It’s crazy how this is true but I got to learn something about myself from two dates on Saturday. Yes, it was all about having fun and all that but there was a great old conversation between me and the two men I was with on Saturday. For some reason, both of us talked about the same thing without having to even start the topic. It was the topic about me and silence.
During short breaks in between our ‘sessions’, there would be time where both of us would be a bit too tired to say anything. Then, it would always be me breaking the silence. I did not notice it first but after two times, Leprechaun finally mentioned “You can’t stand silence, can you? I notice you are afraid of silence”
What he said really blew my mind because I never thought of it before and yes, the more I thought about it, the more true it becomes. I do, in fact, cannot stand silence! I had a think about it in my head while he was saying it and finally I could tell why. Back in the days when I was a kid, our house would always be full of guests. Having guests over, according to my grandparents, it’s the responsibility of the host to ensure the guests are kept well and the guests enjoy. So, we were pretty much taking care of the guests 24/7. Having guests also means we had a lot of different types of people coming into our house. So, when we have those shy ones who dare not speak up to ask for small things like water, my grandparents would always have to the first to reach out to ask if they needed anything.
I guess that’s where I got this sub-conscious obligation to make sure people around me are not left unattended and at times, my brain just happens to sub consciously treats silence as a gesture of not being taken care of.
MadonnaFan and I also encountered the same incident. He and I would stop talking for a while and I would feel like it was an awkward silence and I would need to always fill that void; again, it was always sub conscious of course. He noticed that as well and he said the same thing. “You don’t like silence, do you?”
It’s kinda sad how people can read into you this deep at first meet. Not to mention, even the bootie call victim can guess your personality after the second time round. This silence phobic in me continues today. It’s been a while since I have dated someone or thought of investing more time and effort in getting to know someone, as opposed to just having sex with them. So, having woken up this morning, I felt this urge to message MadonnaFan.
In all honesty, I had nothing to say and I do not really want to message him with small nothings. However, the minor sedatephobia got the best of me and I had to break the silence in messaging him with “Did you end up watching any movie last night? Have fun at work.”, to which he just answered “You too Hein”
I do not want to read it from a bad point of view but I got a lot of ‘leave me alone’ vibe from that message. Or a ‘I have nothing to say to you’ vibe from that reply of his. I am not angry with him since honestly, I do not really have any strong feelings towards him but it’s quite annoying when someone’s effort doesn’t really pay off. Here I am, being understanding, texting him a message, while he just gave a generic reply, without even answering my question.
Sigh! The sedatephobia in me does get a hold of me and pretty soon it might even turn me into this desperate monster. Honestly, I feel nothing for him but my mind just can’t help this lack of communication between us. I felt as if the guest who is staying at my house has not been looked after well.