I’ve been a little bit jaded lately when it comes to the word ‘love’, or to even fantasize the possibilities of love no matter how much I like a drop dead gorgeous guy. Maybe it’s a way to protect myself from hurting. Maybe it’s a way to avoid thinking something, that doesn’t actually exist there, exists. Maybe it’s just a way of growing thick skin, that often comes with a cynical side.
Don’t get me wrong. I do have my own certain goals when it comes to love. I want to find that someone. I want to be able to live with that someone through good and bad times. I want to be able to live and remember every minute and second of our lives together. I’m just more aware of reality more than before.
In fact, this realization of this so called reality makes me stronger and much more happier. Much more assured ironically as well, no matter how that thought of dying alone hangs by a thread. But at the same time, I have lost that faith in knowing how much I want to go with someone.
I used to be able to tell who I would want to live my life with. Maybe I have not found ‘the one’ lately but I have been pretty much not too enthusiastic whenever I spot a potential as I would normally be before. Maybe I’m sick of always having to be the first one to discover love. It’s just that having four failed relationships in my life always made me wonder what the point of feeling of having met someone was. Why did I feel so good when it always end up really bad?
So, these days, let alone opening up to someone I like about the way I feel, I have even lost that ability to know who I actually want. It’s pretty ironic how while I was feeling this way, I got a Faccebook message from somebody who has been stalking me. It’s a she, so it sure is going nowhere. She loves my smile and she has finally opened up to me this morning. The funny thing is we are not even Facebook friends.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not making fun of this girl or shaming her. In fact, I envy her courage. Yes, it might not seem to be a wise idea to admit such strong feelings over someone you are not even Facebook friends with. But at the same time, the guts she has and the risk she took while writing this to me; it’s just so much more courageous than me going up to a hot guy at a gay bar to start a conversation. To make it worse, I rarely made it anyways to be able to reach out to strangers.
After reading what she wrote, a part of me wants to feel like that again. That feeling of love. That feeling of silly bravery. That strong gesture of really knowing what to do with who. I replied to her with an appreciative thanks and I told her I wish I was as brave as she was. I am sure she would know how I do not go for girls. Hopefully she does.
The question here is whether if I will have any guys who would want me that much or if I would ever find a guy who’s worth this much effort.