheated on me with this Indonesian boy. Who was I kidding? A guy who I have not met and committed myself to via an online commute. Can I even call it cheating? Whenever I talk about him, I would always cringe. He was that boyfriend that never happened. However, when I came back here, we did meet for coffee and by then, he was with a boyfriend, to which he just wedded (yes, legally wedded in New Zealand, I believe) last year. I was invited to their wedding, which I did not go to, since I have no idea who’s who.

OnlineExBoyfriend contacted me today and asked me to meet up with him over the weekend. Thinking it was a normal meet-up, I was not that fuzzed about it. Then he mentioned something about wearing as little as possible. Well, ok. Maybe we might head to the beach? Then, it got weird when he actually wanted me to wear less, only so that he won’t have to strip a lot when we meet. Ok! First of all, isn’t he married?

At first I thought he was joking. A part of me thought he could’ve been sedated with some medication while he might have been back in rehab or something. However, he did sound convincing and I have to admit there were some points in our conversations that turned me on. He said “It would be great to have sex with an ex. That idea is hot” I have to admit, the idea IS hot. If I have to be fair, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend was harmless. I do not know him, as much as his husband. For all I know, I would just be another victim a guy cheated on his partner on. Yes, it sucks but it’s not really my fault to go around checking if they have partners or not.

However, even though it was an online thing, both he and I had been connected before and I have nothing but respect for him. Even if it’s not for him, I do believe his husband deserves some piece of respect from me. When I get married to a man, the last thing I would want is his ex coming back for a piece of his meat. Like I said, it’s not up to me to decide what’s right or wrong, but karma is a bitch and I would not want me to bite me in the ass in the future when I have my partner.

Cheating is not good but it’s been done. But I do believe that most people should avoid having sex with people who are already in a relationship, unless they lie about it or they say they are in an open relationship. If they had lied about it, what can you do? If they are in an open relationship, it’s all ‘go’ zone. But yeah, having sex with OnlineExBoyfriend, no matter how hot it sounds, I am not going for it at all.

There goes the beginning of this month, the month we all worship ‘love’ a wee bit more than we would normally in the other eleven months of the year. Stained with this offer from an ex online boyfriend, who’s happily married. Gay life never ceases to amuse me, I guess.