The Goldfish, The Wolves, The Grays

Sometimes, the easiest question makes it so hard for us to give the correct answer. It would be just as simple as a question even a five year old would be able to answer but at often times, we find ourselves unprepared to answer these questions.

I caught up with a group of friends today, who I have not met for a long time. Two girl-friends, who used to work with me ten years ago, and their husbands, and one mutual friend of ours and her daughter. It was one of those decent warm meet ups where everything was just so at ease.

The mutual friend, the lovely girl from New Caledonia, was going on about her gay friends. Then, she looked at me and said “You look really good. You are gay. Why are you single?” This was a very good time to boost my ego but I am so used to answering this question that it does not really bother me anymore. I answered “I have not found the right one.” Then, she continued. “My gay friend. All these gay men. They are so good looking and nice. But why are they mostly single?”

Unprepared would be the first expression my face naturally showed. This friend of mine is someone I do cherish and someone I would never feel uncomfortable talking about anything to. I was not uncomfortable about the question but I was more uncomfortable with myself because I could not think of an answer.

Out of nowhere, I explained to her how gay men are naturally competitive. They would come into a pub and see each other and most of the time, the first thing they would think of is how some other gay men are dressing better than them or just looking better than them. But I hesitated. That’s not true. Then, I told her most gay men have huge egos. They hate to be rejected and they seldom show others their interests upon other men they are attracted to and they would stretch it until the point that the other would give up trying for them and that’s when they would give in, too late. Then, I hesitated again.

That was not really for all gay men as well. Then, I thought about how there are gay men out there who do not necessarily have to be bitchy, competitive or egoistic. But then, that reminds me of those desperate ones. Those who would rush into a relationship or think the first time the eyes meet would symbolize ‘love’ and gesticulate the best love story ever told in the universe. Those who are impatient to look for others but just stretch and accept anything they can get, despite whatever they truly feel.

Then, I realized that was the problem. I do not speak on behalf of all gay men but from experience, there is hardly a gray area for gay men. We have those egoistic gay men, who are too proud to give in. Some of them love themselves more than they could give other some time to even be interested in. Some of these men would be in a relationship, only to actually appreciate being wanted by another man, or just to enjoy the attention. Once they get sick of it, it’s over.

Then, there are those I have mentioned earlier, who are just so desperate to jump into the commitment wagon, way before they even get to know the other man.


It is quite true in my case since I have experienced from chats and dating apps how gay men would either rush into a relationship or just have this attention span of a goldfish. The goldfish will chat for a few minutes or days but they would never reach over the quota of a month. They would never make any effort to meet up. Maybe they are not sure. Maybe they cannot give time. But my point here is, why swipe right on tinder when they are not sure, or they cannot give time. They want to be impressed from the chat but how are we to impress them when they can’t even last a short while in a convo.

On the other hand, there are those hungry wolves, who are just major eager to date at first meet. Some of these people would get offended if you cancel a meet up. By cancellation, all I have done was to tell them I will let them know when I have time to hang out and not counting the weekdays, since we all work during weekdays, it would just take them two days to get impatient and start blaming the hell out of you for not showing efforts.

When can I meet that gray man of mine? Why can’t I have a consistent flow of good chats with some guy who will give me time to have a day off for a coffee. If they are too busy, why even bother coming on these apps? Fine! Maybe they want to just have a NSA play-around. But why would they take time deciding who to fuck with? I thought they don’t have time? Conflict much? And if they worship love, why not get to know someone to appreciate that person rather than rushing into something that is not even there.

I answered my friend with so much ‘umms’ and ‘errs’ she had to pretend she understood what I was saying. I do not know what she understood by my answer, when even I, myself, could not make head or tail of what I just responded to her.

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